What a tangled web we weave

*Sigh* I really don't even know where to begin. Things have just gotten so out of hand and I feel horrible because I feel like the cause of it all. I think I should start off by saying that those of you who I IM know how I really feel about Abrian, despite some of my stupid remarks that I have made here. He has been my friend and confidant and my lover as well. It seems that the only time I smile is when he is here with me. And I guess a huge part of the reason that I say such disgusting things about him is for 2 major reasons. 1. I was in the dark about the status of him and his wife's standings and their entire situation. I guess I was afraid to bring it up because I didn't want to upset him. It seemed a touchy topic and I think we had a silent agreement to simply enjoy what little time we have together, which up till this point we have done. The 2nd reason is that I have been selfish in not understanding what he was trying to tell me and only thinking about myself. I want what I want when I want it, bottom line. I guess when it comes to matters of the heart thought it doesn't work quite that way.

Monday Abrian had come over and there was a static electricity in the air. Something felt different and it was a really good different. That night I learned that sex is not just sex, though honestly it was always more than that to me anyway. We connected on an amazing level and didn't just have sex, but as corny as it may sound to you cynics out there (ahem, I am referring to myself mainly here) we made love. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before and it literally blew my mind away. And just like that (snap of fingers) things changed. I can't say that I really know what made them change (ok, I can but chose not to...Some things are meant never to be told) but in an instant, right before my very eyes we were different. And there was this tension we never had before. And tonight I think I fully understand it all and I feel horrible about it because it is all my fault.

In me being selfish and demanding of him, it has put a strain on the relationship with him and his wife. I would probably not care if not for the fact that they have a child, but I can't possibly come between him and his family. And whatever the outcome is, if they get back together or not, I think he needs to sort that all out without having to think about me too and my wants and needs. I really don't want to have to let him go, but I think at this point it is the best. And if even a week from now and he feels like shit is sorted...Well good. But in reality things are so much mre complicated than that. I really just want him to be happy, whatever that is. I have to put my selfish thoughts to the side and be strong and let him loose. Or perhaps if I didn't down the line he might come to resent me and feel like I forced him into this, which quite honestly up till this point I guess I was.

Lord knows that I miss him already.

And in more depressing news, Thanksgiving is going to be a bust this year. I have no plans and no family to spend it with. I thought it wouldn't matter, but as the date gets nearer and nearer I am dreading it...I do not know if I can honestly handle any more sad feelings. As of lately I have spent my time either working or sleeping. I recognize this as signs of depression and I also know that getting out would be good for me, yet I simply can not bring myself to leave the house other than for necessities, and even then I find myself longing for my jammies an bed. I do not feel fit for company other than Abrian and that thought just makes me even sadder because of what I think we must do, even if it is just for a short time. *sigh*

I think you all should know that I have actually begun to like my roommate and think he's an aight dude. He's growing on me and he almost feels like a brother. He's a real good listener. And all of you are too for that matter. So there. You wanted the truth? You can't handle the truth...Or can you?