So, it has come to this...

Just as I predicted, Abrian called me and said he needs space and time to think. Perhaps for only a short time, and perhaps not. I really don't know. As upsetting as it is to me I also understand because I have been where he is, except for the having a kid part. I understand that it makes things way more complicated.

I think I should clarify, for those of you who do not know the entire situation, why it is that I am seeing a married man. See, he and his wife have been separated for a few months and are going through a divorce, same as me and Mike. She left him 3 weeks prior to me leaving. So it is not as devilish as it may have at first seemed, though technically, yes we are both still married to other people.

If I could fast forward in time to see what the future has in store for me, I totally would. I feel at stalemate right now, like everything needs so much effort. And I haven't got the energy, mentally or physically to deal with it. I feel like I could lay down and sleep forever, or at least until these hard times have passed.

The gods mush hold me in high regard as they sent the rain I asked for. Living in a state of eternal sunshine when all you want is rain to match your mood is maddening. It only helps to facilitate the feeling that life is wasting away. I don't feel guilty sleeping when it is cold and raining though. So my plans for today include no more than a nap, dinner, and then bed for the evening. I am already worn out from expressing myself here. *SIGH*

I think deep down I know that eventually things will get better, but I don't want to wait. I want to skip this part, move onto the next exciting thing in my life. Ugh. And I do miss him, and it hasn't even been a whole day. I guess just knowing that I really shouldn't call him is what does it. I hope he figures it all out and it goes in my favor. Is that horrible? That I don't want him to get back with his wife? Meh...I dunno.