Soooo Cold!

So here I am in New York, and it is friggin cold. It has been nice to see my mom and brother, we have been getting along really good.

I have been thinking alot about Abrian...I really miss him. Sigh. Is that really such a bad thing? I don't think so. Of course you all might have different opinions, but I think it would be wrong if I didn't miss him at all. He was such a good part of my life these past few months and for me to just not feel a sense of loss would not be right. I wish things would have turned out differently. I wish we could have been together...

Christmas is in a few days and It finally feels Christmas-y. Arizona just doesn't feel Christmas-y because of the weather, so it's real nice to feel the spirit. The traffic here is HORRENDOUS! I had somehow forgotten just how many people live here!

My flights were good and smooth, and I met alot of really nice people. I stared out the window as we were flying into Philly where my layover was and was mesmerized by the lights twinkling below. The patterns were amazing and reminded me of delicate lace weaved out of a million miniature lights.

I miss my "kids". Jeanne is watching the dogs and TJ is watching the cats. Jeane said that Curtis was a little depressed the first night without me. That thought makes me feel sad, but I know that soon enough he will be home again with his mom, all snugled up in bed =)...I can't wait!

Already I miss home...NY is NOT my home. I feel like a stranger among the hostile traffic and smog and bitter biting wind. Arizona is the only place I can truly call home. I have not a single friend here in NY that I would want to see, and this only leaves family. While I love 'em, there's only so much that I can take...

So, Merry Christmas to you all! And I will see you in the new year...

I don't even know what to say...

I awoke at 1:30 this morning alone with a smile playing at my lips. What was it I was dreaming about that caused this unnatural movement of my muscles? I wondered to myself.

The damn thing of it all is nothing. I awoke with a sense of freedom and hope. Don't think I'm crazy now, I mean I have been spouting that I have been in the deepest throes of eternal sadness, with no end in sight and here I am, actually smiling, especially after this newest development with Abrian. But I don't know. I actually feel good...

My roommate finally got home today, I had been waiting all day for his return. He has quickly become my confidante...My best friend. I can tell him anything, and he listens and offers his opinions...I feel so blessed to have met him and to now have him as my room mate. Honestly, he is the greatest roomie in all the land. So we sat outside and I told him what had transpired in the Abrian Chronicles the night before. I bawled my eyes out and he listened wholeheartedly, as always. It almost seemed as if I saw a flash of anger in his eyes when I told him how cold our last encounter went.

He told me the things everyone has said thus far.."You are better off..." And "You deserve better..." But he also offered me his opinions based on his observations of time Abrian and I spent together. And apparently, he really always thought that I was getting played. He always hinted that he might not have thought that he was good for me, but I never thought that he might have actually had opinions on the subject.

We sat around tonight and watched a movie and I don't know...Abrian began to slip from my mind, for the first time in a loooong time. It felt good to enjoy the moment. I went to bed and immediately zonked out, once again, Abrian didn't cross my mind.

When I awoke earlier, smiling, I wondered what I was smiling about...As I sit here, I realize that I actually am beginning to see the relationship with Abrian clearly for what it was, and that I am elated that it is over. Not to say that the sadness won't come creeping back in though, but it feels good to have this momentary clarity and that I finally am allowing a reprieve from the eternal sadness that I have been subjecting myself to.

*SIGH* Well I have New York to look forward to...I leave on Tuesday...It should be exciting. I spoke to my brother last night and it was really good to hear from him. I haven't spoke to him in over a year...A conversation in which we argued about some stupid shit and then wouldn't speak to each other. Before the argument, we hadn't talked in almost 2 years. As children we were so damn close. I would go far enough to call him my best friend as kids. Somewhere along the line, with the separation of my family, we lost each other. Our friendship became a competition...For what, I'll never know.

I am really looking forward to opening the lines of communication after being effectively estranged from him for almost 10 years...I hope we can slowly rebuild our friendship again. I really do miss him. My mom got all teary eyed that we were speaking again...It was all really sweet. It just seems amazing to me that after all the horror of my childhood that my family is finally healing. It used to be me, my mom and my brother against the world. Somehow we all lost each other. I never thought that we would end up where we are. We all have evolved from emotional wrecks into something I never thought possible.

Perhaps this is the start of a whole new and exciting chapter...Perhaps I will be able to draw strength from my united family...I am really excited about the possibilities...

The ceaseless flow of time has slowed down to a crawl

It has been 6 and 1/2 hours since he left my house, yet it feels already like an eternity.

I woke him up and listened to him get ready for the last time, while I stared at the ceiling. He collected his things, even asked me about a shirt that he had left awhile back. Walked to the front door, opened it and said "Goodbye..." A second later he realized that he had left his glasses. I calmly walked to my room with him in tow, to retrieve them. I handed him his glasses, he placed them on his face, turned away from me and began to leave the room. I called to him in a somewhat amused tone, trying desperately to cling to my sanity and strength and not cry (I hate goodbyes) "You aren't even going to give me a hug? Damn, that's cold..."

He spun around, almost angry and spat out "I haven't walked out the door yet, have I?" I let it slip by that, had he not left his glasses he would have been out the door without a second thought. He reached out and wrapped his arms around me, but there was no warmth there. He held me close and tight for about 20 seconds and ran his hands down my back. Without another word, he turned away from me and walked out the door, and my life.

I called out, almost desperate to hear him speak to me one last time, "Bye!" Though the word caught in my throat and barely escaped, he heard me and replied sullenly, almost grudgingly, and certainly curt "Bye."

As the tears began flowing, I raced to the window to watch him pull out of the driveway, waving and smiling, trying to let him remember me smiling. He never even looked up.

I wonder, is he as sad as I am? Is he even sad at all? Did I give him the out he had been waiting for for some time now? Is he really glad that things turned out this way?

I guess ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks. I did what I did because I deserve more than what he was willing to give me. I deserve to be with someone who cherishes me and loves me and wants to hold me. I deserve to be first priority, not second fiddle, not have a hidden and secret relationship. I deserve to shout to the world who I am with, not to hide it away like a dirty little secret. I deserve all of these things and so much more.

If he is so wrong for me, why did I think he was so right? How was it possible that he felt nothing for me? Why did I allow this to go on for so long?

These questions and others are swirling around my head right now. I am sad, but also glad. I am glad that I finally stood up for myself and demanded respect, from both him and myself. It is something that for too long, I have disregarded.

I am hoping that now that I am truly single, and alone, that I will learn to harness that strength, and use it every day. I want to be happy again. I don't want to feel this "nothing" that I have been feeling.

Though I feel relieved I am also feeling a great sense of loss. I really liked him. It all just seems so tragic to me. If I had the chance to do it over again, would I? The answer for me is simple. ABSOLUTELY. Are there things that I would have done differently? That one is much more complicated. If I knew what to differently to achieve a different outcome, then yes, I probably would have done things different. But as I go through our time together, I do not know where I would have diverted the path.

I just know that already I miss him, and I need to not feel that way. He didn't care about me. As I lay in bed last night, after we slept together and I began sobbing, he never even tried to comfort me. In my mind, you have to be pretty callous to not hold someone who is that vulnerable. These are the things that I have to keep reminding myself about.

But still...We had so much fun. And the sex was always mind blowing...