Third post today...

I have been a slave to the internet as of lately. Gawd! 3rd posting for the day...If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm kinda kooky. Hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Well it has been an interesting night, to say the least. Mike came home in a pissy mood because work is slowing down. He had to lay an employee off last week, and it's not looking so good for his 2 remaining full time guys. He was unable to take a paycheck last week so he could pay his guys and so he worries. And how does he vent his troubled brain, you may ask yourself...Ah, I shall tell you. He vents on me. Tries to make me feel as bad as he does...To make me feel his emotional pain. The thing is, that I see right through him. I know his motivation, and it just makes me wanna scream. I have NEVER taken my frustration out on him, or anyone else for that matter. *sigh* No use talking about it anyway, sometimes talking brings up all the bad things that are best left "forgotten".

I was asked a question earlier today, and did not have time to answer it. The question was whether a zebra is black with white stripes, or white with black stripes. I think it is the latter; white with black stripes. What do y'all think?

Jeanne called me today, she'll be home sometime in the first week of October. I can hardly wait. I won't be forced to sit in front of the tv every night with Mike, rotting away like the rest of America. When she is here, I go to her house and hang out till late. We mostly just bull she*t about nothing, but it sure beats the hell outta watchin tv. I don't know. I guess I'm going through a real rough patch here. Same old crap though, no need to keep babbling on about it. Does me no flippin good. I'm really hoping that my 25th year will be a better year that the last. I am a stronger person now, I should be able to make it work. The plastic smile only holds for so long before it begins to crack...CMHL knows all about plastic smiles...hell, I am sure all of you do. I'm hoping brighter days come soon. I don't want the world to see me not smiling. I don't think I would be able to handle not seeing myself smile. I constantly have this internal dialogue...a tape that plays the same thing over and over and over. "Smile. Keep your head up. Tomorrow is another day. Don't let the bad things get you down. It's not that bad. Ignore it and it will go away. Smile. Smile. Smile...." Honestly, I just wanna smash that fucking recorder till it can't play anymore...Except I can't.

I had a serious breakdown this past Saturday. I had written all about it but then something happened with my internet connection while I was saving it and all of the words were lost. Mike and I were arguing about something. He was getting on my case about everything from the way I fold the damn laundry to the way I wash the floor. This thing I don't do enough of. That thing is always bothering him...blah blah blah. He was also getting on my case about leaving my sewing machine on the kitchen table. I leave it out because if I put it away, I won't pull it out for another 2 moths or so. He knows that. So anyway,he started with me and then said that he didn't want to spend another minute with me...So he walked out of the house, leaving a huge mess in the kitchen behind him.

After he was gone, I began cleaning up. Putting dishes in the machine, when all of a sudden a huge burst of rage came from within. I began tossing dishes into the sink, not satisfied until they were all broken. Then I began smashing the dishwasher door open and closed, hoping it would fall off it's hinges. Never before had I been so angry before...EVER. It was scary and liberating all at the same time. I couldn't turn it off though. I was so mad and hurt by Mike's words, that I began hitting myself in the head with clenched fists. Why I did this, I do not know, but it certainly sobered me a bit.

These past few days I have felt subdued and shallow, like I had screamed all of my motivation right out of me. But tonight, I feel that rage, bubbling, just begging to be let out. I kinda like it, this new part of me. I am afraid though that if he pisses me off with his snide remarks and looks and all of his digs, that I just might haul off and attempt to kick his ass...And that would not be a good thing cause then we would be right back where we used to be. A place neither of us really wants to go. Only now, I have the strength emotionally to fight back.

Just staring at the blinking cursor...Wishing I had not just written that, but also chicken shit to erase it. I think it's time to just let all of it go, and if I can't do it in my own journal, then where can I release this? You don't have to read it. Just check the little box at the top corner. I can't just check out quite as easily, unfortunately. It's a lot harder than that. He's been good since last month we had that talk, the one I wrote about on my last blog, but now that he's under stress we are back to square one. Two steps forward, one step back, eh?

Ah, such is life. I am really tired and am seriously over reacting at this point, but I sincerely feel like I want to kill someone. Is this normal? Aw hell, it'll all blow over by morning. Luckily, I have gumdrops and lollipops dancing in my head and this fucking recorder..."Smile..." Yea, it'll be alright. Thanks for listening.