Um....Am I on the same planet as the rest of the world or am I in the twilight zone?

Ok, so he like never came home last night. Where do I go from here? Suley, my exact thoughts this morning on the gasoline...

Why is he being so insensitive? This is not the man I have known for 8 years. This is not the same man who begged me yesterday to believe that he has never cheated on me...He even faked an all out cry session, hyperventilation and all. I am an idiot. I just need out of this house. As long as I am living here he will continue to rub my face in his filthy exploits and further soil my memories of him. Problem being that there are no apartments available. He had said just a week ago not to look because it would be 2 months at least before he could come up with my agreed settlement amount and that I was welcome to stay till then. He said that I could have this time to begin getting my head together and learn how to handle my finances.

I am overwhelmed and now last night he asked me to be out of the house by the end of the week if possible. I have been reasonable. I have been faithful. I have put up with him for 8 fucking years and this is how he treats me? Tossing me out and basically reniging on every verbal deal we had made. He had initially said that I could have the shop rent free for 2 months from the date that I left and after that time, we would discuss a dollar amount. Then it was "Oh, no you gotta pay me $400 now, starting this week..." And now this.

I am just completely blindsided by a fucking Mack truck...WTF? Do I hit bottom soon? I am beginning to lose my grasp on reality and feel this rage in the pit of my stomach. I want to push him and kick him and say to him when I do see him "I hope she faked every noise she made while you fucked her because your dick is so small that she most likely couldn't even feel you..." And I know it will cause him some pain because I will finally be admitting what I was always too sensitive to tell him..."You have a miniscule penis and you are a lousy lay!!!"

But I never will, you know why? Because I have always been and will continue to be the bigger person. I will continue to remain respectful of his feelings and keep my mouth quiet about how he is slowly killing me. Because to show this anger and hurt, will be to feed his ego. He knows what he is doing and is smart enough to predict the consequences. I refuse him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. BUT one thing I wish I knew is why would he do tis so soon? It only proves my theory that he never really did have respect for me.

And Christian, leaving the business to break all ties with Mike is about leaving all the feelings I have that the business wouldn't stand without him. And that without his jumpstart, I never would amount to anything. I am thinking about opening a pet sitting service. I won't need a shop to run out of and this area is in desperate need of one. Plus it will be a new beginning without a single shred of his help. You just don't understand the games he likes to play. In his mind, for the rest of our days, as long as Purrfect Pet Grooming is successful, it is because of him... And whether there is truth to it or not, I don't even wan him having the satisfaction of thinking it, because that is how god-damned egotistical he is. So that is the only reason. I want no part of him in my new life. I want to plow my own path without the help of him.

But fuck yea, I plan on going out tonight and getting totally trashed. I think I deserve a little escaping myself. Plus I have just got to get outside these repressing walls with their memories and betrayals...