I don't even know what to say...

I awoke at 1:30 this morning alone with a smile playing at my lips. What was it I was dreaming about that caused this unnatural movement of my muscles? I wondered to myself.

The damn thing of it all is nothing. I awoke with a sense of freedom and hope. Don't think I'm crazy now, I mean I have been spouting that I have been in the deepest throes of eternal sadness, with no end in sight and here I am, actually smiling, especially after this newest development with Abrian. But I don't know. I actually feel good...

My roommate finally got home today, I had been waiting all day for his return. He has quickly become my confidante...My best friend. I can tell him anything, and he listens and offers his opinions...I feel so blessed to have met him and to now have him as my room mate. Honestly, he is the greatest roomie in all the land. So we sat outside and I told him what had transpired in the Abrian Chronicles the night before. I bawled my eyes out and he listened wholeheartedly, as always. It almost seemed as if I saw a flash of anger in his eyes when I told him how cold our last encounter went.

He told me the things everyone has said thus far.."You are better off..." And "You deserve better..." But he also offered me his opinions based on his observations of time Abrian and I spent together. And apparently, he really always thought that I was getting played. He always hinted that he might not have thought that he was good for me, but I never thought that he might have actually had opinions on the subject.

We sat around tonight and watched a movie and I don't know...Abrian began to slip from my mind, for the first time in a loooong time. It felt good to enjoy the moment. I went to bed and immediately zonked out, once again, Abrian didn't cross my mind.

When I awoke earlier, smiling, I wondered what I was smiling about...As I sit here, I realize that I actually am beginning to see the relationship with Abrian clearly for what it was, and that I am elated that it is over. Not to say that the sadness won't come creeping back in though, but it feels good to have this momentary clarity and that I finally am allowing a reprieve from the eternal sadness that I have been subjecting myself to.

*SIGH* Well I have New York to look forward to...I leave on Tuesday...It should be exciting. I spoke to my brother last night and it was really good to hear from him. I haven't spoke to him in over a year...A conversation in which we argued about some stupid shit and then wouldn't speak to each other. Before the argument, we hadn't talked in almost 2 years. As children we were so damn close. I would go far enough to call him my best friend as kids. Somewhere along the line, with the separation of my family, we lost each other. Our friendship became a competition...For what, I'll never know.

I am really looking forward to opening the lines of communication after being effectively estranged from him for almost 10 years...I hope we can slowly rebuild our friendship again. I really do miss him. My mom got all teary eyed that we were speaking again...It was all really sweet. It just seems amazing to me that after all the horror of my childhood that my family is finally healing. It used to be me, my mom and my brother against the world. Somehow we all lost each other. I never thought that we would end up where we are. We all have evolved from emotional wrecks into something I never thought possible.

Perhaps this is the start of a whole new and exciting chapter...Perhaps I will be able to draw strength from my united family...I am really excited about the possibilities...