My life

Me, in a nut shell

Friday, September 15, 2006

One minute to the next, it's ever changing....

I am such an idiot. Last night after I got the text from Terry saying he was sorry and that he had to cancel this weekend, I sulked for about 1/2 an hour. I then sent him a text saying "you're kidding, right?" I realize that this was kinda bitchy and a bit outta line. He sent a message back saying "no, I wish I was..." I tried to call him then and he didn't answer his phone. 5 minutes later he sent another message telling me that he was still at work and couldn't talk...He never called me back. Truly though I don't blame him, he probably thought that I was going to yell at him or make him feel bad...*sigh*

Hopefully he calls today. If not, he's out-skys...My new phrase for people in general who mad-dog me is "You're not worthy of my attentions". It helps me to eliminate those who make me feel bad, cause truly, I am a spectacular person and deserve to be around people who know this and appreciate me instead of take advantage of my kind heart. I know that because of my kindness and niceness that I need to be a little kind to myself and not allow the emotional vampires to suck my life and vitality away. The changes that need to take place in my life need to come from within. I am the only one that can change my outlook and I am the only one that is going to protect me. Lesson learned...Or at least in the process of learning...lol!

Well, I don't know what else to do. Moving sounds like a great idea to me. Phoenix is looking pretty tempting to me lately. I can find work and cheap appartments...Lots of people and hopefully lots of real men to choose from! Also I hope to find myself there...Who knows what will become of me...????

Thursday, September 14, 2006

What started off as happy thoughts turned into bitterness and sadness...

So my buddy Terry from Phoenix...Yeah. I am going down there this Saturday. It will be the first time that we are hanging out since we were "together". He called me and asked me what I was doing for my birthday weekend (HE REMEMBERED!!!) and asked me if I wanted to chill out with him. He said probably 10 times that he really wants to see me. It is so nice to be wanted. Those other 2 boys are just that...BOYS. They simply are too immature to realize the gem I am, and that's ok. I don't dig little boys. LOL. Or at least not anymore, it's my latest realization.

I am truly having a hard time believing that it has been a year since Mike and I decided to split up. What a fucking whirlwind!!! Alot of bad shit has gone down, but alot of mature realizations have come from it all. I always was the type that I need to learn shit the hard way. I'm a stubborn, foolish girl! I guess it's because I feel proud to say that I learned everything on my own. It's a defect of mine, I realize this, yet I am too stubborn...

Ok...Here it is an hour later, ( I am at work so I keep getting interrupted...GRRRRR) and I got a text from Terry...He has to cancel for this weekend. Apparently he has to work the entire weekend. I am so upset I want to cry. I haven't had a weekend off in weeks and have been planning to keep this one off hoping to do something really great for my birthday. I am tired of being dissapointed but I guess that's life, as Dino would say anyway...*SIGH* So much for a romantic, cuddly weekend with a very sweet and caring guy. BLEH!!!!

So, here I am stuck in this shithole of a town. I miss my family. There's nothing fun to do, nowhere to go. I feel like I want to fucking scream and scream and scream. Maybe it would help. I am working so much that I feel like I want to pass out. Something has gotta give. Some change needs to happen. Life has got to give me a fucking break eventually, right? I mean things can't possibly keep sucking foever....Or can they?

I always thought I had a great outlook on life, but recently I haven't had the heart. There's only so many times that you get dissappointed before you begin to get bitter. I don't want to be bitter forever. I truly fear though that I will become a angry, lonely, old, insane cat lady...That's a scary thought but completely possible. How dreary. There seems no end to the blah-ness.

Monday, September 11, 2006

My very first tattoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So I finally did it!! Bit the bullet and got a tattoo...!!! I initially went in to get something small...I was thinking of a butterfly. But then I saw a picture of a woman with a cherry tree in bloom on her back and thought...Holy hell! That's spectacular!!!! My tattoo artist Dan and I began looking through japanese watercolor paintings and together we came up with this design. I love it sooooo much because it is so damn unique. I just got it Saturday night so it hasn't healed yet. In about 2 weeks I will post another picture when it has because the colors will be different. The final product will be phenominal!!!