Not goodbye, but see you soon...A letter to all of my readers

Isn't it funny how something once so important to us can, literally overnight, become almost obsolete? That is how I have felt about blogging and just writing in general. There was a time that I would post everyday religiously. Hell, sometimes even 2 or 3 times! But as of lately I just haven't had the desire to post. I almost feel like I have to, as opposed to wanting to. I had even considered deleting the entire blog and dropping off the face of the earth...I couldn't tell you why, it's just how I have felt.

When I began this I had wanted a theme...Sort of a fun airy blog. I never intended for it to turn into a rant journal, and I feel disappointed that it has turned into just that. Maybe I just need a short break. I dunno.

I have never been good at sticking to anything. EVER. This blog was the only thing that I had made a commitment to that I actually stuck to for as long as I have because I enjoyed it. I still enjoy it in a sense, but it doesn't give me the same satisfaction that I used to get by spewing all my crap out here.

I haven't been spending near as much time on the internet that I used to. Maybe 20 minutes every other day. It's almost as if I have been avoiding it like the black plague. I can't even figure out why.

I think maybe all I need now is a little time away. Some space if you will. I plan on still reading blogs...(though I have been a bad kid and lurking, not commenting, I'm still there) and think that some time away is necessary to get my groove back. Writing is my passion just that I am at a strange time right now. I don't know up from down and in some cases right from wrong.

I hope that you all understand and check in periodically. I am thinking perhaps after Christmas is when I intend to begin posting again. Thanks to everyone of you who have commented and shown care and concern. It really does mean a lot to me.

Merry Christmas to all of you!

XOXO-Jenelle

A new theory...

I have come to the realization that instead of wasting my energy in worrying about this whole A. Situation that I need to refocus. I need to refocus on me and my everyday life and how I can improve my routine. I have been letting the house to fall to shambles. Not putting things away when I'm done with them, leaving dishes everywhere, not vacuuming or sweeping. I feel all disoriented and cant seem to find anything.

I am thinking a big part of this has to do with the fact that when I met Mike, I was a very lost soul. I was just getting out of the party scene cause it wasn't making me happy to be drunk every night. I didn't know anyone outside the party scene, I didn't really know any other lifestyle, especially since I grew up in the same environment as the one I was partaking. I had no idea what the "normal" people did. Mike basically took me under his wing and plopped me into his life and routine. I only know him and so It's strange because I never got a chance to start my life. I pretty much just walked into a life already made for me. All I literally had to do was the basic life functions.

So here I am now, waiting for things to fall into place since that is the way is happens for me. And guess what I am learning? That's right folks...The kid's gotta do it herself...Scary and liberating at the same time. I am literally learning to live my life...It is exhilarating to think of the things that I always did his way that I don't have to anymore...Enough to put a shit eatin' grin on my face for awhile!

I want to eat healthy and take better care of my body. Take vitamins, give myself a manicure and pedicure. I am friggin single for cryin out loud! I can be as selfish as I want to be! And I am going to, too.

So yea, I would like to think that when he gets his shit together maybe some time down the road, and I am in a better place emotionally perhaps it could be something amazing. I honestly feel that, but I can't tell the future and wasting all my energy waiting and hoping...Well it is not good. I have been neglecting the most important thing...ME!

So I am starting the day tomorrow with a fresh new game plan. It feels good to finally set my game plan. I am slowly getting the hang of this "free thinking". Can I hear a HALLELUJAH from all my oppressed sistas!

That's all the news that's fit to print. Night Y'all! XOXO

Long sleepless nights

Yea, so things have been ok. Only ok because I have been having a hard time sleeping. This past week I have really been concentrating on thinking more about me...Who is Jenelle, and what does she like to do? It is also a tactic to help my mind not think about the Abrian situation. I still miss him a lot, but during the day when I am busy I feel alright. He's still in the back of my mind, but I don't feel melancholy.

Every night for the past 3 nights in a row, I have sat down and watched t.v. and every night I have passed out on the couch by around 11 because I am exhausted. And every night I wake up in a zombie foggy haze and go stumbling into my room around 12 or so. And also every night I lay down in my bed and am about to slip back into glorious slumber when suddenly, my eyes snap open and almost instantly I feel wide awake. My mind starts racing a million miles an hour, and the only thing I am thinking about is Abrian. I am wondering if he misses me, or if he and his wife are patching things up. Does he even think about me? Does he know how tortured I have felt this past week? .....And on and on and on....

These questions and a BAZILLION others race through my mind at the speed of Mach ten. I can't turn my brain off, and I am beginning to think that by repressing my thought during the day is causing this night time interruption. My brain is insistent that I suffer. There is an evil person operating the mechanics, of this I am convinced.

So where do I go from here? I am as confused as, if not more than I was when this whole thing started. Should I call? Or should I....Honestly I can't even offer myself any options that I like. What would be my ideal situation? Well, ideally he would call me and tell me that he misses me and that he would like to come and see me. We would hang out and have fun and I would be happy.

In other news, I spoke with my mom last night and she has booked my ticket to fly to NY! I will be leaving Arizona on Dec. 20th and coming back home on the 29th. They really wanted me to stay longer, but I honestly can not afford to not work for any longer than that. I am super stoked because I haven't spent a real Christmas with my family in 8 years...Since I met Mike.

Also I went yesterday and got the final 2 tests necessary to be declared a candidate for LASIK surgery. Everything looks good. I asked her if I could have it done before I go to NY so that I can show off my "new face" to go along with my "new body" (I have lost 20 lbs since I last saw everyone) and once the surgery is done I have a really great "new haircut" to complete the transformation. The date for the surgery is tentatively set for December 5th. I will find out on Monday for sure though. I never expected to have it done so soon...Both exciting and scary at the same time.

So along with my stress over Abrian and trying to imagine what he could possibly be thinking, I have all this other stuff, which is the reason that I can't sleep, though mainly I attribute it all to Abrian.

God...Why do I miss him so much?????

Meh...

So I don't feel as happy as I did yesterday, but I am still in better shape than than I was only a few days ago. I am trying not to think about...Well you know. It is best if I just keep on keepin on and let things run their course.

And in other news, Jeannie and I are going to do Thanksgiving together at her house. She invited her ex-husband (yes, that's right folks, EX) and since I know my roommate doesn't have any friends or family I invited him. So far it will be just the 4 of us, but I think it will be really nice.

Also I am almost positive that my mom is going to buy me a plane ticket so that I can fly to New York for Christmas. I haven't spent a Christmas with my family in about 4 or 5 years, and am beginning to get excited about it. Not getting too worked up until the ticket is booked though. I have no idea what it will cost and it just might be too expensive. So that's all the news that's fit to print!

Feelin good today!

Today was a great day. I had resolved on Sunday night that I was going to get my butt in gear and accomplish the things that I have been putting on hold, like sending off some bills and getting my car damage from the accident estimated...After 3 hours of running in and out of every bank in Cottonwood and the post office and proofing a new batch of business cards, I took a drive over to Tae Kwan Do Unlimited because I wanted to inquire about pricing and find out when I could start. Unfortunately it wouldn't open till 4 pm. So I went home and had 4 dogs today. Then I had to go to the doctor because I got a UTI and from there I went back to the school. I walked in and the energy was amazing. The woman behind the counter invited me to come to the class tonight to watch and see if I like it...I told her that I was just going to sign up and participate tonight if possible.

So I got my uniform and came home to wash it cause it was soo stiff. An hour later I was back at TKDU and participating. It was friggin awesome! I had so much fun that it was wrong. I was complimented on my stretch and told that once I get the stances that my kicks will be fantastic. Also I got to spar with the sensae. Three times! It was just too cool.

This is the first day in almost a whole week that I even left the house cause I wanted to. I wasn't longing for my jammies and bed. I was simply enjoying myself. It felt so nice to enjoy my own company.

I spoke to Abrian briefly today. I was excited about the class and wanted to tell him so I called him. Meh...He was kinda grumpy. I just shrugged it off though and decided not to let it bother me anymore. If he decides that he wants to see me again then fine...I'd love to hang out with him. But I honestly have to prepare myself for what I perceive as the worst case scenario, which would be that he gets back with his wife. It is a real possibility, so I have to be ready and not be blindsided.

My new resolve (which I realize should have been my resolve all this time) is to just try and enjoy each moment as it's happening and not worry about the things I have no control over. Because instead of worrying about me I was worrying about what he was thinking, and I have no control over it which was frustrating to me. I just gotta back off and let it be. It will happen if it's meant to.

So, it has come to this...

Just as I predicted, Abrian called me and said he needs space and time to think. Perhaps for only a short time, and perhaps not. I really don't know. As upsetting as it is to me I also understand because I have been where he is, except for the having a kid part. I understand that it makes things way more complicated.

I think I should clarify, for those of you who do not know the entire situation, why it is that I am seeing a married man. See, he and his wife have been separated for a few months and are going through a divorce, same as me and Mike. She left him 3 weeks prior to me leaving. So it is not as devilish as it may have at first seemed, though technically, yes we are both still married to other people.

If I could fast forward in time to see what the future has in store for me, I totally would. I feel at stalemate right now, like everything needs so much effort. And I haven't got the energy, mentally or physically to deal with it. I feel like I could lay down and sleep forever, or at least until these hard times have passed.

The gods mush hold me in high regard as they sent the rain I asked for. Living in a state of eternal sunshine when all you want is rain to match your mood is maddening. It only helps to facilitate the feeling that life is wasting away. I don't feel guilty sleeping when it is cold and raining though. So my plans for today include no more than a nap, dinner, and then bed for the evening. I am already worn out from expressing myself here. *SIGH*

I think deep down I know that eventually things will get better, but I don't want to wait. I want to skip this part, move onto the next exciting thing in my life. Ugh. And I do miss him, and it hasn't even been a whole day. I guess just knowing that I really shouldn't call him is what does it. I hope he figures it all out and it goes in my favor. Is that horrible? That I don't want him to get back with his wife? Meh...I dunno.

What a tangled web we weave

*Sigh* I really don't even know where to begin. Things have just gotten so out of hand and I feel horrible because I feel like the cause of it all. I think I should start off by saying that those of you who I IM know how I really feel about Abrian, despite some of my stupid remarks that I have made here. He has been my friend and confidant and my lover as well. It seems that the only time I smile is when he is here with me. And I guess a huge part of the reason that I say such disgusting things about him is for 2 major reasons. 1. I was in the dark about the status of him and his wife's standings and their entire situation. I guess I was afraid to bring it up because I didn't want to upset him. It seemed a touchy topic and I think we had a silent agreement to simply enjoy what little time we have together, which up till this point we have done. The 2nd reason is that I have been selfish in not understanding what he was trying to tell me and only thinking about myself. I want what I want when I want it, bottom line. I guess when it comes to matters of the heart thought it doesn't work quite that way.

Monday Abrian had come over and there was a static electricity in the air. Something felt different and it was a really good different. That night I learned that sex is not just sex, though honestly it was always more than that to me anyway. We connected on an amazing level and didn't just have sex, but as corny as it may sound to you cynics out there (ahem, I am referring to myself mainly here) we made love. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before and it literally blew my mind away. And just like that (snap of fingers) things changed. I can't say that I really know what made them change (ok, I can but chose not to...Some things are meant never to be told) but in an instant, right before my very eyes we were different. And there was this tension we never had before. And tonight I think I fully understand it all and I feel horrible about it because it is all my fault.

In me being selfish and demanding of him, it has put a strain on the relationship with him and his wife. I would probably not care if not for the fact that they have a child, but I can't possibly come between him and his family. And whatever the outcome is, if they get back together or not, I think he needs to sort that all out without having to think about me too and my wants and needs. I really don't want to have to let him go, but I think at this point it is the best. And if even a week from now and he feels like shit is sorted...Well good. But in reality things are so much mre complicated than that. I really just want him to be happy, whatever that is. I have to put my selfish thoughts to the side and be strong and let him loose. Or perhaps if I didn't down the line he might come to resent me and feel like I forced him into this, which quite honestly up till this point I guess I was.

Lord knows that I miss him already.

And in more depressing news, Thanksgiving is going to be a bust this year. I have no plans and no family to spend it with. I thought it wouldn't matter, but as the date gets nearer and nearer I am dreading it...I do not know if I can honestly handle any more sad feelings. As of lately I have spent my time either working or sleeping. I recognize this as signs of depression and I also know that getting out would be good for me, yet I simply can not bring myself to leave the house other than for necessities, and even then I find myself longing for my jammies an bed. I do not feel fit for company other than Abrian and that thought just makes me even sadder because of what I think we must do, even if it is just for a short time. *sigh*

I think you all should know that I have actually begun to like my roommate and think he's an aight dude. He's growing on me and he almost feels like a brother. He's a real good listener. And all of you are too for that matter. So there. You wanted the truth? You can't handle the truth...Or can you?

Just when I thought I wanted to roll over and die...

I feel like I am beginning to be me again. I had heard from a guy friend of mine the other day the horrendous truth about what has been going on with Abrian, and even though in my heart of hearts (what a dumb saying huh?) I already knew it, for some reason when he said it it just clicked. His exact words were that he's "hittin it then quittin it". It was a giant slap in the face. And just like that, my whole attitude changed. And wouldn't you know that the instant I woke up and felt cleansed of any real feelings for him that he called me. Not once or even twice...but 3 times, and he was oh so sweet to me, and it didn't matter.

Yea, so even though I did have him come over last night and we...ahem, well you know...there was no emotional attachment for me. And he was definately put off by my change of heart, though I never said it to him, he just knew, and lo and behold he was more attentive to me then he ever has been. I woke him up at the butt crack of dawn and sent his ass packing and even though he kissed and hugged me before leaving (which by the way, he NEVER has done) I still feel like I don't need him. So, he will be my tool...my boy toy. I will use him and send him on home and not give any more thought to him. Sex is just sex after all.

I have not heard from the eye doc, which doesn't upset me because I think it was unprofessional of him anyway to call me from his records without asking me...And I have no interest in the chiro at all. So I am not bound by anyone emotionally and it feels fuckin great!
slowly but surely I am settling into this new life.

Last night while Abrian was here I got a text from a number that sounded familiar to me but I was unsure who it was. It read "Hey! What are you doing tonight?"

After I replied back with a hello of my own and a "Not much just chillin at home" I realized who it was. This guy Chris that I met at the bar when I went like 3 weeks ago. He was interested in renting the room in my house and we had sorta also made plans to chill but then he didn't call me...So I deleted his number from my phone and didn't give him another thought. And then here he is asking to hang out. He asked me "Are you alone? want me to come over?"

Now if I remember correctly, this guy was HOT! And hell yea I wanted him to come over, but Abrian was here. So I told him that it wasn't a good night but that I'd like to see him tomorrow. He was like "ok" And then I texed him again asking him if he was gonna flake out on me again and he promised me he wouldn't, so we shall see if he calls today. Trust me that I'll keep you filled in!

...The next day. So yea Chris kinda flaked on me again. I texted him around 9 last night asking him what he was doing for the night. He said "I'm in phx" I was kinda pissed cause I had a feeling he was going to flake out on me, but instead of letting him know I was pissed, I texted him back with a "Too bad..." He texted me back with a smiley face. I know he's going to call me if not tonight then within the next few days.

Ok folks. Things seem to be looking up for me, let's all cross out fingers and hope that the bottom doesn't decide to fall out again, eh?

One of the weirdest days of my life...

Well, I really could say that this whole week has been odd, but yesterday definitely takes the cake as being the most bazaar. It started with me rolling out of bed and throwing my hair into a ponytail and tossing a ratty old tee shirt and jeans. I had a 7:45 appointment at the chiropractor to get a 1 hr massage. So I am getting this full body massage and I feel like I am in heaven and though the therapist is beating me to a pulp, it felt really good, she was getting all the deep down shit.

So I leave the chiro. All mushy and relaxed and, mind you, lookin like crap. No makeup, my ponytail is now all messed up and still a cruddy tee and jeans. I was headed to my next doctor appointment with Dr. Mahanti the LASIK doctor. It was an appointment that I had already missed twice before, so I was really excited to find out if I am a candidate. I arrived early and sat in my car in front of the building for about 10 minutes. As I am sitting there, this pimped out BMW pulls up and I think that he must be Dr. Mahanti. I can't take my eyes off his car, it's beautiful. I picture myself sittin behind the wheel and driving as fast as it can go...God how I would love to drive it! (I am fairly certain this is the car he was driving...Looked like 100 G's easily)

So I go and check in. The nurse shows me a cheezy movie about the surgery and I am laughing almost the whole time cause it is so silly. The doc came and called me to his room a few minutes later. As he was looking at my eyes, I was staring into his and thought "Wow, he has amazing eyes". He proceeded to dilate my eyes, which if you have ever had this done before, you know it sucks. I almost instantly became disoriented. While I sat in his chair and he ran his tests, mentioned that I liked his car. We talked about it for a few minutes and he told me that indeed it is FAST.

At the end of the evaluation, he said that I would have to go to Flagstaff for 2 more tests but that I look like a candidate. I was supposed to pay his secretary for the eval, $100 big ones, but I was so screwed up (felt a touch of vertigo) that I walked out of there without paying.

The drive home was horrendous. It was so bright out and the sun was glaring off the cars in the oncoming lane and I thought for sure that I was going to kill myself, but made it safely home 10 minutes later. All I could think to do at this point was lay down and close my eyes. I fell asleep and awoke about an hour later to the phone ringing. I answered it and who is it? Dr. Mahanti.

Immediately I assumed that he was calling to asked me to pay for the appointment.

He said "Hi I was wondering if you were surviving the dilation?"

I said "Heh, well I am certainly trying!"

"I was curious about how you run your business and stuff and I was wondering if I could come over and bring some lunch and you could show me?"

(in my head) "OMG! OMG! OMG!....To him "Oh sure that sounds good!"

I gave him directions and proceeded to run about my house like a lunatic as fast as my dilated eyes would allow. You see I had Abrian over the night before and he and I drank a whole case of beer and had left bottles all over the house. There was lime juice all over the countertops and dishes stacked in the sink. The rugs needed to be vacuumed...You get the idea. I knew I only had about 10 minutes before he got there and though I really looked like hell and wanted to get in the shower, I absolutely had to get the house in order, I mean he's a doctor for chrissake!

So he pulls up to my house in his hot car with lunch in his hands. We sat down and ate. Had some general conversation, a bit about Mike and how we ended up in Arizona, and the divorce, and about my business, and finally we talked for a hot minute about the surgery and he assured me that I would be just fine.

When he was finished eating he scraped his plate and put his dish in the dishwasher. He began kinda walking in circles kinda nodding saying "Yea this is nice...nice place..." He went to the counter where I had some mail and he picks up one of the catalogs that was sitting there..."Oh, and I see you have your Victoria's Secret catalog..." Still nodding...

So about 5 minutes later he said that he ought to get going. I thanked him for lunch and the company, he thanked me and said he was glad that he came and met me, he called me an "Interesting person" and left. He didn't say anything about calling me again, or anything. He didn't try to make a move while he was here, he didn't seem to do anything, though he made a lot of eye contact.

So, yea it was really weird. Even weirder is that he is the second doctor that has shown interest in me this week. Just Monday my chiro had asked me if I would like to go out and catch some dinner sometime, to which I replied yes.

Now both of these docs have money and seem really nice and mature and are both quite handsome, yet for some stupid reason, I feel like I am doing something wrong because of Abrian.
What is it with this kid? Here I have mature men hitting on me and I have a thing for a 20 year old boy, who sleeps with me and then doesn't call me all week until he wants to get laid again. And I buy it hook, line and sinker. Argh! *sigh* Ah, but the sex is sooo good!

I know for certain that I am only going to put up with this crap for so much longer before I get rid of his ass. I have just been so lonely that at this point I'll take any sort of attention. Isn't that sad? Humph. But, I am strong and shall persevere throughout this and any other crap life decides to throw my way.

"I am the roughest, roughest, roughest. I am the toughest, toughest, toughest"

Hell yea. So in response to Nick's most recent comment about not divulging the details of "said night" it is because I am waaaay to embarassed to tell all of you how I am allowing myself to be treated, and feel I have already given too much info.

(during spell check, I had misspelled dilate and the first suggestion the spell checker offered was dildo...what are you trying to say here spell checker?)

Have a lovley day fellow earthlings. peace out.