Day of despair

I told my mother today about the divorce. I hadn't planned on telling her until it was completely final, but I am in a bad way and desperately needed to talk .If I could have anticipated her reaction, I would never have opened my mouth. She was all negative and was completely unsupported of my decision. She disagrees with my decision to walk away from the house and property and doesn't have faith that I will financially make it on my own.

I swore to myself that I was going to be alright no matter what. I have been scared, but still confident that things will be ok. She has torn down my confidence and I am left shivering in my fabulous boots. I have yet to cry, I haven't cried in years though. I want to cry, the tears just won't come. I think my tear ducts have forgotten how. I feel shattered and beaten already and I haven't even crossed the threshold into my new life. I'm still being coddled by Mike, he's helping me handle everything. But reality is setting in, in part because of my mother. I may not be alright. I might fall on my ass. It is a very real possibility that I lose the business. I have about 4 months to find a commercial location that I can afford. If not, I'm in serious trouble. Mike wants to put the house up for sale within 6 months. When that happens, I will need to be out of the shop in the house. WTF am I supposed to do here?

These questions just keep circulating in my head and no resolution is within grasp. God, I am so scared. I am alone and have no support. I feel like my world is spinning out of my grasp. On the same coin, I read all my previous posts about how miserable I have been with Mike and know that ultimately I am making the correct decision. I think the hardest part for me is the loneliness...

Jeanne, my only single friend who has been away all summer will be arriving home either today or tomorrow. I hope she will help me get through this. I just need someone to sit by me and not say anything. No judging, no advice. Just a smile will help me I think.

*sigh* Well, I filed the petition today and I will serve Mike tonight. He will sign the service acceptance papers and on Monday I will go back to the clerk and from that moment all we have to do is wait. Tis almost over. It seems so simple in theory, doesn't it? It is way harder to actually do.

Now I will officially be labeled as a "divorcee"...Not quite sure how I feel about that. I think the bad times are just beginning...Dark days are ahead indeed. But I am a strong girl. I shall persevere, and I know that I am not the first person in the world to go through this. So...I'll be ok, despite what other people may think.