A tangle of emotions

So it has been all day and I have gone through many emotions. At first as you have eyewitnessed in the previous post, I was hurt and angry. I have given this situation a lot of thought. I am so fed up with him, nauseous even. I just want this all to be over as quickly and painlessly as possible. I am continuing on with my original plan for now. Getting out of the house is priority numero uno. We will see if I can get financing for a house through a private lender. If it works out like I am hoping, I can be out of the house by the end of the week. If not, well that is when I begin to get concerned.

I am beginning to think that I want to shut the shop up. It is tied too closely to him and as long as I have it he can (and does) say "You only have that because of me"...I do not want any strings attached to him. I think the very sight of him will make my blood boil and stomach curdle. Yes I am still angry. I will not want to have to tippy toe around when he's got a girlfriend sleeping in the bedroom from a late night of drinks and sex. It would just be awkward and nerve racking. So, my options are open. My aunt wants me to move back to NY. Even if it's just for a month.

I don't want to go to NY though. I can go anywhere and make it better not knowing anyone in another state besides NY. I would go friggin anywhere else though. I have never been to the New England states. Maybe I could go there for a spell. Or I have always love Virginia. That's a beautiful state. Or any other of out fifty states. It is a real great feeling to be able to feel that open and full of hope. Despite all this drama now, I feel amazing. I realize there will be an adjustment period but I will make it out ok.

I need for once in my life to be the master of my own demise. Mike has guided my every step, literally day in and day out for 8 years. It will be hard at first to be a free thinker. There are a lot of things to remember, and I have never been a good rememberer. This will probably be my biggest hurdle, but I will have to learn. And the only way to learn is by making mistakes.

It just hit me how much I will miss my home. It was a sanctuary for me these past 3 years. It is a really beautiful home. My kids love it and just tonight I am enjoying what could quite possibly be my last night alone with the sounds and comfort of this house. The trickle of the turtle's pond. The sucking noise the air conditioner vent makes when the fan kicks on. Even the irritating buzz the refridgerator makes when the cooler turns on will be a sound of comfort and shall be sorely missed.

I will make new memories. . That is exhilarating to me. Gosh...I am really, finally on my very own.