WTF?!

So he turned out to be an idiot...When will I ever learn to trust my instincts? Meh, maybe sometime before I die.

I wonder...

Why wouldn't I want myself to be happy? Lately I have been prestnted with a glorious gift, A man who is everything that I have said that I wanted in a man. He's handsome, friendly, sweet, thoughtful....Damn the list just goes on! But there is something that I can not quite put my finger on...And honestly I truly believe that it has absolutely nothing to do with him. It's me. I dunno. What a tangled web we weave indeed...!

New outlook

When Mike and I decided to divorce, he told me that we were both about to embark on an incredible journey. I didn't believe him, especially in those first few months where I was so fucked up. Here I am, a year later. I feel a great sense of inner peace and comfort. I have faith that I not only will be alright in the future, but that I am actually great now.

It's such an amazing thing how one day you just wake up from the daze and realize how great life is. If I read back through the past year and 1/2 or so, I am intrigued at how deep my sadness was and how it has all turned around. Life has been quiet around here, not necessarily a bad thing though. It has given me time to reflect and appreciate how lucky I am. I have regained my own sense of who I am and feel rejuvinated. Like I'm alive...It's unbelievable to me how long I lingered in self pity and sorrow, for seemingly no reason. But here I am! Happy and loving life and myself. I never thought I would hear these words from my own mouth, and somehow....It's so fantastic!

I read all about how twisted A. had me, and how screwed I felt by Mike, and those things don't even barely elicit minute thought from me! I never imagined it at the time that I would ever feel anything but eternal sadness. I truly feel happy, isn't that a great thing? I wish it on the whole world...

One minute to the next, it's ever changing....

I am such an idiot. Last night after I got the text from Terry saying he was sorry and that he had to cancel this weekend, I sulked for about 1/2 an hour. I then sent him a text saying "you're kidding, right?" I realize that this was kinda bitchy and a bit outta line. He sent a message back saying "no, I wish I was..." I tried to call him then and he didn't answer his phone. 5 minutes later he sent another message telling me that he was still at work and couldn't talk...He never called me back. Truly though I don't blame him, he probably thought that I was going to yell at him or make him feel bad...*sigh*

Hopefully he calls today. If not, he's out-skys...My new phrase for people in general who mad-dog me is "You're not worthy of my attentions". It helps me to eliminate those who make me feel bad, cause truly, I am a spectacular person and deserve to be around people who know this and appreciate me instead of take advantage of my kind heart. I know that because of my kindness and niceness that I need to be a little kind to myself and not allow the emotional vampires to suck my life and vitality away. The changes that need to take place in my life need to come from within. I am the only one that can change my outlook and I am the only one that is going to protect me. Lesson learned...Or at least in the process of learning...lol!

Well, I don't know what else to do. Moving sounds like a great idea to me. Phoenix is looking pretty tempting to me lately. I can find work and cheap appartments...Lots of people and hopefully lots of real men to choose from! Also I hope to find myself there...Who knows what will become of me...????

What started off as happy thoughts turned into bitterness and sadness...

So my buddy Terry from Phoenix...Yeah. I am going down there this Saturday. It will be the first time that we are hanging out since we were "together". He called me and asked me what I was doing for my birthday weekend (HE REMEMBERED!!!) and asked me if I wanted to chill out with him. He said probably 10 times that he really wants to see me. It is so nice to be wanted. Those other 2 boys are just that...BOYS. They simply are too immature to realize the gem I am, and that's ok. I don't dig little boys. LOL. Or at least not anymore, it's my latest realization.

I am truly having a hard time believing that it has been a year since Mike and I decided to split up. What a fucking whirlwind!!! Alot of bad shit has gone down, but alot of mature realizations have come from it all. I always was the type that I need to learn shit the hard way. I'm a stubborn, foolish girl! I guess it's because I feel proud to say that I learned everything on my own. It's a defect of mine, I realize this, yet I am too stubborn...

Ok...Here it is an hour later, ( I am at work so I keep getting interrupted...GRRRRR) and I got a text from Terry...He has to cancel for this weekend. Apparently he has to work the entire weekend. I am so upset I want to cry. I haven't had a weekend off in weeks and have been planning to keep this one off hoping to do something really great for my birthday. I am tired of being dissapointed but I guess that's life, as Dino would say anyway...*SIGH* So much for a romantic, cuddly weekend with a very sweet and caring guy. BLEH!!!!

So, here I am stuck in this shithole of a town. I miss my family. There's nothing fun to do, nowhere to go. I feel like I want to fucking scream and scream and scream. Maybe it would help. I am working so much that I feel like I want to pass out. Something has gotta give. Some change needs to happen. Life has got to give me a fucking break eventually, right? I mean things can't possibly keep sucking foever....Or can they?

I always thought I had a great outlook on life, but recently I haven't had the heart. There's only so many times that you get dissappointed before you begin to get bitter. I don't want to be bitter forever. I truly fear though that I will become a angry, lonely, old, insane cat lady...That's a scary thought but completely possible. How dreary. There seems no end to the blah-ness.

My very first tattoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I finally did it!! Bit the bullet and got a tattoo...!!! I initially went in to get something small...I was thinking of a butterfly. But then I saw a picture of a woman with a cherry tree in bloom on her back and thought...Holy hell! That's spectacular!!!! My tattoo artist Dan and I began looking through japanese watercolor paintings and together we came up with this design. I love it sooooo much because it is so damn unique. I just got it Saturday night so it hasn't healed yet. In about 2 weeks I will post another picture when it has because the colors will be different. The final product will be phenominal!!!

An update...

I have recently had trouble getting online, thus the lack of posts...

Life has been ok recently. Things have spiced up to say the least. You may or may not remember Brandon. Well...Things are beginning to go the way that I have wanted them to for awhile. He has been paying me attention...Lol...Geeze I'm so fucking pathetic! Yeah...He is so hot.

Then there is my friend from Phoenix, Terry...We have had this intense emotional connection for a long time. When we first met up here in Sedona he had a girlfriend. He made it clear to me that while he never would cheat on her, things were rocky. We never fooled around or anything but he came up with his buddy many times and partied and crashed at my place. I went down to see them for the first time last saturday and had a blast. It had been almost 6 months since we had all hung out, with phone conversations being our only connection. He told me a few days before I went out there that he and his chick split about 5 months ago...Well....Needless to say I am sure, we slept together. It was pretty intense. I might go down to see him again this weekend, but I won't know until later today.

Then there is that guy who came over my house a few weeks ago to watch a movie. For some reason I really like this one and I can't quite put my finger on it. This past friday night we hung out again, he asked me back to his house. It was real late and we were both exhausted so we laid down and watched Sin City. We were all cuddly...He's so damn adorable. I had gotten a ride from him and it was so late that he asked me if I just wanted to stay. I told him that I had to be home by 8 am. He didn't have a problem with that. I slept with him in his bed and snuggled with him the rest of the night. We did make out, but that was the extent of it. Maybe thats why I like him so damn much, because he wasn't handsy with me. Sigh....So many boys, so little time...Roflmao...

Otherwise, not much else has been going on. Business is slow and I had to take a second job at which I work almost 40 hours a week. I am working myself to death, but fuck it right? At least the bills are getting paid.