Long sleepless nights

Yea, so things have been ok. Only ok because I have been having a hard time sleeping. This past week I have really been concentrating on thinking more about me...Who is Jenelle, and what does she like to do? It is also a tactic to help my mind not think about the Abrian situation. I still miss him a lot, but during the day when I am busy I feel alright. He's still in the back of my mind, but I don't feel melancholy.

Every night for the past 3 nights in a row, I have sat down and watched t.v. and every night I have passed out on the couch by around 11 because I am exhausted. And every night I wake up in a zombie foggy haze and go stumbling into my room around 12 or so. And also every night I lay down in my bed and am about to slip back into glorious slumber when suddenly, my eyes snap open and almost instantly I feel wide awake. My mind starts racing a million miles an hour, and the only thing I am thinking about is Abrian. I am wondering if he misses me, or if he and his wife are patching things up. Does he even think about me? Does he know how tortured I have felt this past week? .....And on and on and on....

These questions and a BAZILLION others race through my mind at the speed of Mach ten. I can't turn my brain off, and I am beginning to think that by repressing my thought during the day is causing this night time interruption. My brain is insistent that I suffer. There is an evil person operating the mechanics, of this I am convinced.

So where do I go from here? I am as confused as, if not more than I was when this whole thing started. Should I call? Or should I....Honestly I can't even offer myself any options that I like. What would be my ideal situation? Well, ideally he would call me and tell me that he misses me and that he would like to come and see me. We would hang out and have fun and I would be happy.

In other news, I spoke with my mom last night and she has booked my ticket to fly to NY! I will be leaving Arizona on Dec. 20th and coming back home on the 29th. They really wanted me to stay longer, but I honestly can not afford to not work for any longer than that. I am super stoked because I haven't spent a real Christmas with my family in 8 years...Since I met Mike.

Also I went yesterday and got the final 2 tests necessary to be declared a candidate for LASIK surgery. Everything looks good. I asked her if I could have it done before I go to NY so that I can show off my "new face" to go along with my "new body" (I have lost 20 lbs since I last saw everyone) and once the surgery is done I have a really great "new haircut" to complete the transformation. The date for the surgery is tentatively set for December 5th. I will find out on Monday for sure though. I never expected to have it done so soon...Both exciting and scary at the same time.

So along with my stress over Abrian and trying to imagine what he could possibly be thinking, I have all this other stuff, which is the reason that I can't sleep, though mainly I attribute it all to Abrian.

God...Why do I miss him so much?????