I can not believe this is happening to me

Tonight for the first time, Mike and I sat down and discussed our relationship and where we think it went wrong. We both agreed that out time together was good for both of us, but that we have just grown apart. In some sense I feel relieved to finally hear him admit that this has been over for awhile, but a part of me is broken because I had deep down wanted to believe that I was this amazing person for him. And I wasn't. Never have been.

This discussion finally let to the rules. Rules about dating. He asked me if I mind if he goes out on a date with a woman he has worked with our mortgage on. I always knew they had a connection, so it was not really a surprise that it was her he planned on seeing this weekend. What surprised me was that he had been seeing her all week long. It was a really hard thing to do to not break down in front of him and even as I type this, I am trembling. I have been replaced. Already. And he has already moved on. I have stared up at the ceiling and cried now for a few hours, but it has not helped. I feel weak and helpless.

I felt so bad about him seeing this woman that I felt compelled to hurt him. I told him that he was a lousy lay and wished him luck with her. Apparently he has known since day one that I have never been attracted to him. He tried to pin the bad sex on me, but he faltered cause he admitted to not trying. I could tell my words stung him and I recieved some satisfaction in seeing his pinched up face. At least I wasn't the only one on the verge of tears.

Why is this so hard for me? I do want this divorce, but why is it killing me that he has moved on? I guess a part of me is suspicious that he has had somewhat of a relationship with her for sometime now. I also found out tonight that while I was being loaded into the ambulance, he told the paramedics that I am single. He is trying to find someone for me so that he doesn't feel guilty. I should have known.

When I met him 8 years ago, he had a girlfriend. They had been dating for 1 and 1/2yrs. Their relationship was at about the same stalemate that we have been in. I came along and he chatted me right up. He even kissed me and would have gone further if I hadn't stopped him. That same week she broke up with him. I remember him suggesting to her guys she should date....

His amazing helpfulness in this situation is also explained by guilt. The reason he has been so accommodating to me and hasn't even broken down. He has been waiting for the right moment...God I am such an idiot. Why did I not see it? And why the fuck am I even so bent up about it? I dunno. I guess a part of me really believed the things he said...That I am the only woman in the world for him, and that no matter what, if ever I change my mind I am welcome back into his life.

All lies. And gullible stupid me *would* believe that I could be loved so much. I desperately needed to believe that at least one person in this world thinks I am irreplaceable. How foolish. Well, lesson learned I suppose. And now here I sit, all alone, scared, broken, and worst of all, betrayed by the single person I believed would never hurt me.

I just can not believe the tables have turned. He was so sneaky and made me be the one to ask for this divorce, and here I thought I was being nice taking a small severance pay. Tricky fuck. How will I ever get past this? How can I ever trust again? Why does this hurt so much???

He will be dating her now. And I am left looking like a jerk. How did this happen?

I just don't know what to do from here. I desperately need my aunt. I just really need a shoulder to cry on. Jeanne doesn't know me and I still don't trust her. I wish I were in NY, even just for tonight. The tears just won't stop coming...I wish I never started. It is only making this worse.