On the road to recovery

I would like to start off by first saying thank you to all of you who have stopped by and offered words of encouragement. I appreciate each and every one of you, and your kind words have really helped propel me and keep me afloat during this difficult time for me.

It has been a weekend of interesting events. Quiet mostly, but interesting because I have had a lot of time to reflect and work on my issues with Mike. I have really come to terms with our situation and feel ok about everything going on. I also realize that things have not been easy on him, and that he is dealing in the best way that he knows how. I will just be really glad when things have got to the next level and I no longer live in the house and can continue to go forth.

This time in my life, while tumutulous, has also been very exciting and scary in a good way for me. I feel alive for the first time in probably my whole life, which is a bold statement, but that is how good I really feel. Every once in a while I feel overwhelmed and need to stop and sigh or say terrible things about Mike. The reality is that you all are only hearing one side of the story. I have given this a lot of thought and think it is high time you hear his half from my point of view, if only to clear my conscience and that perhaps you will have a better understanding of the situation.

Through these years that we have spent together, I have really taken advantage of his love for me. I am beginning to see that some of our issues were present because of me. I never had any respect for him and took, took, took. And when I was done taking, I'd ask for more. He gave me everything I ever wanted materially, never balked at a thing. And if he did, it was an act so that he could surprise me with it. I remember this one time a while back that he went into the convenience store for coffee. He came back out with a scratch off lottery ticket and handed it to me. I was all excited and scratched it off to find it was a loser. A moment later he was handing me another one. Also a loser I began to pout (I am a SORE loser) and once again there was another one for me. He surprised me with an additional 5 tickets and each time I didn't win anything. Instead of being happy that he was so sweet and had put thought into this surprise, I pouted and became sullen that I hadn't won anything.

I think that was the pretty much the way our relationship went. He seemed to always think about me and go out of his way for little things like that, and I eventually got used to it and came to expect it. I am not really sure at what point I became a spoiled brat, but I know that it was also somewhere around the time that I realized that while I loved him, I wasn't in love with him. It was hard to think about because I knew how he felt about me just beaue of how selfless he was and always thought about me.

I pushed him away all these years because I was too chicken to confess the truth, and I think in turn he has become bitter. I can't say that I really blame him. As much as I want for all of this mess to be completely his fault, in reality it just isn't. I am at the very least half responsible.

My ultimate hope is that all of you reading this will not pass judgment on him any longer, because he has taken care of me all these years in the best capacity he possibly could, and I appreciate all that he has done for me in the past.

I finally hae started dating...The guy from a few weeks ago who picked his grandmothers dogs??? Well , we have been IMing now off and on for a few weeks. Sometimes I pushed him away because he was too intense for me. But I have spent a lot of time recently with him and am finding out more and more that he is the male version of me...I don't know, there are so many damn things to still sort through.

Mike knows about Abrian...He thinks it's cool that I am getting out there. Bleh. Sorry that t has taken so long to post. This post has been in the making since Sunday...I just haven;t had the heart to finish it.