It's 3am I must be lonely
Tonight is my first night sleeping alone in years. Since I have moved myself into the guest bedroom across the house from the master bedroom, it's just me and the cats and dogs. I thought that out of habit they would be sleeping with him, but they are loyal lil suckers. I have a pile of pets on top of the bed. Gosh, I just love them to pieces. I hope the next guy I date likes animals...
So I just woke up and am not really tired. The brain is going a million miles per second. Most of me knows that I am doing the right thing. I have never been fully happy and have never ever seen myself married to him for the rest of my life. There is just this one nagging voice whispering though, telling me to turn back and go the easy way. I am going to stay strong though and follow through. I need to. I will.
For those of you that do not know, we have been married for almost 3 years. January 17 will make the 3 year mark, though we have been together since I was just 17. I met him 2 months before I turned 17 and 5 months later I was living with his parents and him. We lived there for about 1 1/2 years and then got an apartment. About a year after we were in the apartment, he proposed out of the blue. I can honestly remember thinking...."OMG, I do not want to marry this guy.." We stayed engaged for 2 whole years and never once talked about setting a date and actually following through. We went to an engagement part for one of his uncles and his family applied pressure on us as to when we were going to finally take the plunge. So, that very night we decided to plan the wedding for January, only 4 or 5 months ahead. Sorta spur of the moment. It was fun and exciting until he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the planning, and even refused to comment on simple choices such as out wedding song. I planned the entire night myself, without the help of my mother, his mother or him. I should have taken that as a great big hint, but at the time I was so wrapped up in the excitement of the party, that I didn't stop and think what I was about to do.
After the wedding, the very next day we embarked on our honeymoon, which was to be our greatest decision. We drove around the country for about 6 weeks, with no real time schedule. We spent a lot of time in the southwest because during the months of January and February, it is cold in a majority od the country. Finally we arrived home sweet home and though it was FREEZING in comparison to the southwest, we were glad to be home. The temperature was 17 degrees compared to about 50 degrees during the day in Arizona. That night we looked at eachother and said "Let's move" besides we had such a great time on the honeymoon, we never wanted it to end. So within 10 days of our arrival back to New York, we were packed and on the road again. We had no jobs here, no family, no friends, no place to stay and not a lot of money. We had spent it all on the road. Within 4 hours of our arrival to Flagstaff, we had found jobs and an apartment.
6 months of living in Arizona, and we were doing really good. Things were so much cheaper than in NY. Car insurance was less than half the price for each month, rent was hundreds of dollars cheaper too. It soon became a reality that we would be able to buy a house, so we did. We ended up finding this new cute home in a real small town for a smoking price, and we jumped on it. Which pretty much brings us to today. Since we have been living here, he has got his contractors license and opened up a business of his own. He is an electrician and has 3 new trucks, 2 full time employees and makes killer money. I have opened the grooming shop out of the house and only have to work part time.
Throughout all of this there have been many warning signs, all of which I ignored. He has never been interested in what I have to say, we have virtually NOTHING in common and like I said from the beginning of our relationship I never really wanted to marry him in the first place, but I got so caught up in the bullshit, that I ignored everything my mind was telling me. So here we are, facing divorce now and I just feel scared because he is all I have ever known. He has handled virtually every aspect of my life as long as I have known him and I am afraid that I will fall on my ass without him holding me up. But I am excited about the possibilities opening up before me and intend to stay strong and be true to myself regardless of how ugly it gets. My heart says for me to leave. I can only be thankful that we never had children, unless of course, you count the cats and dogs...all of them who will be coming with me. So, Hopefully this has helped some of you understand a bit better the dynamics of our relationship. There is so much more there too, a lot of negative stuff, but I am choosing to remember us in a positive way, because I feel like I needed this experience to help me be who I am today.
And Adeline, a ree-ree is an endearing term I call my boxer, meaning retard. Sometimes I refer to myself as a ree-ree too.
So I just woke up and am not really tired. The brain is going a million miles per second. Most of me knows that I am doing the right thing. I have never been fully happy and have never ever seen myself married to him for the rest of my life. There is just this one nagging voice whispering though, telling me to turn back and go the easy way. I am going to stay strong though and follow through. I need to. I will.
For those of you that do not know, we have been married for almost 3 years. January 17 will make the 3 year mark, though we have been together since I was just 17. I met him 2 months before I turned 17 and 5 months later I was living with his parents and him. We lived there for about 1 1/2 years and then got an apartment. About a year after we were in the apartment, he proposed out of the blue. I can honestly remember thinking...."OMG, I do not want to marry this guy.." We stayed engaged for 2 whole years and never once talked about setting a date and actually following through. We went to an engagement part for one of his uncles and his family applied pressure on us as to when we were going to finally take the plunge. So, that very night we decided to plan the wedding for January, only 4 or 5 months ahead. Sorta spur of the moment. It was fun and exciting until he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the planning, and even refused to comment on simple choices such as out wedding song. I planned the entire night myself, without the help of my mother, his mother or him. I should have taken that as a great big hint, but at the time I was so wrapped up in the excitement of the party, that I didn't stop and think what I was about to do.
After the wedding, the very next day we embarked on our honeymoon, which was to be our greatest decision. We drove around the country for about 6 weeks, with no real time schedule. We spent a lot of time in the southwest because during the months of January and February, it is cold in a majority od the country. Finally we arrived home sweet home and though it was FREEZING in comparison to the southwest, we were glad to be home. The temperature was 17 degrees compared to about 50 degrees during the day in Arizona. That night we looked at eachother and said "Let's move" besides we had such a great time on the honeymoon, we never wanted it to end. So within 10 days of our arrival back to New York, we were packed and on the road again. We had no jobs here, no family, no friends, no place to stay and not a lot of money. We had spent it all on the road. Within 4 hours of our arrival to Flagstaff, we had found jobs and an apartment.
6 months of living in Arizona, and we were doing really good. Things were so much cheaper than in NY. Car insurance was less than half the price for each month, rent was hundreds of dollars cheaper too. It soon became a reality that we would be able to buy a house, so we did. We ended up finding this new cute home in a real small town for a smoking price, and we jumped on it. Which pretty much brings us to today. Since we have been living here, he has got his contractors license and opened up a business of his own. He is an electrician and has 3 new trucks, 2 full time employees and makes killer money. I have opened the grooming shop out of the house and only have to work part time.
Throughout all of this there have been many warning signs, all of which I ignored. He has never been interested in what I have to say, we have virtually NOTHING in common and like I said from the beginning of our relationship I never really wanted to marry him in the first place, but I got so caught up in the bullshit, that I ignored everything my mind was telling me. So here we are, facing divorce now and I just feel scared because he is all I have ever known. He has handled virtually every aspect of my life as long as I have known him and I am afraid that I will fall on my ass without him holding me up. But I am excited about the possibilities opening up before me and intend to stay strong and be true to myself regardless of how ugly it gets. My heart says for me to leave. I can only be thankful that we never had children, unless of course, you count the cats and dogs...all of them who will be coming with me. So, Hopefully this has helped some of you understand a bit better the dynamics of our relationship. There is so much more there too, a lot of negative stuff, but I am choosing to remember us in a positive way, because I feel like I needed this experience to help me be who I am today.
And Adeline, a ree-ree is an endearing term I call my boxer, meaning retard. Sometimes I refer to myself as a ree-ree too.
posted by Madam Sakura @ 3:18 AM
1 Comments:
At Mon Sep 26, 11:48:00 PM,
Unknown said…
Thanks for the background Jenelle, you are not a ree ree. I in fact find it really hard to believe that a person who has the huevos and ability to recover from alcoholism and move from new york to arizona and have a job and an apt within four hours thinks they will fall flat on their ass, I would say that you are most definately well suited to independence based on the life experience you have, and the biggest question it seems to me now is "Alimony?"
I moved out of my dads house after months if not years of sparks flying from power struggles. By hook or by crook, I have made it on my own working whatever stupid ass job that came along as long as it would pay rent. I also got my sorry self through school (even though my degree is looked down up by real scholars, according to Suley) and even though there were days way back when when I would call and be hassled by bill collectors, and rent in college was a monthly hurdle, and new underpants seemed like a luxury beyond measure or reach...that is all just a funny memory in the past that forced me to be creative about having fun, value every little penny, be a grocery shopping sharp shooter (despite a bad case of laziness) and all kinds of other stuff. Why am I telling you all this? Because what little I know of you I am already confident that you will not be landing no way no how on your posterior. Mostly I am just sorry you had to have this experience of a bad marraige.
And just so you know, I am really not a gorilla, so that you don't feel like you are being encouraged by a gorilla.
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