The ceaseless flow of time has slowed down to a crawl

It has been 6 and 1/2 hours since he left my house, yet it feels already like an eternity.

I woke him up and listened to him get ready for the last time, while I stared at the ceiling. He collected his things, even asked me about a shirt that he had left awhile back. Walked to the front door, opened it and said "Goodbye..." A second later he realized that he had left his glasses. I calmly walked to my room with him in tow, to retrieve them. I handed him his glasses, he placed them on his face, turned away from me and began to leave the room. I called to him in a somewhat amused tone, trying desperately to cling to my sanity and strength and not cry (I hate goodbyes) "You aren't even going to give me a hug? Damn, that's cold..."

He spun around, almost angry and spat out "I haven't walked out the door yet, have I?" I let it slip by that, had he not left his glasses he would have been out the door without a second thought. He reached out and wrapped his arms around me, but there was no warmth there. He held me close and tight for about 20 seconds and ran his hands down my back. Without another word, he turned away from me and walked out the door, and my life.

I called out, almost desperate to hear him speak to me one last time, "Bye!" Though the word caught in my throat and barely escaped, he heard me and replied sullenly, almost grudgingly, and certainly curt "Bye."

As the tears began flowing, I raced to the window to watch him pull out of the driveway, waving and smiling, trying to let him remember me smiling. He never even looked up.

I wonder, is he as sad as I am? Is he even sad at all? Did I give him the out he had been waiting for for some time now? Is he really glad that things turned out this way?

I guess ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks. I did what I did because I deserve more than what he was willing to give me. I deserve to be with someone who cherishes me and loves me and wants to hold me. I deserve to be first priority, not second fiddle, not have a hidden and secret relationship. I deserve to shout to the world who I am with, not to hide it away like a dirty little secret. I deserve all of these things and so much more.

If he is so wrong for me, why did I think he was so right? How was it possible that he felt nothing for me? Why did I allow this to go on for so long?

These questions and others are swirling around my head right now. I am sad, but also glad. I am glad that I finally stood up for myself and demanded respect, from both him and myself. It is something that for too long, I have disregarded.

I am hoping that now that I am truly single, and alone, that I will learn to harness that strength, and use it every day. I want to be happy again. I don't want to feel this "nothing" that I have been feeling.

Though I feel relieved I am also feeling a great sense of loss. I really liked him. It all just seems so tragic to me. If I had the chance to do it over again, would I? The answer for me is simple. ABSOLUTELY. Are there things that I would have done differently? That one is much more complicated. If I knew what to differently to achieve a different outcome, then yes, I probably would have done things different. But as I go through our time together, I do not know where I would have diverted the path.

I just know that already I miss him, and I need to not feel that way. He didn't care about me. As I lay in bed last night, after we slept together and I began sobbing, he never even tried to comfort me. In my mind, you have to be pretty callous to not hold someone who is that vulnerable. These are the things that I have to keep reminding myself about.

But still...We had so much fun. And the sex was always mind blowing...