My life

Me, in a nut shell

Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween SUCKS...

I have almost always hated Halloween. I really don't know why. I never cared to worry about costumes and all that. I only liked it because of the candy, and even then I almost always went as myself. I never got into the shaving cream and eggs and toilet paper...It was like a personal mission to hit up each and every house and get a huge ass bag of candy.

My specialty was the day after Halloween. I came up with this brilliant idea that if I went back to houses that they might have left over candy and sure enough almost every house was more than willing to give up the remainder of their wares. It was awesome...Double score!

But here in Arizona, I haven't got a single trick-or-treater at my door. Which is good because I even forgot to get any candy!

So, yea all you Halloween lovers, BAH HUMBUG!

Now Christmas is a whole other story...But I have no idea what this year might bring. It may very well be the first year ever in the history of my life that I am alone on Christmas, so if I am a humbug please give me some slack...Just giving fair warning is all.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Today is a day of cleansing

Today I spent the whole day vegging out. I slept in late, read a whole book (which I haven't had time for in AGES and damn it felt goood!), I even took a nap. I feel like I am finally coming back into myself, almost whole again. I think then I will begin to heal, once I feel persent in my body and in time...Well hopefully I will not only be back to my bubbly self, but I'll be better than ever!

I cleaned the house and also my blog. I deleted a few blogs that either no longer exist or that I no longer read and have added the ones that I have been reading. It is something that should have been taken care of a LOOONG time ago, but was put off by more important things. Not that you all aren't important to me, but ah, you know.

My roomie is a flippin weirdo! He walks around with a discman (who uses them anymore anyway? MP3 players are so cheap and small...?) and beebops and scats to whatever it is he listens to. He mumbles and humms throughout the house as if I weren't even there. And he drives me nuts cause all he says is "Right on..." For fuckin everything.

"What is the deal with the CD player on your stereo?"

"Oh," I reply "it sometimes is temperamental. Sometimes the damn thing doesn't work"

"Right on" or,

last night I said to him, "I hate to be a stickler, but you are in my parking spot."

"Right on"

I wanna wring his damn neck. But really I am a nice girl. Nice and polite...But fucking GRRRRRR.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Roommates suck!

My roommate is already driving me nucking futz...no one thing in particular, just having to share a space with a stranger and me doing things differently than him. I am afraid to correct him because I don't think I can without sounding bitchy, thus I hold my tongue.

He is nice enough though. He cooked dinner for us which was good since I haven't had a proper meal in over a month or so, but he left the kitchen a damn mess. There is also the matter of the laundry...I asked him to not use my detergent and to get his own as I use the expensive shit. He commented that he didn't like the brand anyway...This morning he proceeded to do 2 loads of laundry and used my friggin soap. Without asking, I might add...I mean WTF?!

Then he doesn't wipe the counters down after eating and leaves sweat rings and smeared potatoes on the counter tops...If this is him on his best behavior I wonder what I am in store for in the future. Perhaps he will not like it here and move out on his own very soon.

(Is it too soon for me to be getting all irritated?)

And in other news I called Abrian last night because I hadn't heard from him after the other night where I refused to go over to his house, and the details of said night I am too ashamed to divulge...But anyway he seemed pleased to hear from me which was nice. I do not think this will ever go anywhere and am beginning to fear that I am wasting my time. Perhaps if I thought for even a second that there was another prospect I would move on without looking back. (If I believed that I'd only be lying to myself...The guy's got a hold on me...Why? I do not know)

All this turmoil is supposed to be good for me, or so says a friend of mine at least. She says that this is where richness lies and that I should draw upon it. Bleh is what I have to say about that. I feel good as long as I am around people but when I am alone I am not necessarily sad, just almost non thinking, non existent. It's a strange frame of mind in which I currently reside. I hope that I snap out of it...Though I can not imagine how to do so.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Bleh...

I had posted last night but deleted it...Trust me it wasn't a good 'un anyway.

I got a roomate today. A 29 year old guy named TJ. He's not very good looking and seems really quiet. He has never been in a serious relatioship before which is really sad for a 29 year old...I kinda feel bad for him. I am a bit scared about having someone living with me in the house, but I gotta do it. Meh, we shall see how it goes. Otherwise not much else going on.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I had to say it was a good day...

Today is a good day for me. I feel somewhat grounded and a bit more settled than I have in a while and it feels nice. I still feel lonely but today that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. I need to get used to having me as company. It's what I had intended from the get-go anyway. It just will take some time I guess.

And in other news, I will be seeing Abrian tonight. I have come to accept the terms of our "relationship" or lack there of. I guess it is just good enough that he asked to see me at all. At this point I'll take anything. Any companionship is better than none. There will come a time when I won't even want that from him. He isn't really giving me what I need emotionally, but as far as company goes he's a lot of fun.

Things have been really good with me and Mike. We have been friends even and it is good to know that if I need someone to take to I can always count on him, though I will not.

The house is awesome and is beginning to feel like home. I put some bird feeders out in the tree in the back and have yet to have any visitors, and I am anxious for them to come. It will take some time I guess. Patience is a virtue I have never really had.

And so overall, today is going well for me. Much better than in recent days, so I'll take it. At least I am not feeling melancholy. Not quite normal though. That's about it. Nothing exciting to tell which I suppose is a good thing eh?

Monday, October 24, 2005

A million unspoken words...

The silence in this house is deafening.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hmmm...I have been a very bad blogger!

Yea. Well, I hate to say it, but I realize that my blog has officially turned to CRAP. So I want to turn it around by promising not to disappear again and to keep you all updated regularly and to reciprocate by reading and commenting on your blogs as well. *SIGH* I have been a very bad blog friend. I apologize.

Well, I am now in my new house and it is smoking!!! It's a 1600 sq ft house in a really beautiful neighborhood with a covered porch in the back and the best thing of all....Trees and GRASS!!! The dogs have settled in nicely and Cleo just loves to tear ass through the back as fast as she can. The cats are also settling in quite comfortably and just love exploring all the hidey holes and cabinets that are prominent in the house. I have been also very happy here. This house has a beautiful positive energy and it envelops me like a womb. It has been mostly quiet, but I have had overnight company a few times already...(wink, wink).

But seriously it has been quiet and beautiful and also horribly lonely. The silence scares the shit outta me...But at the same time I know it is just what I need.

So that is most of what has been going on here. I have recently found it hard to concentrate and type anything coherent, so I apologize for the short recap. If you have questions, I would be happy to answer them. Thank you all for stickin with me. I love all of your asses! Peace!

Just a quick line

Hello everybody!!!

Things have been hectic (as usual) and this is my first opportunity to drop a line. I just got my internet back after a whirlwind move and all the shit that goes along with that. I have been thinking about all a y'all and missy ya very much. Sorry for the cruddy post, but I promise that if I can't post a decent update tonight, I for sure will tomorrow, ok?

Monday, October 10, 2005

On the road to recovery

I would like to start off by first saying thank you to all of you who have stopped by and offered words of encouragement. I appreciate each and every one of you, and your kind words have really helped propel me and keep me afloat during this difficult time for me.

It has been a weekend of interesting events. Quiet mostly, but interesting because I have had a lot of time to reflect and work on my issues with Mike. I have really come to terms with our situation and feel ok about everything going on. I also realize that things have not been easy on him, and that he is dealing in the best way that he knows how. I will just be really glad when things have got to the next level and I no longer live in the house and can continue to go forth.

This time in my life, while tumutulous, has also been very exciting and scary in a good way for me. I feel alive for the first time in probably my whole life, which is a bold statement, but that is how good I really feel. Every once in a while I feel overwhelmed and need to stop and sigh or say terrible things about Mike. The reality is that you all are only hearing one side of the story. I have given this a lot of thought and think it is high time you hear his half from my point of view, if only to clear my conscience and that perhaps you will have a better understanding of the situation.

Through these years that we have spent together, I have really taken advantage of his love for me. I am beginning to see that some of our issues were present because of me. I never had any respect for him and took, took, took. And when I was done taking, I'd ask for more. He gave me everything I ever wanted materially, never balked at a thing. And if he did, it was an act so that he could surprise me with it. I remember this one time a while back that he went into the convenience store for coffee. He came back out with a scratch off lottery ticket and handed it to me. I was all excited and scratched it off to find it was a loser. A moment later he was handing me another one. Also a loser I began to pout (I am a SORE loser) and once again there was another one for me. He surprised me with an additional 5 tickets and each time I didn't win anything. Instead of being happy that he was so sweet and had put thought into this surprise, I pouted and became sullen that I hadn't won anything.

I think that was the pretty much the way our relationship went. He seemed to always think about me and go out of his way for little things like that, and I eventually got used to it and came to expect it. I am not really sure at what point I became a spoiled brat, but I know that it was also somewhere around the time that I realized that while I loved him, I wasn't in love with him. It was hard to think about because I knew how he felt about me just beaue of how selfless he was and always thought about me.

I pushed him away all these years because I was too chicken to confess the truth, and I think in turn he has become bitter. I can't say that I really blame him. As much as I want for all of this mess to be completely his fault, in reality it just isn't. I am at the very least half responsible.

My ultimate hope is that all of you reading this will not pass judgment on him any longer, because he has taken care of me all these years in the best capacity he possibly could, and I appreciate all that he has done for me in the past.

I finally hae started dating...The guy from a few weeks ago who picked his grandmothers dogs??? Well , we have been IMing now off and on for a few weeks. Sometimes I pushed him away because he was too intense for me. But I have spent a lot of time recently with him and am finding out more and more that he is the male version of me...I don't know, there are so many damn things to still sort through.

Mike knows about Abrian...He thinks it's cool that I am getting out there. Bleh. Sorry that t has taken so long to post. This post has been in the making since Sunday...I just haven;t had the heart to finish it.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Um....Am I on the same planet as the rest of the world or am I in the twilight zone?

Ok, so he like never came home last night. Where do I go from here? Suley, my exact thoughts this morning on the gasoline...

Why is he being so insensitive? This is not the man I have known for 8 years. This is not the same man who begged me yesterday to believe that he has never cheated on me...He even faked an all out cry session, hyperventilation and all. I am an idiot. I just need out of this house. As long as I am living here he will continue to rub my face in his filthy exploits and further soil my memories of him. Problem being that there are no apartments available. He had said just a week ago not to look because it would be 2 months at least before he could come up with my agreed settlement amount and that I was welcome to stay till then. He said that I could have this time to begin getting my head together and learn how to handle my finances.

I am overwhelmed and now last night he asked me to be out of the house by the end of the week if possible. I have been reasonable. I have been faithful. I have put up with him for 8 fucking years and this is how he treats me? Tossing me out and basically reniging on every verbal deal we had made. He had initially said that I could have the shop rent free for 2 months from the date that I left and after that time, we would discuss a dollar amount. Then it was "Oh, no you gotta pay me $400 now, starting this week..." And now this.

I am just completely blindsided by a fucking Mack truck...WTF? Do I hit bottom soon? I am beginning to lose my grasp on reality and feel this rage in the pit of my stomach. I want to push him and kick him and say to him when I do see him "I hope she faked every noise she made while you fucked her because your dick is so small that she most likely couldn't even feel you..." And I know it will cause him some pain because I will finally be admitting what I was always too sensitive to tell him..."You have a miniscule penis and you are a lousy lay!!!"

But I never will, you know why? Because I have always been and will continue to be the bigger person. I will continue to remain respectful of his feelings and keep my mouth quiet about how he is slowly killing me. Because to show this anger and hurt, will be to feed his ego. He knows what he is doing and is smart enough to predict the consequences. I refuse him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. BUT one thing I wish I knew is why would he do tis so soon? It only proves my theory that he never really did have respect for me.

And Christian, leaving the business to break all ties with Mike is about leaving all the feelings I have that the business wouldn't stand without him. And that without his jumpstart, I never would amount to anything. I am thinking about opening a pet sitting service. I won't need a shop to run out of and this area is in desperate need of one. Plus it will be a new beginning without a single shred of his help. You just don't understand the games he likes to play. In his mind, for the rest of our days, as long as Purrfect Pet Grooming is successful, it is because of him... And whether there is truth to it or not, I don't even wan him having the satisfaction of thinking it, because that is how god-damned egotistical he is. So that is the only reason. I want no part of him in my new life. I want to plow my own path without the help of him.

But fuck yea, I plan on going out tonight and getting totally trashed. I think I deserve a little escaping myself. Plus I have just got to get outside these repressing walls with their memories and betrayals...

Friday, October 07, 2005

A tangle of emotions

So it has been all day and I have gone through many emotions. At first as you have eyewitnessed in the previous post, I was hurt and angry. I have given this situation a lot of thought. I am so fed up with him, nauseous even. I just want this all to be over as quickly and painlessly as possible. I am continuing on with my original plan for now. Getting out of the house is priority numero uno. We will see if I can get financing for a house through a private lender. If it works out like I am hoping, I can be out of the house by the end of the week. If not, well that is when I begin to get concerned.

I am beginning to think that I want to shut the shop up. It is tied too closely to him and as long as I have it he can (and does) say "You only have that because of me"...I do not want any strings attached to him. I think the very sight of him will make my blood boil and stomach curdle. Yes I am still angry. I will not want to have to tippy toe around when he's got a girlfriend sleeping in the bedroom from a late night of drinks and sex. It would just be awkward and nerve racking. So, my options are open. My aunt wants me to move back to NY. Even if it's just for a month.

I don't want to go to NY though. I can go anywhere and make it better not knowing anyone in another state besides NY. I would go friggin anywhere else though. I have never been to the New England states. Maybe I could go there for a spell. Or I have always love Virginia. That's a beautiful state. Or any other of out fifty states. It is a real great feeling to be able to feel that open and full of hope. Despite all this drama now, I feel amazing. I realize there will be an adjustment period but I will make it out ok.

I need for once in my life to be the master of my own demise. Mike has guided my every step, literally day in and day out for 8 years. It will be hard at first to be a free thinker. There are a lot of things to remember, and I have never been a good rememberer. This will probably be my biggest hurdle, but I will have to learn. And the only way to learn is by making mistakes.

It just hit me how much I will miss my home. It was a sanctuary for me these past 3 years. It is a really beautiful home. My kids love it and just tonight I am enjoying what could quite possibly be my last night alone with the sounds and comfort of this house. The trickle of the turtle's pond. The sucking noise the air conditioner vent makes when the fan kicks on. Even the irritating buzz the refridgerator makes when the cooler turns on will be a sound of comfort and shall be sorely missed.

I will make new memories. . That is exhilarating to me. Gosh...I am really, finally on my very own.

I can not believe this is happening to me

Tonight for the first time, Mike and I sat down and discussed our relationship and where we think it went wrong. We both agreed that out time together was good for both of us, but that we have just grown apart. In some sense I feel relieved to finally hear him admit that this has been over for awhile, but a part of me is broken because I had deep down wanted to believe that I was this amazing person for him. And I wasn't. Never have been.

This discussion finally let to the rules. Rules about dating. He asked me if I mind if he goes out on a date with a woman he has worked with our mortgage on. I always knew they had a connection, so it was not really a surprise that it was her he planned on seeing this weekend. What surprised me was that he had been seeing her all week long. It was a really hard thing to do to not break down in front of him and even as I type this, I am trembling. I have been replaced. Already. And he has already moved on. I have stared up at the ceiling and cried now for a few hours, but it has not helped. I feel weak and helpless.

I felt so bad about him seeing this woman that I felt compelled to hurt him. I told him that he was a lousy lay and wished him luck with her. Apparently he has known since day one that I have never been attracted to him. He tried to pin the bad sex on me, but he faltered cause he admitted to not trying. I could tell my words stung him and I recieved some satisfaction in seeing his pinched up face. At least I wasn't the only one on the verge of tears.

Why is this so hard for me? I do want this divorce, but why is it killing me that he has moved on? I guess a part of me is suspicious that he has had somewhat of a relationship with her for sometime now. I also found out tonight that while I was being loaded into the ambulance, he told the paramedics that I am single. He is trying to find someone for me so that he doesn't feel guilty. I should have known.

When I met him 8 years ago, he had a girlfriend. They had been dating for 1 and 1/2yrs. Their relationship was at about the same stalemate that we have been in. I came along and he chatted me right up. He even kissed me and would have gone further if I hadn't stopped him. That same week she broke up with him. I remember him suggesting to her guys she should date....

His amazing helpfulness in this situation is also explained by guilt. The reason he has been so accommodating to me and hasn't even broken down. He has been waiting for the right moment...God I am such an idiot. Why did I not see it? And why the fuck am I even so bent up about it? I dunno. I guess a part of me really believed the things he said...That I am the only woman in the world for him, and that no matter what, if ever I change my mind I am welcome back into his life.

All lies. And gullible stupid me *would* believe that I could be loved so much. I desperately needed to believe that at least one person in this world thinks I am irreplaceable. How foolish. Well, lesson learned I suppose. And now here I sit, all alone, scared, broken, and worst of all, betrayed by the single person I believed would never hurt me.

I just can not believe the tables have turned. He was so sneaky and made me be the one to ask for this divorce, and here I thought I was being nice taking a small severance pay. Tricky fuck. How will I ever get past this? How can I ever trust again? Why does this hurt so much???

He will be dating her now. And I am left looking like a jerk. How did this happen?

I just don't know what to do from here. I desperately need my aunt. I just really need a shoulder to cry on. Jeanne doesn't know me and I still don't trust her. I wish I were in NY, even just for tonight. The tears just won't stop coming...I wish I never started. It is only making this worse.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

When it rains it pours

Yesterday started off as any other normal day, except I was excited. My plans were to go to lunch in Sedona with an ex-co-worker and then from there I had an appointment with a Dr. Mahanti for a consultation on getting my eyes Lasiked. It was an appointment I had been looking forward to for over a week.

I got ready and left the house earlier than necessary to meet Nancy for lunch. It was going to be Chinese...yum. I was dreaming up all the yummy dishes that I would nibble on. About 1/2 way to Sedona on hwy 179 which is an itty bitty road that is always congested with tourists driving slower than the speed limit,about 4 cars in front of me was a car stopped trying to make a left turn onto an obscure road. There is no turning lane for this road, so traffic had to stop and wait for him to turn. It was a blind spot in the road for most of the traffic and since people were riding close there were a lot of short stops. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw the woman behind me also stopping and at a safe distance, so I immediately relaxed. Suddenly BOOM SMASH SCREECH...

I was hit from the rear. I remember stomping on the break as hard as I could to keep from hitting the guy in front of me. I felt the car skidding forward and I remember thinking "WHAT THE FUCK!" I was pissed.

I pulled over to the side and was shocked to see that the car in front of me just drove off. I hadn't hit him. Thank God...I got out to check the damage and found that the woman behind me had also been rear ended, which in turn made her hit me. The car that caused the crash was completely crumpled in the front...Definitely totaled.

My first instinct was to call Mike. He told me what to do. I got back in my car and just kind of sat there dazed...It had happened so fast. I began almost immediately to feel a pain in my neck and numbness in my fingers. My stomach was also nauseous. About five minutes later the paramedic were there. Asking me rapid fire questions..."What's you name...How old are you...Squeeze my finger.." Another voice talking at the same rapid speed his questions overlapping the first voice "Can you wiggle your toes...Don't turn your head...Were you wearing your seat belt...?"

It was all so confusing. There was a man in the back seat holding my neck to prevent me from making any movements and all I remember thinking is "I hope I don't have bad breath, I really need a piece of gum."

They decided they needed to stop traffic to get me onto the back board and out of the car safely. The paramedic asked me if I could lift my butt off the seat so that he could place the board beneath me, and from there I was going to be swung his way. Now mind you, I was wearing a neck brace by this point and I could only see what was right in front of me. The paramedic in the back seat of the car grabbed my legs and spun me around so I was facing sideways in the drivers seat on this board. The man holding the board in the street kept saying "Now lay down, I've got you. Just trust me" But I was so scared. The man in the back seat pushed me gently down by my shoulders. And then I was staring at the sky. I could only look left and right and now I was being strapped to the board all safe and secure... Except I didn't feel safe. Mike had come to check out the car for me and was talking to the police and I could hear him yelling. The police wanted me to make a statement right then and there, but I didn't want to talk. Suddenly I was being lifted into the ambulance. It was so surreal, here I was staring at the ceiling of the ambulance and watching it roll by, just like in the movies. The lights were so bright but I couldn't not look at them.

The paramedic placed something on my finger and a blood pressure cuff on my arm. He was leaning over me and once again I was concerned about my breath and was beginning to feel claustrophobic because I was strapped so tight on the gurney and the ceiling of the ambulance began pressing down on me. My breaths were shallow because of how tight the straps across my chest were. It felt like an eternity before we began driving.

About 20 minutes later we made it to the hospital. The gurney was rolling smoothly across the polished surface of the hospital floor. The urgency in the paramedic voices had mellowed out and I could hear them talking to the nurse about their families.

After waiting in a room alone for about 10 minutes a doctor came in and began to gently unravel me from the confining restraints of the back board and neck brace. If he had waited another 5 minutes to release me I probably would have begun screaming maniacally. It felt so good to be able to breathe deeply again. Now that I was free from my restraints, my head began to think more clearly, and I realized that I was all alone. I could hear the other victims families in the room next door and it struck me how alone I am out here...If Mike and I weren't getting divorced he would have been by my side, but it was the decision I made to be alone. I guess deep down I had hoped he would come be with me anyway. A lonely tear rolled down my cheek, the first sign of moisture in a long time. A doctor walked into the room and I quickly wiped the tear from face. I wanted them to know that I was tough, not a cry baby.

They released me about an hour later and I called Mike to pick me up. He brought me to my car and I went to the pharmacy to get my pain killers and headed home. Needless to say, I missed both y lunch date and my eye appointment. It was a cruddy day, but today is a whole new day and I plan on trying to make the best of it. I contacted a lawyer and made an appointment to see a chiropractor today. We shall see what comes from this.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Free bird

So things have been moving right along. I thought it would not be possible to move out of the house for at least another 2 months, but I will actually be set to go as soon as I can find an appartment. I don't think I have ever been this scared and excited about something in my life. There is this amazing energy oozing from wthin myself, and I can hardly contain it. Mike and I are getting along just fine. He seems good. He's been going out and spending time with friends and working, which is good. His eyes aren't all swollen like he's been crying, so it makes things easier on me.

Now me on the other hand, well I have been sitting home every night all night alone and bored. For years, I have sat around the house not going out...Mike hates going out...I think it is high time I get out and have me some fun! I called a friend who is also recently single and we are going to make plans to go out this weekend. I am looking forward to it. Maybe meet some hot guys...who knows eh? Probably not. Besides I'm not really interested in meeting anybody.

Thank you all for your encouragement during this time of distress for me. I don't know what I would do without all of you...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Not alone

Yesterday Mike was talking to me and asking me where I was getting the strength to leave him. He thinks that I have someone lined up to take his place. (How wrong he is he will never know) He said something to the fact that women don't have strength on their own and that I must be getting it from somewhere because I am weak and don't posses the power to do it on my own...So I began to think about that statement.

As wrong as he is about a lot of things, he is partially correct here. For some time now I have posted daily updates about what an ass he is to me, and all of you have responded in such a positive way. I thank all of you personally for helping me see the light and giving such fabulous advice. Without all of your input, I might have stayed in this unhappy situation for many years to come.

Now I am a free bird. Oh how good it will feel to sleep in my very own place for that first night, all alone and unrepressed. I already have my theme song picked out for the day that I leave this house forever. "Leaving Las Vegas" Sheryl Crow. I intend to roll the windows down and blast it as loud as my speakers will go and drive off into the sunset singing along with Sheryl at the top of my lungs, grinning like a fool. Damn...Then I intend to get all dolled up and go out and pick a guy up and take him to my place and...Well, use your imagination...Just know that I will also be smiling then, heh.

Jeanne came home today. It was so good to see her and she was as happy to see me. I went to her place tonight and we laid around on her bed and watched a couple of movies and didn't have to talk. It was just nice to have company. Tomorrow we are going shopping. I think she needs me as much as I need her now. BTW, Cliff Castle casino on Wednesdays and Thursdays has the Chip 'N' Dales....Yeah baby we are going to raise some hell!

So again thank you for helping me get through, without you I don't know what I'd do...