My life

WTF?!

2006-11-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

So he turned out to be an idiot...When will I ever learn to trust my instincts? Meh, maybe sometime before I die.

I wonder...

2006-11-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

Why wouldn't I want myself to be happy? Lately I have been prestnted with a glorious gift, A man who is everything that I have said that I wanted in a man. He's handsome, friendly, sweet, thoughtful....Damn the list just goes on! But there is something that I can not quite put my finger on...And honestly I truly believe that it has absolutely nothing to do with him. It's me. I dunno. What a tangled web we weave indeed...!

New outlook

2006-10-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

When Mike and I decided to divorce, he told me that we were both about to embark on an incredible journey. I didn't believe him, especially in those first few months where I was so fucked up. Here I am, a year later. I feel a great sense of inner peace and comfort. I have faith that I not only will be alright in the future, but that I am actually great now.

It's such an amazing thing how one day you just wake up from the daze and realize how great life is. If I read back through the past year and 1/2 or so, I am intrigued at how deep my sadness was and how it has all turned around. Life has been quiet around here, not necessarily a bad thing though. It has given me time to reflect and appreciate how lucky I am. I have regained my own sense of who I am and feel rejuvinated. Like I'm alive...It's unbelievable to me how long I lingered in self pity and sorrow, for seemingly no reason. But here I am! Happy and loving life and myself. I never thought I would hear these words from my own mouth, and somehow....It's so fantastic!

I read all about how twisted A. had me, and how screwed I felt by Mike, and those things don't even barely elicit minute thought from me! I never imagined it at the time that I would ever feel anything but eternal sadness. I truly feel happy, isn't that a great thing? I wish it on the whole world...

One minute to the next, it's ever changing....

2006-09-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

I am such an idiot. Last night after I got the text from Terry saying he was sorry and that he had to cancel this weekend, I sulked for about 1/2 an hour. I then sent him a text saying "you're kidding, right?" I realize that this was kinda bitchy and a bit outta line. He sent a message back saying "no, I wish I was..." I tried to call him then and he didn't answer his phone. 5 minutes later he sent another message telling me that he was still at work and couldn't talk...He never called me back. Truly though I don't blame him, he probably thought that I was going to yell at him or make him feel bad...*sigh*

Hopefully he calls today. If not, he's out-skys...My new phrase for people in general who mad-dog me is "You're not worthy of my attentions". It helps me to eliminate those who make me feel bad, cause truly, I am a spectacular person and deserve to be around people who know this and appreciate me instead of take advantage of my kind heart. I know that because of my kindness and niceness that I need to be a little kind to myself and not allow the emotional vampires to suck my life and vitality away. The changes that need to take place in my life need to come from within. I am the only one that can change my outlook and I am the only one that is going to protect me. Lesson learned...Or at least in the process of learning...lol!

Well, I don't know what else to do. Moving sounds like a great idea to me. Phoenix is looking pretty tempting to me lately. I can find work and cheap appartments...Lots of people and hopefully lots of real men to choose from! Also I hope to find myself there...Who knows what will become of me...????

What started off as happy thoughts turned into bitterness and sadness...

2006-09-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

So my buddy Terry from Phoenix...Yeah. I am going down there this Saturday. It will be the first time that we are hanging out since we were "together". He called me and asked me what I was doing for my birthday weekend (HE REMEMBERED!!!) and asked me if I wanted to chill out with him. He said probably 10 times that he really wants to see me. It is so nice to be wanted. Those other 2 boys are just that...BOYS. They simply are too immature to realize the gem I am, and that's ok. I don't dig little boys. LOL. Or at least not anymore, it's my latest realization.

I am truly having a hard time believing that it has been a year since Mike and I decided to split up. What a fucking whirlwind!!! Alot of bad shit has gone down, but alot of mature realizations have come from it all. I always was the type that I need to learn shit the hard way. I'm a stubborn, foolish girl! I guess it's because I feel proud to say that I learned everything on my own. It's a defect of mine, I realize this, yet I am too stubborn...

Ok...Here it is an hour later, ( I am at work so I keep getting interrupted...GRRRRR) and I got a text from Terry...He has to cancel for this weekend. Apparently he has to work the entire weekend. I am so upset I want to cry. I haven't had a weekend off in weeks and have been planning to keep this one off hoping to do something really great for my birthday. I am tired of being dissapointed but I guess that's life, as Dino would say anyway...*SIGH* So much for a romantic, cuddly weekend with a very sweet and caring guy. BLEH!!!!

So, here I am stuck in this shithole of a town. I miss my family. There's nothing fun to do, nowhere to go. I feel like I want to fucking scream and scream and scream. Maybe it would help. I am working so much that I feel like I want to pass out. Something has gotta give. Some change needs to happen. Life has got to give me a fucking break eventually, right? I mean things can't possibly keep sucking foever....Or can they?

I always thought I had a great outlook on life, but recently I haven't had the heart. There's only so many times that you get dissappointed before you begin to get bitter. I don't want to be bitter forever. I truly fear though that I will become a angry, lonely, old, insane cat lady...That's a scary thought but completely possible. How dreary. There seems no end to the blah-ness.

My very first tattoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

So I finally did it!! Bit the bullet and got a tattoo...!!! I initially went in to get something small...I was thinking of a butterfly. But then I saw a picture of a woman with a cherry tree in bloom on her back and thought...Holy hell! That's spectacular!!!! My tattoo artist Dan and I began looking through japanese watercolor paintings and together we came up with this design. I love it sooooo much because it is so damn unique. I just got it Saturday night so it hasn't healed yet. In about 2 weeks I will post another picture when it has because the colors will be different. The final product will be phenominal!!!

An update...

2006-08-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have recently had trouble getting online, thus the lack of posts...

Life has been ok recently. Things have spiced up to say the least. You may or may not remember Brandon. Well...Things are beginning to go the way that I have wanted them to for awhile. He has been paying me attention...Lol...Geeze I'm so fucking pathetic! Yeah...He is so hot.

Then there is my friend from Phoenix, Terry...We have had this intense emotional connection for a long time. When we first met up here in Sedona he had a girlfriend. He made it clear to me that while he never would cheat on her, things were rocky. We never fooled around or anything but he came up with his buddy many times and partied and crashed at my place. I went down to see them for the first time last saturday and had a blast. It had been almost 6 months since we had all hung out, with phone conversations being our only connection. He told me a few days before I went out there that he and his chick split about 5 months ago...Well....Needless to say I am sure, we slept together. It was pretty intense. I might go down to see him again this weekend, but I won't know until later today.

Then there is that guy who came over my house a few weeks ago to watch a movie. For some reason I really like this one and I can't quite put my finger on it. This past friday night we hung out again, he asked me back to his house. It was real late and we were both exhausted so we laid down and watched Sin City. We were all cuddly...He's so damn adorable. I had gotten a ride from him and it was so late that he asked me if I just wanted to stay. I told him that I had to be home by 8 am. He didn't have a problem with that. I slept with him in his bed and snuggled with him the rest of the night. We did make out, but that was the extent of it. Maybe thats why I like him so damn much, because he wasn't handsy with me. Sigh....So many boys, so little time...Roflmao...

Otherwise, not much else has been going on. Business is slow and I had to take a second job at which I work almost 40 hours a week. I am working myself to death, but fuck it right? At least the bills are getting paid.

A lil help please?

2006-08-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am sorry about the confusion here lately..There was some hullabaloo surrounding the contents of this blog. Jaime found my blog and went a little crazy about my last post. I got nervous that she was going to show her friends and so I removed my archive and made all my posts for the last 8 months into drafts because I really didn't want to delete them, but as far as I know it's the only way to make them so nobody can see...

Jaime and I made up. I think she understood that I was feeling bad and a bit betrayed. Apparently there were also some things that I had said and done that made her feel betrayed by me as well. So, we are giving this another go and have promised to talk about the crap that's bothering eachother.

On the other hand, I had a date last night. The guy is a lil young...(ahem isn't that my M.O. anyway? Lol...) He is absolutely ADORABLE though and seems real sweet. He came over to my house last night and we watched Waiting..That movie is so great! I think it went ok, though we didn't kiss we did cuddle. I think that I might have scared him a bit just for the fact that I felt compelled to insist to him that if, in fact, we did hang out at my house that he know that I wasn't trying to sleep with him.. (I recently had someone over to chill out and when he was leaving he didn't look ok. We had been drinking and smoking. I offered him to crash on my couch if he needed to. He said he was ok, then he left. Now he has the impression that I was trying to sleep with him and he's telling EVERYBODY. When I tried to clear the air and assure him he had misunderstood my intentions he laughed and said "ok" in a clearly sarcastic manner...) So maybe he was nervous that I might freak out on him. Or perhaps he just decided he isn't really attracted to me. I do not know. He hugged me and told me to call him. Should I call, or should I wait for him to call me? If I should call him, when is it appropriate to do so?

HELP ME! It has been made very clear to me that when it comes to the "rules" of dating and friends that I am completely clueless...

He seemed very cuddly during the movie and everytime I got a lil snugglier, he would settle right in as if he were comfortable. Ugh. I suck at reading people. I do not know one way or the other...

Fun pics..

2006-08-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

Finally, some good news!

2006-01-17T13:12:00.000-08:00

Well, these past few months sure have thrown some shit my way, it's about damn time some good things are happening! To summarize quickly, February 11th I am going to be testing for the police department...Something I have always wanted to do. So to get in shape for the physical test I have hired a personal trainer and joined a gym.

I have met a really cool guy who lives around the corner from me and who seems like he's going to be an awesome friend. I was at his house last night hanging out just watching movies and didn't come home till 7:30 this morning! I think it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

And I think I also met a guy...A guy who I could quite possibly in the future have an awesome relationship with. I met him Saturday night when a friend and I went to the bar to see on of the local bands play. I walked up to the bar to order a shot, when I hear a guy's voice to my left. Before you know it, I'm inviting him and his friend to the table cause he seemed cool. Within a few minutes though it became crystal clear to me that I was in now way interested in this guy, but his friend I had noticed had been looking at me...We began to lock eyes from across the table...I invited them back to my house for a few games of Def Jam NY on the Xbox, and they decided to come.

We three hung out at my house for a few hours and had some really great conversation. Mostly it was me and T. Talking and almost instantly I could feel there was a connection. There was this great tension...kinda like back in junior high when you like someone and they like you so you try to come up with excuses to brush your fingers across theirs...We were doing the same thing. I had butterflies in my stomach, it was all so sweet and innocent. It was an amazing feeling.
we made plans that night when they left to go to the casino on Monday night and hang out.

So, out we went last night. It was the most fun I have had in a really long time! T. And I were inseparable. We were sitting down at the nickel machines and taking turns placing bets and spinning the wheel. He was a true gentleman and it was sweet when he would brush his fingers over mine "accidentally"! There was this amazing connection that we both began to feel when I sat down with him later in the night. It was going to be the last money he was going to spend and we were going to head home. He had 300 credits left on the machine and he asked me to help him out. We began coming up with fun superstitious way of hitting the buttons...Like we both took our index fingers on the left hand (had to be the same hand!) and on my count push and hold the button until the wheel would stop. Then we started flicking each other's fingers to hit the button. There was the series where we were pushing the button using the others pointer finger...And then there were the 10 spins where we both pushed the button while gazing into each others eyes...The rules were that neither could look away until the wheel stopped. He made me feel like I was the only other person in the room with him....Probably the most romantic experiences I have ever experienced with a guy!

His friend was getting mad though that we were spending so much time together because he liked me...T. Felt bad, but not bad enough to not spend time with me!

Now here is the dilemma: T. Has a girl friend...

They have been together for 4 years and just got back together after a 6 month split. From what he says, things haven't really been the same with them and he has been questioning their status...He told me that he would never cheat on her, and I would never want him to, not even to kiss me. I have so much respect for him because of that. After that few moments where we were gazing at each other, he seemed to get a little upset. He said to me "You know, I'm having a really hard time talking to you right now. I need to take a break..." He walked off to the bathroom and came back a few minutes later. I think he really wanted to kiss me...

I gave him my number and said this to him "If you decide not to call me, I will completely understand..." He replied "Oh, you know I am going to call. But you have to understand that right now it can only be as friends..." I told him "I completely understand. If that is all we can be, that's better than nothing. It isn't every day that you meet someone you connect so easily with and quite honestly I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all" He proceeded with something like "You never know what the future brings...I think it's important to be friends first anyway..."

I swear...WHY DOES HE HAVE A GF? He made me smile so much...I feel like a giddy school girl...*sigh*

I could see in his eyes the struggle that was going on in his mind. He kept telling me how amazing I am and it felt awesome to be noticed like that. I truly think that if this does go any where, it will be unreal...How many guys would sit in a crowded casino and play silly games like no one was around...It was the sort of sappy stuff you would only see in movies. Sappy and SWEET though!

There was one moment where he began laughing and said "this is so gay!" I took it as an insult because I was having so much fun and I thought he was too..."This is NOT gay! It's friggin fun!" I spat out at him...He said "OMG! Hell yea it's fun! But it is a little gay, I mean who does this?" I said to him "We do..."

I can't even believe how nice he is...We shall see what the future brings eh? Right now he is staying in Sedona for a side job with his friend. I do not believe that I will hear from him until he goes back home on Thursday to Phoenix. His friend was soo pissed by the end of the night, you could cut the tension between them with a knife...I had apologized to T. For kinda getting him in trouble with his friend. He said that it was worth it...Heh...Aww geez I am such a friggin dork!

I do hope to hear from him...If not I will probably always wonder about him...

Soooo Cold!

2005-12-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

So here I am in New York, and it is friggin cold. It has been nice to see my mom and brother, we have been getting along really good.

I have been thinking alot about Abrian...I really miss him. Sigh. Is that really such a bad thing? I don't think so. Of course you all might have different opinions, but I think it would be wrong if I didn't miss him at all. He was such a good part of my life these past few months and for me to just not feel a sense of loss would not be right. I wish things would have turned out differently. I wish we could have been together...

Christmas is in a few days and It finally feels Christmas-y. Arizona just doesn't feel Christmas-y because of the weather, so it's real nice to feel the spirit. The traffic here is HORRENDOUS! I had somehow forgotten just how many people live here!

My flights were good and smooth, and I met alot of really nice people. I stared out the window as we were flying into Philly where my layover was and was mesmerized by the lights twinkling below. The patterns were amazing and reminded me of delicate lace weaved out of a million miniature lights.

I miss my "kids". Jeanne is watching the dogs and TJ is watching the cats. Jeane said that Curtis was a little depressed the first night without me. That thought makes me feel sad, but I know that soon enough he will be home again with his mom, all snugled up in bed =)...I can't wait!

Already I miss home...NY is NOT my home. I feel like a stranger among the hostile traffic and smog and bitter biting wind. Arizona is the only place I can truly call home. I have not a single friend here in NY that I would want to see, and this only leaves family. While I love 'em, there's only so much that I can take...

So, Merry Christmas to you all! And I will see you in the new year...

I don't even know what to say...

2005-12-14T01:12:00.000-08:00

I awoke at 1:30 this morning alone with a smile playing at my lips. What was it I was dreaming about that caused this unnatural movement of my muscles? I wondered to myself.

The damn thing of it all is nothing. I awoke with a sense of freedom and hope. Don't think I'm crazy now, I mean I have been spouting that I have been in the deepest throes of eternal sadness, with no end in sight and here I am, actually smiling, especially after this newest development with Abrian. But I don't know. I actually feel good...

My roommate finally got home today, I had been waiting all day for his return. He has quickly become my confidante...My best friend. I can tell him anything, and he listens and offers his opinions...I feel so blessed to have met him and to now have him as my room mate. Honestly, he is the greatest roomie in all the land. So we sat outside and I told him what had transpired in the Abrian Chronicles the night before. I bawled my eyes out and he listened wholeheartedly, as always. It almost seemed as if I saw a flash of anger in his eyes when I told him how cold our last encounter went.

He told me the things everyone has said thus far.."You are better off..." And "You deserve better..." But he also offered me his opinions based on his observations of time Abrian and I spent together. And apparently, he really always thought that I was getting played. He always hinted that he might not have thought that he was good for me, but I never thought that he might have actually had opinions on the subject.

We sat around tonight and watched a movie and I don't know...Abrian began to slip from my mind, for the first time in a loooong time. It felt good to enjoy the moment. I went to bed and immediately zonked out, once again, Abrian didn't cross my mind.

When I awoke earlier, smiling, I wondered what I was smiling about...As I sit here, I realize that I actually am beginning to see the relationship with Abrian clearly for what it was, and that I am elated that it is over. Not to say that the sadness won't come creeping back in though, but it feels good to have this momentary clarity and that I finally am allowing a reprieve from the eternal sadness that I have been subjecting myself to.

*SIGH* Well I have New York to look forward to...I leave on Tuesday...It should be exciting. I spoke to my brother last night and it was really good to hear from him. I haven't spoke to him in over a year...A conversation in which we argued about some stupid shit and then wouldn't speak to each other. Before the argument, we hadn't talked in almost 2 years. As children we were so damn close. I would go far enough to call him my best friend as kids. Somewhere along the line, with the separation of my family, we lost each other. Our friendship became a competition...For what, I'll never know.

I am really looking forward to opening the lines of communication after being effectively estranged from him for almost 10 years...I hope we can slowly rebuild our friendship again. I really do miss him. My mom got all teary eyed that we were speaking again...It was all really sweet. It just seems amazing to me that after all the horror of my childhood that my family is finally healing. It used to be me, my mom and my brother against the world. Somehow we all lost each other. I never thought that we would end up where we are. We all have evolved from emotional wrecks into something I never thought possible.

Perhaps this is the start of a whole new and exciting chapter...Perhaps I will be able to draw strength from my united family...I am really excited about the possibilities...

The ceaseless flow of time has slowed down to a crawl

2005-12-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

It has been 6 and 1/2 hours since he left my house, yet it feels already like an eternity.

I woke him up and listened to him get ready for the last time, while I stared at the ceiling. He collected his things, even asked me about a shirt that he had left awhile back. Walked to the front door, opened it and said "Goodbye..." A second later he realized that he had left his glasses. I calmly walked to my room with him in tow, to retrieve them. I handed him his glasses, he placed them on his face, turned away from me and began to leave the room. I called to him in a somewhat amused tone, trying desperately to cling to my sanity and strength and not cry (I hate goodbyes) "You aren't even going to give me a hug? Damn, that's cold..."

He spun around, almost angry and spat out "I haven't walked out the door yet, have I?" I let it slip by that, had he not left his glasses he would have been out the door without a second thought. He reached out and wrapped his arms around me, but there was no warmth there. He held me close and tight for about 20 seconds and ran his hands down my back. Without another word, he turned away from me and walked out the door, and my life.

I called out, almost desperate to hear him speak to me one last time, "Bye!" Though the word caught in my throat and barely escaped, he heard me and replied sullenly, almost grudgingly, and certainly curt "Bye."

As the tears began flowing, I raced to the window to watch him pull out of the driveway, waving and smiling, trying to let him remember me smiling. He never even looked up.

I wonder, is he as sad as I am? Is he even sad at all? Did I give him the out he had been waiting for for some time now? Is he really glad that things turned out this way?

I guess ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks. I did what I did because I deserve more than what he was willing to give me. I deserve to be with someone who cherishes me and loves me and wants to hold me. I deserve to be first priority, not second fiddle, not have a hidden and secret relationship. I deserve to shout to the world who I am with, not to hide it away like a dirty little secret. I deserve all of these things and so much more.

If he is so wrong for me, why did I think he was so right? How was it possible that he felt nothing for me? Why did I allow this to go on for so long?

These questions and others are swirling around my head right now. I am sad, but also glad. I am glad that I finally stood up for myself and demanded respect, from both him and myself. It is something that for too long, I have disregarded.

I am hoping that now that I am truly single, and alone, that I will learn to harness that strength, and use it every day. I want to be happy again. I don't want to feel this "nothing" that I have been feeling.

Though I feel relieved I am also feeling a great sense of loss. I really liked him. It all just seems so tragic to me. If I had the chance to do it over again, would I? The answer for me is simple. ABSOLUTELY. Are there things that I would have done differently? That one is much more complicated. If I knew what to differently to achieve a different outcome, then yes, I probably would have done things different. But as I go through our time together, I do not know where I would have diverted the path.

I just know that already I miss him, and I need to not feel that way. He didn't care about me. As I lay in bed last night, after we slept together and I began sobbing, he never even tried to comfort me. In my mind, you have to be pretty callous to not hold someone who is that vulnerable. These are the things that I have to keep reminding myself about.

But still...We had so much fun. And the sex was always mind blowing...

Not goodbye, but see you soon...A letter to all of my readers

2005-11-26T13:37:00.000-08:00

Isn't it funny how something once so important to us can, literally overnight, become almost obsolete? That is how I have felt about blogging and just writing in general. There was a time that I would post everyday religiously. Hell, sometimes even 2 or 3 times! But as of lately I just haven't had the desire to post. I almost feel like I have to, as opposed to wanting to. I had even considered deleting the entire blog and dropping off the face of the earth...I couldn't tell you why, it's just how I have felt.

When I began this I had wanted a theme...Sort of a fun airy blog. I never intended for it to turn into a rant journal, and I feel disappointed that it has turned into just that. Maybe I just need a short break. I dunno.

I have never been good at sticking to anything. EVER. This blog was the only thing that I had made a commitment to that I actually stuck to for as long as I have because I enjoyed it. I still enjoy it in a sense, but it doesn't give me the same satisfaction that I used to get by spewing all my crap out here.

I haven't been spending near as much time on the internet that I used to. Maybe 20 minutes every other day. It's almost as if I have been avoiding it like the black plague. I can't even figure out why.

I think maybe all I need now is a little time away. Some space if you will. I plan on still reading blogs...(though I have been a bad kid and lurking, not commenting, I'm still there) and think that some time away is necessary to get my groove back. Writing is my passion just that I am at a strange time right now. I don't know up from down and in some cases right from wrong.

I hope that you all understand and check in periodically. I am thinking perhaps after Christmas is when I intend to begin posting again. Thanks to everyone of you who have commented and shown care and concern. It really does mean a lot to me.

Merry Christmas to all of you!

XOXO-Jenelle

A new theory...

2005-11-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization that instead of wasting my energy in worrying about this whole A. Situation that I need to refocus. I need to refocus on me and my everyday life and how I can improve my routine. I have been letting the house to fall to shambles. Not putting things away when I'm done with them, leaving dishes everywhere, not vacuuming or sweeping. I feel all disoriented and cant seem to find anything.

I am thinking a big part of this has to do with the fact that when I met Mike, I was a very lost soul. I was just getting out of the party scene cause it wasn't making me happy to be drunk every night. I didn't know anyone outside the party scene, I didn't really know any other lifestyle, especially since I grew up in the same environment as the one I was partaking. I had no idea what the "normal" people did. Mike basically took me under his wing and plopped me into his life and routine. I only know him and so It's strange because I never got a chance to start my life. I pretty much just walked into a life already made for me. All I literally had to do was the basic life functions.

So here I am now, waiting for things to fall into place since that is the way is happens for me. And guess what I am learning? That's right folks...The kid's gotta do it herself...Scary and liberating at the same time. I am literally learning to live my life...It is exhilarating to think of the things that I always did his way that I don't have to anymore...Enough to put a shit eatin' grin on my face for awhile!

I want to eat healthy and take better care of my body. Take vitamins, give myself a manicure and pedicure. I am friggin single for cryin out loud! I can be as selfish as I want to be! And I am going to, too.

So yea, I would like to think that when he gets his shit together maybe some time down the road, and I am in a better place emotionally perhaps it could be something amazing. I honestly feel that, but I can't tell the future and wasting all my energy waiting and hoping...Well it is not good. I have been neglecting the most important thing...ME!

So I am starting the day tomorrow with a fresh new game plan. It feels good to finally set my game plan. I am slowly getting the hang of this "free thinking". Can I hear a HALLELUJAH from all my oppressed sistas!

That's all the news that's fit to print. Night Y'all! XOXO

Long sleepless nights

2005-11-18T07:23:00.000-08:00

Yea, so things have been ok. Only ok because I have been having a hard time sleeping. This past week I have really been concentrating on thinking more about me...Who is Jenelle, and what does she like to do? It is also a tactic to help my mind not think about the Abrian situation. I still miss him a lot, but during the day when I am busy I feel alright. He's still in the back of my mind, but I don't feel melancholy.

Every night for the past 3 nights in a row, I have sat down and watched t.v. and every night I have passed out on the couch by around 11 because I am exhausted. And every night I wake up in a zombie foggy haze and go stumbling into my room around 12 or so. And also every night I lay down in my bed and am about to slip back into glorious slumber when suddenly, my eyes snap open and almost instantly I feel wide awake. My mind starts racing a million miles an hour, and the only thing I am thinking about is Abrian. I am wondering if he misses me, or if he and his wife are patching things up. Does he even think about me? Does he know how tortured I have felt this past week? .....And on and on and on....

These questions and a BAZILLION others race through my mind at the speed of Mach ten. I can't turn my brain off, and I am beginning to think that by repressing my thought during the day is causing this night time interruption. My brain is insistent that I suffer. There is an evil person operating the mechanics, of this I am convinced.

So where do I go from here? I am as confused as, if not more than I was when this whole thing started. Should I call? Or should I....Honestly I can't even offer myself any options that I like. What would be my ideal situation? Well, ideally he would call me and tell me that he misses me and that he would like to come and see me. We would hang out and have fun and I would be happy.

In other news, I spoke with my mom last night and she has booked my ticket to fly to NY! I will be leaving Arizona on Dec. 20th and coming back home on the 29th. They really wanted me to stay longer, but I honestly can not afford to not work for any longer than that. I am super stoked because I haven't spent a real Christmas with my family in 8 years...Since I met Mike.

Also I went yesterday and got the final 2 tests necessary to be declared a candidate for LASIK surgery. Everything looks good. I asked her if I could have it done before I go to NY so that I can show off my "new face" to go along with my "new body" (I have lost 20 lbs since I last saw everyone) and once the surgery is done I have a really great "new haircut" to complete the transformation. The date for the surgery is tentatively set for December 5th. I will find out on Monday for sure though. I never expected to have it done so soon...Both exciting and scary at the same time.

So along with my stress over Abrian and trying to imagine what he could possibly be thinking, I have all this other stuff, which is the reason that I can't sleep, though mainly I attribute it all to Abrian.

God...Why do I miss him so much?????

Meh...

2005-11-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

So I don't feel as happy as I did yesterday, but I am still in better shape than than I was only a few days ago. I am trying not to think about...Well you know. It is best if I just keep on keepin on and let things run their course.

And in other news, Jeannie and I are going to do Thanksgiving together at her house. She invited her ex-husband (yes, that's right folks, EX) and since I know my roommate doesn't have any friends or family I invited him. So far it will be just the 4 of us, but I think it will be really nice.

Also I am almost positive that my mom is going to buy me a plane ticket so that I can fly to New York for Christmas. I haven't spent a Christmas with my family in about 4 or 5 years, and am beginning to get excited about it. Not getting too worked up until the ticket is booked though. I have no idea what it will cost and it just might be too expensive. So that's all the news that's fit to print!

Feelin good today!

2005-11-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day. I had resolved on Sunday night that I was going to get my butt in gear and accomplish the things that I have been putting on hold, like sending off some bills and getting my car damage from the accident estimated...After 3 hours of running in and out of every bank in Cottonwood and the post office and proofing a new batch of business cards, I took a drive over to Tae Kwan Do Unlimited because I wanted to inquire about pricing and find out when I could start. Unfortunately it wouldn't open till 4 pm. So I went home and had 4 dogs today. Then I had to go to the doctor because I got a UTI and from there I went back to the school. I walked in and the energy was amazing. The woman behind the counter invited me to come to the class tonight to watch and see if I like it...I told her that I was just going to sign up and participate tonight if possible.

So I got my uniform and came home to wash it cause it was soo stiff. An hour later I was back at TKDU and participating. It was friggin awesome! I had so much fun that it was wrong. I was complimented on my stretch and told that once I get the stances that my kicks will be fantastic. Also I got to spar with the sensae. Three times! It was just too cool.

This is the first day in almost a whole week that I even left the house cause I wanted to. I wasn't longing for my jammies and bed. I was simply enjoying myself. It felt so nice to enjoy my own company.

I spoke to Abrian briefly today. I was excited about the class and wanted to tell him so I called him. Meh...He was kinda grumpy. I just shrugged it off though and decided not to let it bother me anymore. If he decides that he wants to see me again then fine...I'd love to hang out with him. But I honestly have to prepare myself for what I perceive as the worst case scenario, which would be that he gets back with his wife. It is a real possibility, so I have to be ready and not be blindsided.

My new resolve (which I realize should have been my resolve all this time) is to just try and enjoy each moment as it's happening and not worry about the things I have no control over. Because instead of worrying about me I was worrying about what he was thinking, and I have no control over it which was frustrating to me. I just gotta back off and let it be. It will happen if it's meant to.

So, it has come to this...

2005-11-11T14:25:00.000-08:00

Just as I predicted, Abrian called me and said he needs space and time to think. Perhaps for only a short time, and perhaps not. I really don't know. As upsetting as it is to me I also understand because I have been where he is, except for the having a kid part. I understand that it makes things way more complicated.

I think I should clarify, for those of you who do not know the entire situation, why it is that I am seeing a married man. See, he and his wife have been separated for a few months and are going through a divorce, same as me and Mike. She left him 3 weeks prior to me leaving. So it is not as devilish as it may have at first seemed, though technically, yes we are both still married to other people.

If I could fast forward in time to see what the future has in store for me, I totally would. I feel at stalemate right now, like everything needs so much effort. And I haven't got the energy, mentally or physically to deal with it. I feel like I could lay down and sleep forever, or at least until these hard times have passed.

The gods mush hold me in high regard as they sent the rain I asked for. Living in a state of eternal sunshine when all you want is rain to match your mood is maddening. It only helps to facilitate the feeling that life is wasting away. I don't feel guilty sleeping when it is cold and raining though. So my plans for today include no more than a nap, dinner, and then bed for the evening. I am already worn out from expressing myself here. *SIGH*

I think deep down I know that eventually things will get better, but I don't want to wait. I want to skip this part, move onto the next exciting thing in my life. Ugh. And I do miss him, and it hasn't even been a whole day. I guess just knowing that I really shouldn't call him is what does it. I hope he figures it all out and it goes in my favor. Is that horrible? That I don't want him to get back with his wife? Meh...I dunno.

What a tangled web we weave

2005-11-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

*Sigh* I really don't even know where to begin. Things have just gotten so out of hand and I feel horrible because I feel like the cause of it all. I think I should start off by saying that those of you who I IM know how I really feel about Abrian, despite some of my stupid remarks that I have made here. He has been my friend and confidant and my lover as well. It seems that the only time I smile is when he is here with me. And I guess a huge part of the reason that I say such disgusting things about him is for 2 major reasons. 1. I was in the dark about the status of him and his wife's standings and their entire situation. I guess I was afraid to bring it up because I didn't want to upset him. It seemed a touchy topic and I think we had a silent agreement to simply enjoy what little time we have together, which up till this point we have done. The 2nd reason is that I have been selfish in not understanding what he was trying to tell me and only thinking about myself. I want what I want when I want it, bottom line. I guess when it comes to matters of the heart thought it doesn't work quite that way.

Monday Abrian had come over and there was a static electricity in the air. Something felt different and it was a really good different. That night I learned that sex is not just sex, though honestly it was always more than that to me anyway. We connected on an amazing level and didn't just have sex, but as corny as it may sound to you cynics out there (ahem, I am referring to myself mainly here) we made love. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before and it literally blew my mind away. And just like that (snap of fingers) things changed. I can't say that I really know what made them change (ok, I can but chose not to...Some things are meant never to be told) but in an instant, right before my very eyes we were different. And there was this tension we never had before. And tonight I think I fully understand it all and I feel horrible about it because it is all my fault.

In me being selfish and demanding of him, it has put a strain on the relationship with him and his wife. I would probably not care if not for the fact that they have a child, but I can't possibly come between him and his family. And whatever the outcome is, if they get back together or not, I think he needs to sort that all out without having to think about me too and my wants and needs. I really don't want to have to let him go, but I think at this point it is the best. And if even a week from now and he feels like shit is sorted...Well good. But in reality things are so much mre complicated than that. I really just want him to be happy, whatever that is. I have to put my selfish thoughts to the side and be strong and let him loose. Or perhaps if I didn't down the line he might come to resent me and feel like I forced him into this, which quite honestly up till this point I guess I was.

Lord knows that I miss him already.

And in more depressing news, Thanksgiving is going to be a bust this year. I have no plans and no family to spend it with. I thought it wouldn't matter, but as the date gets nearer and nearer I am dreading it...I do not know if I can honestly handle any more sad feelings. As of lately I have spent my time either working or sleeping. I recognize this as signs of depression and I also know that getting out would be good for me, yet I simply can not bring myself to leave the house other than for necessities, and even then I find myself longing for my jammies an bed. I do not feel fit for company other than Abrian and that thought just makes me even sadder because of what I think we must do, even if it is just for a short time. *sigh*

I think you all should know that I have actually begun to like my roommate and think he's an aight dude. He's growing on me and he almost feels like a brother. He's a real good listener. And all of you are too for that matter. So there. You wanted the truth? You can't handle the truth...Or can you?

Just when I thought I wanted to roll over and die...

2005-11-06T07:33:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am beginning to be me again. I had heard from a guy friend of mine the other day the horrendous truth about what has been going on with Abrian, and even though in my heart of hearts (what a dumb saying huh?) I already knew it, for some reason when he said it it just clicked. His exact words were that he's "hittin it then quittin it". It was a giant slap in the face. And just like that, my whole attitude changed. And wouldn't you know that the instant I woke up and felt cleansed of any real feelings for him that he called me. Not once or even twice...but 3 times, and he was oh so sweet to me, and it didn't matter.

Yea, so even though I did have him come over last night and we...ahem, well you know...there was no emotional attachment for me. And he was definately put off by my change of heart, though I never said it to him, he just knew, and lo and behold he was more attentive to me then he ever has been. I woke him up at the butt crack of dawn and sent his ass packing and even though he kissed and hugged me before leaving (which by the way, he NEVER has done) I still feel like I don't need him. So, he will be my tool...my boy toy. I will use him and send him on home and not give any more thought to him. Sex is just sex after all.

I have not heard from the eye doc, which doesn't upset me because I think it was unprofessional of him anyway to call me from his records without asking me...And I have no interest in the chiro at all. So I am not bound by anyone emotionally and it feels fuckin great!
slowly but surely I am settling into this new life.

Last night while Abrian was here I got a text from a number that sounded familiar to me but I was unsure who it was. It read "Hey! What are you doing tonight?"

After I replied back with a hello of my own and a "Not much just chillin at home" I realized who it was. This guy Chris that I met at the bar when I went like 3 weeks ago. He was interested in renting the room in my house and we had sorta also made plans to chill but then he didn't call me...So I deleted his number from my phone and didn't give him another thought. And then here he is asking to hang out. He asked me "Are you alone? want me to come over?"

Now if I remember correctly, this guy was HOT! And hell yea I wanted him to come over, but Abrian was here. So I told him that it wasn't a good night but that I'd like to see him tomorrow. He was like "ok" And then I texed him again asking him if he was gonna flake out on me again and he promised me he wouldn't, so we shall see if he calls today. Trust me that I'll keep you filled in!

...The next day. So yea Chris kinda flaked on me again. I texted him around 9 last night asking him what he was doing for the night. He said "I'm in phx" I was kinda pissed cause I had a feeling he was going to flake out on me, but instead of letting him know I was pissed, I texted him back with a "Too bad..." He texted me back with a smiley face. I know he's going to call me if not tonight then within the next few days.

Ok folks. Things seem to be looking up for me, let's all cross out fingers and hope that the bottom doesn't decide to fall out again, eh?

One of the weirdest days of my life...

2005-11-03T07:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I really could say that this whole week has been odd, but yesterday definitely takes the cake as being the most bazaar. It started with me rolling out of bed and throwing my hair into a ponytail and tossing a ratty old tee shirt and jeans. I had a 7:45 appointment at the chiropractor to get a 1 hr massage. So I am getting this full body massage and I feel like I am in heaven and though the therapist is beating me to a pulp, it felt really good, she was getting all the deep down shit.

So I leave the chiro. All mushy and relaxed and, mind you, lookin like crap. No makeup, my ponytail is now all messed up and still a cruddy tee and jeans. I was headed to my next doctor appointment with Dr. Mahanti the LASIK doctor. It was an appointment that I had already missed twice before, so I was really excited to find out if I am a candidate. I arrived early and sat in my car in front of the building for about 10 minutes. As I am sitting there, this pimped out BMW pulls up and I think that he must be Dr. Mahanti. I can't take my eyes off his car, it's beautiful. I picture myself sittin behind the wheel and driving as fast as it can go...God how I would love to drive it! (I am fairly certain this is the car he was driving...Looked like 100 G's easily)

So I go and check in. The nurse shows me a cheezy movie about the surgery and I am laughing almost the whole time cause it is so silly. The doc came and called me to his room a few minutes later. As he was looking at my eyes, I was staring into his and thought "Wow, he has amazing eyes". He proceeded to dilate my eyes, which if you have ever had this done before, you know it sucks. I almost instantly became disoriented. While I sat in his chair and he ran his tests, mentioned that I liked his car. We talked about it for a few minutes and he told me that indeed it is FAST.

At the end of the evaluation, he said that I would have to go to Flagstaff for 2 more tests but that I look like a candidate. I was supposed to pay his secretary for the eval, $100 big ones, but I was so screwed up (felt a touch of vertigo) that I walked out of there without paying.

The drive home was horrendous. It was so bright out and the sun was glaring off the cars in the oncoming lane and I thought for sure that I was going to kill myself, but made it safely home 10 minutes later. All I could think to do at this point was lay down and close my eyes. I fell asleep and awoke about an hour later to the phone ringing. I answered it and who is it? Dr. Mahanti.

Immediately I assumed that he was calling to asked me to pay for the appointment.

He said "Hi I was wondering if you were surviving the dilation?"

I said "Heh, well I am certainly trying!"

"I was curious about how you run your business and stuff and I was wondering if I could come over and bring some lunch and you could show me?"

(in my head) "OMG! OMG! OMG!....To him "Oh sure that sounds good!"

I gave him directions and proceeded to run about my house like a lunatic as fast as my dilated eyes would allow. You see I had Abrian over the night before and he and I drank a whole case of beer and had left bottles all over the house. There was lime juice all over the countertops and dishes stacked in the sink. The rugs needed to be vacuumed...You get the idea. I knew I only had about 10 minutes before he got there and though I really looked like hell and wanted to get in the shower, I absolutely had to get the house in order, I mean he's a doctor for chrissake!

So he pulls up to my house in his hot car with lunch in his hands. We sat down and ate. Had some general conversation, a bit about Mike and how we ended up in Arizona, and the divorce, and about my business, and finally we talked for a hot minute about the surgery and he assured me that I would be just fine.

When he was finished eating he scraped his plate and put his dish in the dishwasher. He began kinda walking in circles kinda nodding saying "Yea this is nice...nice place..." He went to the counter where I had some mail and he picks up one of the catalogs that was sitting there..."Oh, and I see you have your Victoria's Secret catalog..." Still nodding...

So about 5 minutes later he said that he ought to get going. I thanked him for lunch and the company, he thanked me and said he was glad that he came and met me, he called me an "Interesting person" and left. He didn't say anything about calling me again, or anything. He didn't try to make a move while he was here, he didn't seem to do anything, though he made a lot of eye contact.

So, yea it was really weird. Even weirder is that he is the second doctor that has shown interest in me this week. Just Monday my chiro had asked me if I would like to go out and catch some dinner sometime, to which I replied yes.

Now both of these docs have money and seem really nice and mature and are both quite handsome, yet for some stupid reason, I feel like I am doing something wrong because of Abrian.
What is it with this kid? Here I have mature men hitting on me and I have a thing for a 20 year old boy, who sleeps with me and then doesn't call me all week until he wants to get laid again. And I buy it hook, line and sinker. Argh! *sigh* Ah, but the sex is sooo good!

I know for certain that I am only going to put up with this crap for so much longer before I get rid of his ass. I have just been so lonely that at this point I'll take any sort of attention. Isn't that sad? Humph. But, I am strong and shall persevere throughout this and any other crap life decides to throw my way.

"I am the roughest, roughest, roughest. I am the toughest, toughest, toughest"

Hell yea. So in response to Nick's most recent comment about not divulging the details of "said night" it is because I am waaaay to embarassed to tell all of you how I am allowing myself to be treated, and feel I have already given too much info.

(during spell check, I had misspelled dilate and the first suggestion the spell checker offered was dildo...what are you trying to say here spell checker?)

Have a lovley day fellow earthlings. peace out.

Halloween SUCKS...

2005-10-31T19:28:00.000-08:00

I have almost always hated Halloween. I really don't know why. I never cared to worry about costumes and all that. I only liked it because of the candy, and even then I almost always went as myself. I never got into the shaving cream and eggs and toilet paper...It was like a personal mission to hit up each and every house and get a huge ass bag of candy.

My specialty was the day after Halloween. I came up with this brilliant idea that if I went back to houses that they might have left over candy and sure enough almost every house was more than willing to give up the remainder of their wares. It was awesome...Double score!

But here in Arizona, I haven't got a single trick-or-treater at my door. Which is good because I even forgot to get any candy!

So, yea all you Halloween lovers, BAH HUMBUG!

Now Christmas is a whole other story...But I have no idea what this year might bring. It may very well be the first year ever in the history of my life that I am alone on Christmas, so if I am a humbug please give me some slack...Just giving fair warning is all.

Today is a day of cleansing

2005-10-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

Today I spent the whole day vegging out. I slept in late, read a whole book (which I haven't had time for in AGES and damn it felt goood!), I even took a nap. I feel like I am finally coming back into myself, almost whole again. I think then I will begin to heal, once I feel persent in my body and in time...Well hopefully I will not only be back to my bubbly self, but I'll be better than ever!

I cleaned the house and also my blog. I deleted a few blogs that either no longer exist or that I no longer read and have added the ones that I have been reading. It is something that should have been taken care of a LOOONG time ago, but was put off by more important things. Not that you all aren't important to me, but ah, you know.

My roomie is a flippin weirdo! He walks around with a discman (who uses them anymore anyway? MP3 players are so cheap and small...?) and beebops and scats to whatever it is he listens to. He mumbles and humms throughout the house as if I weren't even there. And he drives me nuts cause all he says is "Right on..." For fuckin everything.

"What is the deal with the CD player on your stereo?"

"Oh," I reply "it sometimes is temperamental. Sometimes the damn thing doesn't work"

"Right on" or,

last night I said to him, "I hate to be a stickler, but you are in my parking spot."

"Right on"

I wanna wring his damn neck. But really I am a nice girl. Nice and polite...But fucking GRRRRRR.

Roommates suck!

2005-10-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

My roommate is already driving me nucking futz...no one thing in particular, just having to share a space with a stranger and me doing things differently than him. I am afraid to correct him because I don't think I can without sounding bitchy, thus I hold my tongue.

He is nice enough though. He cooked dinner for us which was good since I haven't had a proper meal in over a month or so, but he left the kitchen a damn mess. There is also the matter of the laundry...I asked him to not use my detergent and to get his own as I use the expensive shit. He commented that he didn't like the brand anyway...This morning he proceeded to do 2 loads of laundry and used my friggin soap. Without asking, I might add...I mean WTF?!

Then he doesn't wipe the counters down after eating and leaves sweat rings and smeared potatoes on the counter tops...If this is him on his best behavior I wonder what I am in store for in the future. Perhaps he will not like it here and move out on his own very soon.

(Is it too soon for me to be getting all irritated?)

And in other news I called Abrian last night because I hadn't heard from him after the other night where I refused to go over to his house, and the details of said night I am too ashamed to divulge...But anyway he seemed pleased to hear from me which was nice. I do not think this will ever go anywhere and am beginning to fear that I am wasting my time. Perhaps if I thought for even a second that there was another prospect I would move on without looking back. (If I believed that I'd only be lying to myself...The guy's got a hold on me...Why? I do not know)

All this turmoil is supposed to be good for me, or so says a friend of mine at least. She says that this is where richness lies and that I should draw upon it. Bleh is what I have to say about that. I feel good as long as I am around people but when I am alone I am not necessarily sad, just almost non thinking, non existent. It's a strange frame of mind in which I currently reside. I hope that I snap out of it...Though I can not imagine how to do so.

Bleh...

2005-10-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

I had posted last night but deleted it...Trust me it wasn't a good 'un anyway.

I got a roomate today. A 29 year old guy named TJ. He's not very good looking and seems really quiet. He has never been in a serious relatioship before which is really sad for a 29 year old...I kinda feel bad for him. I am a bit scared about having someone living with me in the house, but I gotta do it. Meh, we shall see how it goes. Otherwise not much else going on.

I had to say it was a good day...

2005-10-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day for me. I feel somewhat grounded and a bit more settled than I have in a while and it feels nice. I still feel lonely but today that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. I need to get used to having me as company. It's what I had intended from the get-go anyway. It just will take some time I guess.

And in other news, I will be seeing Abrian tonight. I have come to accept the terms of our "relationship" or lack there of. I guess it is just good enough that he asked to see me at all. At this point I'll take anything. Any companionship is better than none. There will come a time when I won't even want that from him. He isn't really giving me what I need emotionally, but as far as company goes he's a lot of fun.

Things have been really good with me and Mike. We have been friends even and it is good to know that if I need someone to take to I can always count on him, though I will not.

The house is awesome and is beginning to feel like home. I put some bird feeders out in the tree in the back and have yet to have any visitors, and I am anxious for them to come. It will take some time I guess. Patience is a virtue I have never really had.

And so overall, today is going well for me. Much better than in recent days, so I'll take it. At least I am not feeling melancholy. Not quite normal though. That's about it. Nothing exciting to tell which I suppose is a good thing eh?

A million unspoken words...

2005-10-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

The silence in this house is deafening.

Hmmm...I have been a very bad blogger!

2005-10-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

Yea. Well, I hate to say it, but I realize that my blog has officially turned to CRAP. So I want to turn it around by promising not to disappear again and to keep you all updated regularly and to reciprocate by reading and commenting on your blogs as well. *SIGH* I have been a very bad blog friend. I apologize.

Well, I am now in my new house and it is smoking!!! It's a 1600 sq ft house in a really beautiful neighborhood with a covered porch in the back and the best thing of all....Trees and GRASS!!! The dogs have settled in nicely and Cleo just loves to tear ass through the back as fast as she can. The cats are also settling in quite comfortably and just love exploring all the hidey holes and cabinets that are prominent in the house. I have been also very happy here. This house has a beautiful positive energy and it envelops me like a womb. It has been mostly quiet, but I have had overnight company a few times already...(wink, wink).

But seriously it has been quiet and beautiful and also horribly lonely. The silence scares the shit outta me...But at the same time I know it is just what I need.

So that is most of what has been going on here. I have recently found it hard to concentrate and type anything coherent, so I apologize for the short recap. If you have questions, I would be happy to answer them. Thank you all for stickin with me. I love all of your asses! Peace!

Just a quick line

2005-10-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody!!!

Things have been hectic (as usual) and this is my first opportunity to drop a line. I just got my internet back after a whirlwind move and all the shit that goes along with that. I have been thinking about all a y'all and missy ya very much. Sorry for the cruddy post, but I promise that if I can't post a decent update tonight, I for sure will tomorrow, ok?

On the road to recovery

2005-10-10T00:27:00.000-07:00

I would like to start off by first saying thank you to all of you who have stopped by and offered words of encouragement. I appreciate each and every one of you, and your kind words have really helped propel me and keep me afloat during this difficult time for me.

It has been a weekend of interesting events. Quiet mostly, but interesting because I have had a lot of time to reflect and work on my issues with Mike. I have really come to terms with our situation and feel ok about everything going on. I also realize that things have not been easy on him, and that he is dealing in the best way that he knows how. I will just be really glad when things have got to the next level and I no longer live in the house and can continue to go forth.

This time in my life, while tumutulous, has also been very exciting and scary in a good way for me. I feel alive for the first time in probably my whole life, which is a bold statement, but that is how good I really feel. Every once in a while I feel overwhelmed and need to stop and sigh or say terrible things about Mike. The reality is that you all are only hearing one side of the story. I have given this a lot of thought and think it is high time you hear his half from my point of view, if only to clear my conscience and that perhaps you will have a better understanding of the situation.

Through these years that we have spent together, I have really taken advantage of his love for me. I am beginning to see that some of our issues were present because of me. I never had any respect for him and took, took, took. And when I was done taking, I'd ask for more. He gave me everything I ever wanted materially, never balked at a thing. And if he did, it was an act so that he could surprise me with it. I remember this one time a while back that he went into the convenience store for coffee. He came back out with a scratch off lottery ticket and handed it to me. I was all excited and scratched it off to find it was a loser. A moment later he was handing me another one. Also a loser I began to pout (I am a SORE loser) and once again there was another one for me. He surprised me with an additional 5 tickets and each time I didn't win anything. Instead of being happy that he was so sweet and had put thought into this surprise, I pouted and became sullen that I hadn't won anything.

I think that was the pretty much the way our relationship went. He seemed to always think about me and go out of his way for little things like that, and I eventually got used to it and came to expect it. I am not really sure at what point I became a spoiled brat, but I know that it was also somewhere around the time that I realized that while I loved him, I wasn't in love with him. It was hard to think about because I knew how he felt about me just beaue of how selfless he was and always thought about me.

I pushed him away all these years because I was too chicken to confess the truth, and I think in turn he has become bitter. I can't say that I really blame him. As much as I want for all of this mess to be completely his fault, in reality it just isn't. I am at the very least half responsible.

My ultimate hope is that all of you reading this will not pass judgment on him any longer, because he has taken care of me all these years in the best capacity he possibly could, and I appreciate all that he has done for me in the past.

I finally hae started dating...The guy from a few weeks ago who picked his grandmothers dogs??? Well , we have been IMing now off and on for a few weeks. Sometimes I pushed him away because he was too intense for me. But I have spent a lot of time recently with him and am finding out more and more that he is the male version of me...I don't know, there are so many damn things to still sort through.

Mike knows about Abrian...He thinks it's cool that I am getting out there. Bleh. Sorry that t has taken so long to post. This post has been in the making since Sunday...I just haven;t had the heart to finish it.

Um....Am I on the same planet as the rest of the world or am I in the twilight zone?

2005-10-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, so he like never came home last night. Where do I go from here? Suley, my exact thoughts this morning on the gasoline...

Why is he being so insensitive? This is not the man I have known for 8 years. This is not the same man who begged me yesterday to believe that he has never cheated on me...He even faked an all out cry session, hyperventilation and all. I am an idiot. I just need out of this house. As long as I am living here he will continue to rub my face in his filthy exploits and further soil my memories of him. Problem being that there are no apartments available. He had said just a week ago not to look because it would be 2 months at least before he could come up with my agreed settlement amount and that I was welcome to stay till then. He said that I could have this time to begin getting my head together and learn how to handle my finances.

I am overwhelmed and now last night he asked me to be out of the house by the end of the week if possible. I have been reasonable. I have been faithful. I have put up with him for 8 fucking years and this is how he treats me? Tossing me out and basically reniging on every verbal deal we had made. He had initially said that I could have the shop rent free for 2 months from the date that I left and after that time, we would discuss a dollar amount. Then it was "Oh, no you gotta pay me $400 now, starting this week..." And now this.

I am just completely blindsided by a fucking Mack truck...WTF? Do I hit bottom soon? I am beginning to lose my grasp on reality and feel this rage in the pit of my stomach. I want to push him and kick him and say to him when I do see him "I hope she faked every noise she made while you fucked her because your dick is so small that she most likely couldn't even feel you..." And I know it will cause him some pain because I will finally be admitting what I was always too sensitive to tell him..."You have a miniscule penis and you are a lousy lay!!!"

But I never will, you know why? Because I have always been and will continue to be the bigger person. I will continue to remain respectful of his feelings and keep my mouth quiet about how he is slowly killing me. Because to show this anger and hurt, will be to feed his ego. He knows what he is doing and is smart enough to predict the consequences. I refuse him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. BUT one thing I wish I knew is why would he do tis so soon? It only proves my theory that he never really did have respect for me.

And Christian, leaving the business to break all ties with Mike is about leaving all the feelings I have that the business wouldn't stand without him. And that without his jumpstart, I never would amount to anything. I am thinking about opening a pet sitting service. I won't need a shop to run out of and this area is in desperate need of one. Plus it will be a new beginning without a single shred of his help. You just don't understand the games he likes to play. In his mind, for the rest of our days, as long as Purrfect Pet Grooming is successful, it is because of him... And whether there is truth to it or not, I don't even wan him having the satisfaction of thinking it, because that is how god-damned egotistical he is. So that is the only reason. I want no part of him in my new life. I want to plow my own path without the help of him.

But fuck yea, I plan on going out tonight and getting totally trashed. I think I deserve a little escaping myself. Plus I have just got to get outside these repressing walls with their memories and betrayals...

A tangle of emotions

2005-10-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

So it has been all day and I have gone through many emotions. At first as you have eyewitnessed in the previous post, I was hurt and angry. I have given this situation a lot of thought. I am so fed up with him, nauseous even. I just want this all to be over as quickly and painlessly as possible. I am continuing on with my original plan for now. Getting out of the house is priority numero uno. We will see if I can get financing for a house through a private lender. If it works out like I am hoping, I can be out of the house by the end of the week. If not, well that is when I begin to get concerned.

I am beginning to think that I want to shut the shop up. It is tied too closely to him and as long as I have it he can (and does) say "You only have that because of me"...I do not want any strings attached to him. I think the very sight of him will make my blood boil and stomach curdle. Yes I am still angry. I will not want to have to tippy toe around when he's got a girlfriend sleeping in the bedroom from a late night of drinks and sex. It would just be awkward and nerve racking. So, my options are open. My aunt wants me to move back to NY. Even if it's just for a month.

I don't want to go to NY though. I can go anywhere and make it better not knowing anyone in another state besides NY. I would go friggin anywhere else though. I have never been to the New England states. Maybe I could go there for a spell. Or I have always love Virginia. That's a beautiful state. Or any other of out fifty states. It is a real great feeling to be able to feel that open and full of hope. Despite all this drama now, I feel amazing. I realize there will be an adjustment period but I will make it out ok.

I need for once in my life to be the master of my own demise. Mike has guided my every step, literally day in and day out for 8 years. It will be hard at first to be a free thinker. There are a lot of things to remember, and I have never been a good rememberer. This will probably be my biggest hurdle, but I will have to learn. And the only way to learn is by making mistakes.

It just hit me how much I will miss my home. It was a sanctuary for me these past 3 years. It is a really beautiful home. My kids love it and just tonight I am enjoying what could quite possibly be my last night alone with the sounds and comfort of this house. The trickle of the turtle's pond. The sucking noise the air conditioner vent makes when the fan kicks on. Even the irritating buzz the refridgerator makes when the cooler turns on will be a sound of comfort and shall be sorely missed.

I will make new memories. . That is exhilarating to me. Gosh...I am really, finally on my very own.

I can not believe this is happening to me

2005-10-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight for the first time, Mike and I sat down and discussed our relationship and where we think it went wrong. We both agreed that out time together was good for both of us, but that we have just grown apart. In some sense I feel relieved to finally hear him admit that this has been over for awhile, but a part of me is broken because I had deep down wanted to believe that I was this amazing person for him. And I wasn't. Never have been.

This discussion finally let to the rules. Rules about dating. He asked me if I mind if he goes out on a date with a woman he has worked with our mortgage on. I always knew they had a connection, so it was not really a surprise that it was her he planned on seeing this weekend. What surprised me was that he had been seeing her all week long. It was a really hard thing to do to not break down in front of him and even as I type this, I am trembling. I have been replaced. Already. And he has already moved on. I have stared up at the ceiling and cried now for a few hours, but it has not helped. I feel weak and helpless.

I felt so bad about him seeing this woman that I felt compelled to hurt him. I told him that he was a lousy lay and wished him luck with her. Apparently he has known since day one that I have never been attracted to him. He tried to pin the bad sex on me, but he faltered cause he admitted to not trying. I could tell my words stung him and I recieved some satisfaction in seeing his pinched up face. At least I wasn't the only one on the verge of tears.

Why is this so hard for me? I do want this divorce, but why is it killing me that he has moved on? I guess a part of me is suspicious that he has had somewhat of a relationship with her for sometime now. I also found out tonight that while I was being loaded into the ambulance, he told the paramedics that I am single. He is trying to find someone for me so that he doesn't feel guilty. I should have known.

When I met him 8 years ago, he had a girlfriend. They had been dating for 1 and 1/2yrs. Their relationship was at about the same stalemate that we have been in. I came along and he chatted me right up. He even kissed me and would have gone further if I hadn't stopped him. That same week she broke up with him. I remember him suggesting to her guys she should date....

His amazing helpfulness in this situation is also explained by guilt. The reason he has been so accommodating to me and hasn't even broken down. He has been waiting for the right moment...God I am such an idiot. Why did I not see it? And why the fuck am I even so bent up about it? I dunno. I guess a part of me really believed the things he said...That I am the only woman in the world for him, and that no matter what, if ever I change my mind I am welcome back into his life.

All lies. And gullible stupid me *would* believe that I could be loved so much. I desperately needed to believe that at least one person in this world thinks I am irreplaceable. How foolish. Well, lesson learned I suppose. And now here I sit, all alone, scared, broken, and worst of all, betrayed by the single person I believed would never hurt me.

I just can not believe the tables have turned. He was so sneaky and made me be the one to ask for this divorce, and here I thought I was being nice taking a small severance pay. Tricky fuck. How will I ever get past this? How can I ever trust again? Why does this hurt so much???

He will be dating her now. And I am left looking like a jerk. How did this happen?

I just don't know what to do from here. I desperately need my aunt. I just really need a shoulder to cry on. Jeanne doesn't know me and I still don't trust her. I wish I were in NY, even just for tonight. The tears just won't stop coming...I wish I never started. It is only making this worse.

When it rains it pours

2005-10-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday started off as any other normal day, except I was excited. My plans were to go to lunch in Sedona with an ex-co-worker and then from there I had an appointment with a Dr. Mahanti for a consultation on getting my eyes Lasiked. It was an appointment I had been looking forward to for over a week.

I got ready and left the house earlier than necessary to meet Nancy for lunch. It was going to be Chinese...yum. I was dreaming up all the yummy dishes that I would nibble on. About 1/2 way to Sedona on hwy 179 which is an itty bitty road that is always congested with tourists driving slower than the speed limit,about 4 cars in front of me was a car stopped trying to make a left turn onto an obscure road. There is no turning lane for this road, so traffic had to stop and wait for him to turn. It was a blind spot in the road for most of the traffic and since people were riding close there were a lot of short stops. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw the woman behind me also stopping and at a safe distance, so I immediately relaxed. Suddenly BOOM SMASH SCREECH...

I was hit from the rear. I remember stomping on the break as hard as I could to keep from hitting the guy in front of me. I felt the car skidding forward and I remember thinking "WHAT THE FUCK!" I was pissed.

I pulled over to the side and was shocked to see that the car in front of me just drove off. I hadn't hit him. Thank God...I got out to check the damage and found that the woman behind me had also been rear ended, which in turn made her hit me. The car that caused the crash was completely crumpled in the front...Definitely totaled.

My first instinct was to call Mike. He told me what to do. I got back in my car and just kind of sat there dazed...It had happened so fast. I began almost immediately to feel a pain in my neck and numbness in my fingers. My stomach was also nauseous. About five minutes later the paramedic were there. Asking me rapid fire questions..."What's you name...How old are you...Squeeze my finger.." Another voice talking at the same rapid speed his questions overlapping the first voice "Can you wiggle your toes...Don't turn your head...Were you wearing your seat belt...?"

It was all so confusing. There was a man in the back seat holding my neck to prevent me from making any movements and all I remember thinking is "I hope I don't have bad breath, I really need a piece of gum."

They decided they needed to stop traffic to get me onto the back board and out of the car safely. The paramedic asked me if I could lift my butt off the seat so that he could place the board beneath me, and from there I was going to be swung his way. Now mind you, I was wearing a neck brace by this point and I could only see what was right in front of me. The paramedic in the back seat of the car grabbed my legs and spun me around so I was facing sideways in the drivers seat on this board. The man holding the board in the street kept saying "Now lay down, I've got you. Just trust me" But I was so scared. The man in the back seat pushed me gently down by my shoulders. And then I was staring at the sky. I could only look left and right and now I was being strapped to the board all safe and secure... Except I didn't feel safe. Mike had come to check out the car for me and was talking to the police and I could hear him yelling. The police wanted me to make a statement right then and there, but I didn't want to talk. Suddenly I was being lifted into the ambulance. It was so surreal, here I was staring at the ceiling of the ambulance and watching it roll by, just like in the movies. The lights were so bright but I couldn't not look at them.

The paramedic placed something on my finger and a blood pressure cuff on my arm. He was leaning over me and once again I was concerned about my breath and was beginning to feel claustrophobic because I was strapped so tight on the gurney and the ceiling of the ambulance began pressing down on me. My breaths were shallow because of how tight the straps across my chest were. It felt like an eternity before we began driving.

About 20 minutes later we made it to the hospital. The gurney was rolling smoothly across the polished surface of the hospital floor. The urgency in the paramedic voices had mellowed out and I could hear them talking to the nurse about their families.

After waiting in a room alone for about 10 minutes a doctor came in and began to gently unravel me from the confining restraints of the back board and neck brace. If he had waited another 5 minutes to release me I probably would have begun screaming maniacally. It felt so good to be able to breathe deeply again. Now that I was free from my restraints, my head began to think more clearly, and I realized that I was all alone. I could hear the other victims families in the room next door and it struck me how alone I am out here...If Mike and I weren't getting divorced he would have been by my side, but it was the decision I made to be alone. I guess deep down I had hoped he would come be with me anyway. A lonely tear rolled down my cheek, the first sign of moisture in a long time. A doctor walked into the room and I quickly wiped the tear from face. I wanted them to know that I was tough, not a cry baby.

They released me about an hour later and I called Mike to pick me up. He brought me to my car and I went to the pharmacy to get my pain killers and headed home. Needless to say, I missed both y lunch date and my eye appointment. It was a cruddy day, but today is a whole new day and I plan on trying to make the best of it. I contacted a lawyer and made an appointment to see a chiropractor today. We shall see what comes from this.

Free bird

2005-10-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

So things have been moving right along. I thought it would not be possible to move out of the house for at least another 2 months, but I will actually be set to go as soon as I can find an appartment. I don't think I have ever been this scared and excited about something in my life. There is this amazing energy oozing from wthin myself, and I can hardly contain it. Mike and I are getting along just fine. He seems good. He's been going out and spending time with friends and working, which is good. His eyes aren't all swollen like he's been crying, so it makes things easier on me.

Now me on the other hand, well I have been sitting home every night all night alone and bored. For years, I have sat around the house not going out...Mike hates going out...I think it is high time I get out and have me some fun! I called a friend who is also recently single and we are going to make plans to go out this weekend. I am looking forward to it. Maybe meet some hot guys...who knows eh? Probably not. Besides I'm not really interested in meeting anybody.

Thank you all for your encouragement during this time of distress for me. I don't know what I would do without all of you...

Not alone

2005-10-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Mike was talking to me and asking me where I was getting the strength to leave him. He thinks that I have someone lined up to take his place. (How wrong he is he will never know) He said something to the fact that women don't have strength on their own and that I must be getting it from somewhere because I am weak and don't posses the power to do it on my own...So I began to think about that statement.

As wrong as he is about a lot of things, he is partially correct here. For some time now I have posted daily updates about what an ass he is to me, and all of you have responded in such a positive way. I thank all of you personally for helping me see the light and giving such fabulous advice. Without all of your input, I might have stayed in this unhappy situation for many years to come.

Now I am a free bird. Oh how good it will feel to sleep in my very own place for that first night, all alone and unrepressed. I already have my theme song picked out for the day that I leave this house forever. "Leaving Las Vegas" Sheryl Crow. I intend to roll the windows down and blast it as loud as my speakers will go and drive off into the sunset singing along with Sheryl at the top of my lungs, grinning like a fool. Damn...Then I intend to get all dolled up and go out and pick a guy up and take him to my place and...Well, use your imagination...Just know that I will also be smiling then, heh.

Jeanne came home today. It was so good to see her and she was as happy to see me. I went to her place tonight and we laid around on her bed and watched a couple of movies and didn't have to talk. It was just nice to have company. Tomorrow we are going shopping. I think she needs me as much as I need her now. BTW, Cliff Castle casino on Wednesdays and Thursdays has the Chip 'N' Dales....Yeah baby we are going to raise some hell!

So again thank you for helping me get through, without you I don't know what I'd do...

on a lighter note...

2005-09-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

I spent most of tonight randomly surfing the web, looking for things to bring a smile to my face. There was alot that did just that. My ,ission tonight was to cheer ,yself up, not counting on anyone as a crutch. With the exception of a couple of IM exchanges, I did just that.

Perhaps I am on the road to self sufficiancy yet. Here is my website pick of the day. It made me smile more than I have in a few days. Hope it makes you laugh also. Enjoy...

Day of despair

2005-09-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

I told my mother today about the divorce. I hadn't planned on telling her until it was completely final, but I am in a bad way and desperately needed to talk .If I could have anticipated her reaction, I would never have opened my mouth. She was all negative and was completely unsupported of my decision. She disagrees with my decision to walk away from the house and property and doesn't have faith that I will financially make it on my own.

I swore to myself that I was going to be alright no matter what. I have been scared, but still confident that things will be ok. She has torn down my confidence and I am left shivering in my fabulous boots. I have yet to cry, I haven't cried in years though. I want to cry, the tears just won't come. I think my tear ducts have forgotten how. I feel shattered and beaten already and I haven't even crossed the threshold into my new life. I'm still being coddled by Mike, he's helping me handle everything. But reality is setting in, in part because of my mother. I may not be alright. I might fall on my ass. It is a very real possibility that I lose the business. I have about 4 months to find a commercial location that I can afford. If not, I'm in serious trouble. Mike wants to put the house up for sale within 6 months. When that happens, I will need to be out of the shop in the house. WTF am I supposed to do here?

These questions just keep circulating in my head and no resolution is within grasp. God, I am so scared. I am alone and have no support. I feel like my world is spinning out of my grasp. On the same coin, I read all my previous posts about how miserable I have been with Mike and know that ultimately I am making the correct decision. I think the hardest part for me is the loneliness...

Jeanne, my only single friend who has been away all summer will be arriving home either today or tomorrow. I hope she will help me get through this. I just need someone to sit by me and not say anything. No judging, no advice. Just a smile will help me I think.

*sigh* Well, I filed the petition today and I will serve Mike tonight. He will sign the service acceptance papers and on Monday I will go back to the clerk and from that moment all we have to do is wait. Tis almost over. It seems so simple in theory, doesn't it? It is way harder to actually do.

Now I will officially be labeled as a "divorcee"...Not quite sure how I feel about that. I think the bad times are just beginning...Dark days are ahead indeed. But I am a strong girl. I shall persevere, and I know that I am not the first person in the world to go through this. So...I'll be ok, despite what other people may think.

Really a new me?

2005-09-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

I was working this morning, but my heart just wasn't in it. Normally I spent an eternity with each dog, making sure everything is just right. I couldn't give a rats ass today though. Instead I was compiling a list of things that the next Mr. Right must be. I was worried that when I finally left Mike that my taste in men wouldn't change and that I might end up with another one of him...But these few weeks I have noticed not so subtle changes in my taste in men.

I always used to be attracted to the peacock. The cool guy, Mr. Rico Suave. The guy who would give me the cold shoulder. For some reason the meaner a guy was to me, the more hot for him I would be. Hence, Mike. I met him at a mutual friends house one night about 1 yr before we got together. I was dating his friend at the time. We were sitting on the couch while Mike and a few other people were across the room. All of the sudden I hear him say real loud to the guy I was with "Who are these sluts?"

I will never forget it as long as I live. Of course at that moment I hated him. A few months later we met under different circumstances and I knew what an ass he was, but I found myself drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I think I needed his strength. I needed a savior at that moment in time, and save me he did. He saved me from living in a very uncomfortable home setting, he saved me from my family and most importantly, he saved me from myself. At the time I was in severe self destruct mode.

I think this is where our relationship went wrong. He needed to save me as much as I needed to be saved. We have never tried to evolve our relationship from that base though.

So here I am eight years later, definitely a veteran in the matters of the heart. I believe I know what I want in a guy. I really want to be picky and not just choose the first guy that walks into my life, as I have already been dissatisfied...Case in point...That guy A. But I picked up on it immediately, so I feel like maybe I have learned my lesson and that I just might be ok.

So the list, you ask? Hmmm...I think some things are better left unsaid.

What a day...

2005-09-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

I will post pics of my new boots soon enough for you freak-as who wanna see 'em.

I had a very busy day. Lots of doggies and eve a cat. I made so much money today that I was abe to stash $60 into my secret stash fund. My mission is to really save as much as I can. I always keep a small fund just to have a little mad money, but now that things are different...well, you know. I have almost $300 saved already.

Otherwise not much else going on. We went to the lawyer and Friday I am going to the court to file the petition and all we have to do from there is wait.

Bette Davis eyes? No....

2005-09-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm done basking in the happiness of spending tons of money in a shopping spree. Loneliness is slowly and surely setting in yet again. I don't know how I'm going to get past this part, but I'm hanging in there. I think I'll feel a whole lot better once I am not in the same house as him, feeling like I'm being watched and judged. There is potentially a fun vaction on the horizon for someday. Hmmm...

But despite all the boring stuff things seem to be going my way. I found a REALLY hot pair of knee length boots. OMG they are killer and boy, oh, boy do I look good in 'em too. I am desperately searching for a short skirt to wear with them, but so far to no avail I can only wear short skirts because I am so short and anything longer than thigh length makes me look extra short and as someone once told me "dumpy". (Thank you very much bitch.) Don't worry, she paid dearly for saying that.

Hmmm. Well it was a real fun night. I laughed alot. I got some really cool pics (heehee) and I am oficially going to go to bed with a smile on my face. I have never been told that I have anime eyes before. It was a striking compliment, among a few other memorable ones...(limpid pools..*sigh*)

Well g'night kids. See ya on tha flip side!

Oh happy day!

2005-09-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last night Mike and I decided that it would only be fair of him to help me sey up, meaning getting me everything I will need for my own apartment. So we went to Best Buy in Prescott and bought me a new t.v. and notebook. I want to give a shout out to John at Best Buy fot showing me this notebook! It is the sweetest electronc I have ever owned! Ooooh Wheeeee! Is it fast! I just found out that I have a wireless signal at my house and so guess what folks? I'm flying without poopie old stoopid dial up. This baby zips through like a warm knife through butta!

I promised Suley that I would make mike pay for being a dick to me yesterday, and pay he did.Two thousand dollars later..and I have a whole shit load of fun electronics. I almost forgot to give a shout out to The Geek Squad at Best Buy, for without them, I'd still be setting this notebook up. Within 2 hours, they had installed everything, gotten rid of all that trial shit a new computer comes with, and basically all I had to do besides register with my information, just got to plug and play. At least I know everything is set up properly. Shit, this computer is sooooo sweet, I'm getting all hot thinkng about it.

It's the HP Pavillion zv6131 SWEET!

Ok, for now that's it. I'm flying high and feeling good for the first time in a few weeks. I want to thank all of you for your comments and support through this difficult time. Just know that I am really excited deep down, and that I know I'll be fine.
(fine is an anagram for: Frantic
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional...) But really, I'll be fine. Remember that the next time someone says they are fine and know what they are really saying. Hugs to you all.

The bottom has begun to fall out from under my feet

2005-09-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am finding out that he has been lying to me about numerous things, one of them being about money. He was always so big on trust. Insisted that we always be truthful about every stupid little thing. Swore he was always being truthful. I allowed him to handle the money since day 1. I hand over my paychecks and he disperses it as needed for the bills and such. I have never questioned him. I am finding out that he has taken advantage of the fact that I have always trusted him. He has been hiding money, and not just a little bit either. He told me yesterday that he has a secret stash of $28,000, and asked me if I wanted to get out now...The very next second he claimed he was "just kidding" and that he was trying to upset me. The thing is, that he couldn't keep from smiling, a dead giveaway that he was lying to me. He's going to send me out with a mere 10g's and have close to 30 plus in his pocket? I am more angry and hurt than I have ever been in my life. I don't know what to do at this point. Here I was just sitting here blind thinking we had no cash money and yet he's got a significant sum. How could I be so naive?

This is only confirming my decision to run as fast as I can. What a fool I am. Seriously, I just couldn't get any dumber. You know, people always told me he would do that...Hide money. I never believed it though because he was "Mr. Honesty" I had so much faith in him. The huge problem is that I have no way to prove he has this money and therefore I can't get my share of it. I am positive he has it in cash. He's also Mr. Cash. Only likes to use cash. Our bank account never has more than 2 grand in it at a time. It finally hit me just a few minutes ago, and the tears flowed. I am more angry at me for allowing him to have control of everything. Look where I am now. Hopefully lesson learned huh?

An omen?

2005-09-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

The word of the day for today is shambles. According to Merriam Webster Online the definition of shambles is as follows:

1: a place of slaughter or bloodshed
2: a scene or state of great destruction: wreckage
3: a scene or state of great disorder: mess

As in: My life without Mike will be in shambles?

Lets hope not. Let us pray that this is not an omen.

It's 3am I must be lonely

2005-09-24T03:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight is my first night sleeping alone in years. Since I have moved myself into the guest bedroom across the house from the master bedroom, it's just me and the cats and dogs. I thought that out of habit they would be sleeping with him, but they are loyal lil suckers. I have a pile of pets on top of the bed. Gosh, I just love them to pieces. I hope the next guy I date likes animals...

So I just woke up and am not really tired. The brain is going a million miles per second. Most of me knows that I am doing the right thing. I have never been fully happy and have never ever seen myself married to him for the rest of my life. There is just this one nagging voice whispering though, telling me to turn back and go the easy way. I am going to stay strong though and follow through. I need to. I will.

For those of you that do not know, we have been married for almost 3 years. January 17 will make the 3 year mark, though we have been together since I was just 17. I met him 2 months before I turned 17 and 5 months later I was living with his parents and him. We lived there for about 1 1/2 years and then got an apartment. About a year after we were in the apartment, he proposed out of the blue. I can honestly remember thinking...."OMG, I do not want to marry this guy.." We stayed engaged for 2 whole years and never once talked about setting a date and actually following through. We went to an engagement part for one of his uncles and his family applied pressure on us as to when we were going to finally take the plunge. So, that very night we decided to plan the wedding for January, only 4 or 5 months ahead. Sorta spur of the moment. It was fun and exciting until he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the planning, and even refused to comment on simple choices such as out wedding song. I planned the entire night myself, without the help of my mother, his mother or him. I should have taken that as a great big hint, but at the time I was so wrapped up in the excitement of the party, that I didn't stop and think what I was about to do.

After the wedding, the very next day we embarked on our honeymoon, which was to be our greatest decision. We drove around the country for about 6 weeks, with no real time schedule. We spent a lot of time in the southwest because during the months of January and February, it is cold in a majority od the country. Finally we arrived home sweet home and though it was FREEZING in comparison to the southwest, we were glad to be home. The temperature was 17 degrees compared to about 50 degrees during the day in Arizona. That night we looked at eachother and said "Let's move" besides we had such a great time on the honeymoon, we never wanted it to end. So within 10 days of our arrival back to New York, we were packed and on the road again. We had no jobs here, no family, no friends, no place to stay and not a lot of money. We had spent it all on the road. Within 4 hours of our arrival to Flagstaff, we had found jobs and an apartment.

6 months of living in Arizona, and we were doing really good. Things were so much cheaper than in NY. Car insurance was less than half the price for each month, rent was hundreds of dollars cheaper too. It soon became a reality that we would be able to buy a house, so we did. We ended up finding this new cute home in a real small town for a smoking price, and we jumped on it. Which pretty much brings us to today. Since we have been living here, he has got his contractors license and opened up a business of his own. He is an electrician and has 3 new trucks, 2 full time employees and makes killer money. I have opened the grooming shop out of the house and only have to work part time.

Throughout all of this there have been many warning signs, all of which I ignored. He has never been interested in what I have to say, we have virtually NOTHING in common and like I said from the beginning of our relationship I never really wanted to marry him in the first place, but I got so caught up in the bullshit, that I ignored everything my mind was telling me. So here we are, facing divorce now and I just feel scared because he is all I have ever known. He has handled virtually every aspect of my life as long as I have known him and I am afraid that I will fall on my ass without him holding me up. But I am excited about the possibilities opening up before me and intend to stay strong and be true to myself regardless of how ugly it gets. My heart says for me to leave. I can only be thankful that we never had children, unless of course, you count the cats and dogs...all of them who will be coming with me. So, Hopefully this has helped some of you understand a bit better the dynamics of our relationship. There is so much more there too, a lot of negative stuff, but I am choosing to remember us in a positive way, because I feel like I needed this experience to help me be who I am today.

And Adeline, a ree-ree is an endearing term I call my boxer, meaning retard. Sometimes I refer to myself as a ree-ree too.

2005-09-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

Okie dokie Suley here is a top ten list for you...this is my top ten favorite 80's movies. Enjoy...

1. The Neverending Story~ 1984 directed by Wolfgang Petersen: I remember seeing it in the theater on the big screen..I was only four and it is one of my earlies memories. It is DEFINITELY the first movie I remember seeing. LOVE IT!

2. A Christmas Story~ 1983 directed by Bob Clark : Who doesn't love this movie and it's great catch phrase that even today comes up in conversation frequently? "You'll shoot your eye out!" (singsong tone) And also the singing china men "Fa~ra~ra~ra~ra~Ra~ra~ra~ra!" to the tune of Deck The Halls. CLASSIC!

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off~ 1986 Written and directed by one of my favorite directors John Hughes : Starring Matthew Broderick...He was soooo cute!

4. Stand By Me ~1986 also (A GOOD year!) : Directed by Rob Reiner, starring River Phoenix and Corey Feldman...(and Jerry O'Connell...) There is something about boys going on a weekend trip to find a dead body that makes ME want to go camping! I just love this movie.

5. Goonies~1985: Directed by Spielberg and starring a whole bunch of cuties! This movie is soooo awesome, even by today's standards!

6. Coming To America~1988: Directed by John Landis, starring the amazing Eddie Murphy. The man is a friggin comic genius. I also love the reference to Trading Places with the appearance of Mortimer Duke and his brother Randolph from the 1983 classic.

7. Breakfast Club~1985: Directed by John Hughes starring Emelio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall...Love, Love, Love this movie!!!!! I have seen it more than 20 times and seem to enjoy it more each time!

8. Dirty Dancing~1987: Directed by Emiile Ardolino starring Patrick Swayze (hot hot hot in this movie!) and Jennifer Gray. Ah! The classic story of the privileged girl falling for the guy from the wrong side of the tracks...And "Nobody puts baby in the corner." (I did not understand that Penny was having an abortion until I was about 12 or so when the movie FINALLY made complete sense to me! I know, I am such a DORK!)

9. Say Anything~1989: Cameron Crowe's directing debut starring (once again!) John Cusack. A love story once again about 2 kids from different lifestyles falling in love. (I'm a sucker for love stories!)

10. Princess Bride~1987: Directed by Rob Reiner. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Favorite lines in the movie! This hysterical love story proves that true love does not have its limits. You'll laugh your ass off if you have never seen it!

Movies that are also my fave's that didn't make my Top Ten:

Footloose~1984 Directed by Herbert Ross starring Kevin Bacon. Who doesn't love a dancing movie?

Sixteen Candles~1984 Directed by none other than John Hughes. Yet another love story peppered with humor.

Adventures In Babysitting~ 1987 Directed by Chris Columbus starring Elizabeth Shue. Madness ensues on a supposedly easy babysitting job. Fun!

Trading Places~1983 Directed by John Landis. The story of the Duke brothers who wager they can take a street thug and turn him into a wise business man and vice versa.

UHF-I am unsure about the year. This movie is just freaking hysterical. For those of you who have seen it, I salute you. If yuo have never heard of it...get your ass to the video store and see it.

Oh, what a strange day indeed

2005-09-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

Today as you may or may not know, I went to the courthouse today and picked up the divorce packet and paid them their five bucks. Whenever it comes time to file I'll have to pay $117 for filing and crap, but I am feeling good about getting the ball rolling. When I came home from Prescott, I began moving my belongings into the guest bedroom where I now reside. I feel good about this decision and he has been taking it real well. We both know that it just isn't working.

So, moving right along. I want to let you know that I gave J. Star my mailing address to send me a postcard from the Badlands. I just received it today. I want to give a shout out to J. And say I hope you are having a freaking blast and that we all miss you.

And that is about it for today. Pretty much this divorce is consuming me, and I am just trying to sort my feelings about what my future holds. I am scared and happy and excited all rolled into one big nervous ball. So soon I will be free. I wonder what (or should I say who) will be my first conquest. I'm gonna go buck wild y'all!!!!!!

And so it begins.

2005-09-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

Ho hum, here I go. Off to begin the paper filing...

Divorce sucks. I'll never get married again. It is more than just a peice of paper. Why didn't someone tell me this earlier?

Oops I did it again...

2005-09-22T18:45:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been full of tumutulous ups and downs. You all know that I am competely miserable in my marriage. I have stated that I am leaving him at ;east 3 times now in the past 2 weeks. Every time I mean it too...But for some stupid reason, I patch things up and attempt to keep on keepin on. When asked by virtually everyone why?, the only answer I could summon was a lame "I don't know..."

Well, I am finally fessing up to the reason. Here is one of my dirty little secrets. I have stayed wiht him as long as I have because he keeps me from wanting materialistic things. I don't ever have to worry about money, if I see something I want, I almost always get it. The truth is that I have been using him. And I am afraid after having been coddled that I am going to fall flat on my ass in the real world.

He came home tonight and said that he thinks we should split and that he is tired of me using him...The only thought that went through my head "OMG...He knows the truth!" And seeing as he knows the truth, I figured I might as well put it out there for everyone to see. So now you know. I am a hateful, hideous user.

And when I say I did it again, I mean I managed to push away the only person on this forsaken planet who gives a damn. And I totally deserve whatever I get...

Another melancholy day in the sad, sad life of me:

2005-09-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need a theme song today. The song that best reflects me today is G'N'R "Don't Cry" It represents me in the sense that he is singing about me. Take a gander at all the lyrics here.

*Sigh* If only life were that easy. If only he would let me go. If only I cold leave. It's terrible to live in a world that thrives on "what-if's" because I'm not really living at all. Yea, new topic...

The word of the day today was simpatico. I think it is such a beautiful word. It has a very melodic sound. Simpatico...

Anyway, my hand is doing ok. It is still very swollen and still oozing puss. I am not worried though. I know to keep a nose out for the smell of chestnuts (thanks Suley) and it has yet to smell of anything. To answer Christian's question, I am a dog groomer, which is why getting bit is an occupational hazard, though I have only got bit once before, years ago.

And to answer some other questions about what I fear, well lets just say that I absolutely cannot say. It should suffice you to know that even talking about it could make the fear more real. If that makes any sense at all. Please do not worry though cause I am one tough cookie and can handle my shiznit!

Also thanks to those of you who rebuked my statement about me being a loser. While it is nice of you to say, I still disagree. Who else but a loser stays in an emotionally and sexually void marriage because of fear of something as silly as being alone? I realize that I keep harping on these same issues here, but until I can resolve them I am stuck...If only life were easier huh? And if only I wasn't a meek and mild mouse and stood up for myself and did what it takes to make me happy... Again with the "what-if's"... There are just so many of them, they are never far from my thoughts.

Hope Y'all out there in blog-land are having a good day. Toodeloo.

"I wanna cry but I gotta laugh..."

2005-09-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

From the STP song Big Bang Baby..."Does anybody know how the story really goes or do we all just hum along..."

I had a post all typed up and ready to go, when I tried to save it, the whole thing went haywire. Apparently Blogger was doing some scheduled maintenance...Of which I had no idea, so my post was lost. Instead of typing it all over again, I'll give it to you in a nutshell...

I am a boring, sad, lonely loser.

I got bit by a dog today and my hand has swollen up like a balloon. My darling ( can you hear the sarcasm?) husband declared me "unprofessional" for having gotten bit. (I would like to mention here that in the few years I have been doing this I have only gotten bit one other time. Besides It's an occupational hazard.) And basically I began to think as hard as I possibly can and even though I realize the idea is ridiculous, I almost believe it and have been second guessing my judgment all day since...

And I am also afraid. Of what, you ask? Oh, sorry but I am too afraid to say...

That's pretty much, in not as many words, what the post said. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and *poof* be someone else. I am a sad loser...

dial up sucks~

2005-09-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

For those of you that know I am running on rinky dink old school poopie dial up, I think I will be getting DSL real soon! Finally...Dial up sucks and half the time my speed is less than 50K. So yay for me and yay for high speed internet!

"Secrets? I have no secrets"

2005-09-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Everybody has secrets. Deep, dark, embarassing secrets. Things so horrible you think you would die if anyone else knew. I have lots of these type of secrets. When I started blogging a while back, I had intended to use it as my way to purge, because somehow I needed to get things off my chest. There was no where else for me to turn. I thought "hey, I'm annonymous. I can say whatever the fuck I want..." But after all this time, I am beginning to think there is no safe place for me to purge and be rid of these hateful sins...If I can't do it in my own journal, then what is left? Where can I feel safe?

So I guess it will just have to be enough to say that yes, I have secrets. Juicy, even sexy secrets. I know you want to know. Everyone likes hearing secrets. But I will never tell...

2005-09-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

I feel terrible...I scared J.Star's readers away! I sent Suley a post to put up on The Melodrama Jukebox and it scared away the masses! It has sort been on my mind since it was posted...

In other news, I just found out today that my old job is crumbling to pieces. People are being layed off left and right and the business has a one way ticket to failure. Pretty much any day now will be the last tour the company ever does. I feel real sad about that. I had a special loyalty to the company, they were the underdone swimming in a pool full of sharks. For a split scene, we were on top. It seemed like finally we had gotten respect from the locals and tourists were loving what we were providing. Somewhere along the line things changed. I wish I knew what went wrong, but I remember sensing the change in the air about 1 year ago, which is the reason I finally decided to open my own business. I felt unstable and underprivileged, like most Americans, I suppose...I was so happy to finally be rid of the company and haven't given them much thought until I received an e-mail from an ex co-worker...in fact the very same woman who nick named me Jenellie Bean. She told me of the decline surrounding the company in the last week or so. Instead of feeling smug for predicting correctly, I just feel sick to the core of me.

Alot of people will be losing their jobs. We live in a very small area...not as much potential for high paying jobs. I just mourn for these people who were loyal to the owner, Bradshaw, to the very bitter end. I also feel relieved that I bailed when I did. I am well established and haven't missed a beat. I is sickening though...

I have a semi busy week coming up which is good. Maybe if I stay busy my idiodic roaming thoughts will dissappear, and i can forget what a retard I am...

I don't think I will finish the story fot J.Star's blog. Maybe I will post it here instead. At least if I scare y'all away I won't feel so bad. Over and out peeps!

Finally, the list you have all been waiting for...

2005-09-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, here is that music meme that Suley tagged me for. Finally had time to sit down and pound it out. Enjoy!

1. How many cds, tapes, records, eight tracks, reel-to-reels, etc. do you own?

Currently I own onder 20 CD's, and about 100 tapes (none of which I lilsten too any more). The reason for the lack of CD's is that a couple of years ago Mike drove my car and took my CD case with every album I ever loved in it, and put it on the roof of the car and drove away. It was never to be seen again...major score for some lucky SOB! So slowly I am replacing the albums that have always meant the most. Plus now that songs can be downloaded individually, I tend to pick my favorite songs instead...

2. Last musical recording you bought (itunes count, too)

The last recording I bought was actually just last night. It is Robert Plant's Pricipla Of Moments. I would have downloaded it, but for whatever stinkin reason is not available either as individual songs nor a full album download. The only plac earound here for music is Walmart for at least 60 miles. I am sure you all know how Walmart is about their music selection...Nuff said. So last night we went to Flagstaff where there is a music store. Luckily I found it! The heavens sang... (Hallelujia!)

3. Last album I listened to from beginning to end

Just this morning I felt so inclined for Robbie Robertson, Music For The Native Americans. WOW. This album always blows me away. It is a combination of old school indian chants mixed with modern beats and instruments. You still have the indian drums and flutes, so there is this authentic feel to it. Not only are there chants, but real songs. Like the sond entitled "It Is A Good Day To Die". Basically the singer is the tribe's chief and their village is being surrounded by US soldiers. His people are scared and know the purpose of the soldiers is to put them on a reservation. The chief is telling his poeple not to be scared. That it ia a good day to die. Damn. For real this album is one for the collection. Check out the lyrics for this song here.

4. Six songs that mean a lot to me.

Well, I think that I have a whole lot more than 6 songs, but I will try...

1. Van Morrison's "Into The Mystic" The vocals alone are enough to mello you out, but the lyrics just top it off to make it one of my all time favorite songs.

2. Pink Floyd "Wish You Were Here". Just brings back so many memories...Pretty much the whole album Dark Side Of The Moon is amazing, but this song is just so fantastic if I could only pick one.

3. Phil Collins "In The Air Tonight"...What can I say but OOOOOOOOH WHEEE! The drum solo in it is so awesome that for years I wanted to learn to play just so I could pound it out along with the song! I always have to listen to this song at FULL BLAST and is the reason I have blown speakers on pretty much any listening device I own...

4. U2 "With Or Without You". Ok, I don't think I even need to give a reason. This song just rocks.

5. Cat Stevens "Wild World". I was truly a strange child. Most kids my age were into the pop music of the time...MC Hammer era. I was truly into the old stuff. My mom had a Cat Stevens tape that she listened to once in a while. I liked him so much that I stole her tape and listened to it EVERY day for a year. I always loved this particular song, though anything he sings is amazing.

6. Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under The Bridge" I remember the first time I heard this song was on a camping trip with my best friend . we were staying at a campground near the water where we met these boys. A bit older than us but they were HOT! I had my first real kiss that weekend. Whenever I hear this song I think of that kiss with...whatever his name was.

5. Songs or Albums I would consider my "guilty pleasure." These are the recordings you love but are afraid to admit it...

Hole: Live Through This. I know how everyone feels about Courtney Love, but she sings her guts out. I listen to this album when I am royally pissed at the world. I know she is relating to me.

Mr.Big "To Be With You" OMG I totally love this song. I just turn it down while sitting at lights cause I don't want anyone to know!

Anything by 50 Cent!

N'Sync...I just love Justin Timberlake...heeheehee

ummm, that is all I am willing to disclose at this time.

6. Who are the bloggers you are passing this on to?

Almost everyone has been tagged already with the exception of XinriX. I would like to remind Fitena that she was also tagged. I am realinterested to see your taste!

a somber birthday indeed

2005-09-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a jerk. Sometimes I can act like such an idiot. I don't know if you know this or not, but I primarily live in the moment. Whatever emotion I am feeling at a particular time, I believe I will feel it for the rest of my life. Then I proceed to make rediculous comments and act a fool. I wish I could rewind these last few days and have a re-do. *sigh* I realize that I have been bitching alot and after today I SWEAR I wont write anything else depressing...for a while at least.

The only album that will do for such an occasion as this is Counting Crows August And Every Thing After. Every song is perfect for me. It's like these songs were written just for me. I think my favorite song on the album is Anna Begins...It is so friggin poignant. His lyrics really get you in the booboo... Check 'em out...

Lyrics for Anna Begins:

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."

I am not worried I am not overly concerned

My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception."

I am not worried

Wrap her up in a package of lies

Send her off to a coconut island

I am not worried I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions

"Oh," she says, "you're changing."

But we're always changing

It does not bother me to say this isn't love

Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love

And I guess I'm going to have to live with that

But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,

Something in between, And I can always change my name

If that's what you mean

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."

But I am not really worried I am not overly concerned

You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself

To make yourself forget I am not worried

"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to think about the consequences."

She can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her and...

This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind

"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days,"

she saysAnd I'm not ready for this sort of thing

But I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore

I'm not going to bend, and I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."But it's not all that easy so maybe I should

Snap her up in a butterfly net Pin her down on a photograph album

I am not worried I've done this sort of thing before

But then I start to think about the consequences

Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...The time when kindness falls like rain

It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind

And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love andOh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

She's talking in her sleep

It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn

And every word is nonsense but I understand andOh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Her kindness bangs a gong

It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away

It's chasing me away

She disappears andOh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

If nothing else, I'll always have this album...Thank you guys also for your comments. It feels good to know ya'll got my back!

I'll be guest posting on Trampoline Tricks sometime within the next few days!

Sometimes I feel like a nut...Sometimes I don't

2005-09-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so those of you that were here earlier know what the previous post for the day said. I deleted it because I feel like a poop...

Why is it that this is so hard for me? Most days I complain about Mike and what an ass he can be. But when push comes to shove, I find myself crawling back with my tail between my legs, realizing that I am going to be all alone in the great wide world. I live in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do and no friends to speak of, I worry that I will become an old maid. I love him...Really I do. It's just that I feel like maybe there is someone even better than him. But if I look at the life I have now and all of the perks...I have things that I almost couldn't live without. Which would mean that I would need a rich man. But this is all not the point. I am driving him away on a hunch, because there is some unrest in my heart. I feel like I am chasing a rainbow, looking desperately for the end.

I am just confused as shit. If I leave, will I only find that the unhappiness part is lying deep within myself? If this is the case, then why would I leave a man who takes great care of me? And leave everything behind I have grown accustomed to? *sigh*

Dear friends, I am at a fork in the road. To the left is my life with Mike...Stable, comfortable and predictable. EASY. This folks, is my easy street...To the right is the rainbow road. It is a seemingly attractive road with great promise of actually catching that rainbow...But who ever catches a rainbow? It isn't physically possible...

Which road do I take? Which road will bring me happiness, if either at all? I can't just stand here, at this intersection forever contemplating. A decision must be made. Which shall I choose? Which would you choose were you in my shoes?

Some news

2005-09-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry to have been absent. These past few days have been chock full of surprises. Some good, some not so good. I want to start off by getting you all up to speed. as you may know this past weekend I attempted to call things off with Mike. But as I stated, he got real upset and I can't stand to see him like that. This has been a decision in the making for years now as I am sure I have mentioned...I just never have been able to follow through.

So, I started tis week off on a sombre note, dreading the drudgery of my everyday life. Wishing things were different...And then it happened. On Tuesday I awoke to the sound of my dogs barking. I got out of bed to see what the fuss was about to find 2 akitas in the yard. Typically, I step out and shoo any dogs away, but instead of running away, they came bounding into my arms! I felt bad about just letting thm loose on the streets and they had no tags so I decided to hang onto them until I could find their owner. I made a giant cardboard sign and posted it out in fromt of the house. It said: "FOUND...2 large dogs. male and female. Knock on door or call...(and my cell #)"

It wasnt until 10 that I thought to call the pound and notify them that if anyone calls looking for theses dogs that I had them. The woman at the shelter said she might know these dogs because they had been picked up once before. She said that she would call me back later if she could track the number. I figured that it would be an hour so I jumped in the shower. While in there, the phone rang, but I wasnt in the mood to interrupt my shower so I let it ring. About 5 minutes later i got out and again the phone rang. It was a local # and I assumed it was a customer. I answered it and the guy on the other end asked for me. He said that the shelter had called him and that the dogs were his grandmothers. That he had picked them up before for her. When we got off the phone I listened to my voicemail left by the woman at the shelter. The number she gave me was different from the number this guy had called me from. Both were local numver too not cell numbers...

Anyway he arrived at the house 15 minutes later. He came up the driveway and shook my hand andI thought O...M...G...He was so handsome. I was nervous and began gushing about how beautiful the dogs are and blah blah blah...He suddenly asked me if i wanted to see their father who he claimed was even prettier. I was nervous and uncertain, but agreed to it. It seemed like fun, so I jumped in the cab of his truck and off we went to his grandmothers.

Almost instantly he began telling me about his wife and how they had just split up 3 weeks ago. I felt compelled to let him know I sorta understood and blabbed that Mike and I were also on the verge of splitting...After meeting the dog and locking all 3 safely behind the gate at his grandmothers, he drove me home. I felt so comfortable in his prescence and told him my situation. I didn't want him to leave so as an excuse I asked him to come meet my dogs. He didn't even hesitate. We stood on the driveway and talked for almost an hour. Before he left he asked me for a business card for his grandmother. I gave him 2 hoping he would keep one for himself. As he wa swalking away, he asked if i would give him my e-mail address. I did.

An hour later he e-mailed me just saying hi. I have been flying high ever since. He has made me feel so special and beautiful. He has made me see that the way I feel with Mike is not normal and that I can be happy. So it sorta helped catapult me out of my indecisive mind and into action mode.

Mike and I will be seperating and getting a divorce. It will be about 3 months before I can acutally move. He is going to help me by setting my business up in a store front, finding an apartment and putting the first moths crap down, replacing the brakes and tires ($800 for the tires alone!) on my car and will be giving me $10g's in my own personal account. In exchange, I am going to accept that as my portion of the spoils. He gets everything else. It was my decision and my terms and he agreed. It is priceless for him to help me with all of those things. Money wont do me any good. Besides he is the one who has worked so hard for all that we have. He deserves it. If we were to liquidate, we would probably have about $300g's if not more. But, Cest la vie, right?

So to sum up,I am not leaving Mike for this guy. Not to say there isnt potential for something, but that I really do need just Jenelle time. No distractions...except for a lil nookie from my new buddy...heeheehee.

I am really excited and also a bit scared. I have never been alone or taken care of responsibility, but this will be a test to myself and I refuse to fail. Mike believes that it will become too much for me and that I will come running back into his arms. I will prove him wrong. But I digress...I really am going because if I stay with Mike, I will continue to feel like life is slipping away and maybe for once in my life I will be able to stop wishing for my life to start because I will realize that I am living it.

After talking to A. for the past few days till the wee hours of the night via IM, I have learned that he invited me to his grandmas house purely to get to know me. He also asked me for a card for himself...I just feel like ...DAMN....Oooohhhhhh Wheeee! I mean the sparks just fly. He will be coming over today for a little while to hang and say hi. I am not telling Mike about this because it will destroy the balance we have been keeping.He only asked me to pretend that we are still married as long as I live with him, to which I agreed. I would never cheat on him and as long as we are posing as a married couple I will honor that. Todays visit from A will be purely innocent and friendly. I intend to get to the music meme soon Suley...promise. I am just so wrapped up in emotion, both good and bad right now...I am sure you understand. I will perform my duites as minister of Dog-Blog Affairs and try and do you proud. Heeheehee. Ok children, thanks for stopping by.

Walking on sunshine...

2005-09-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

And don't it feel good? I feel more alive than I have in years. I don't feel like an old maid, but a beautiful young princess...Why haven't I felt this good in years?

(sunrise at the Grand Canyon earlier this year)

a shocking revelation...

2005-09-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of reflection for me. Unfortunately it got me nowhere. I am still at stalemate, torn between the life I want and the life I lead. But enough about unpleasantries...

Can anyone tell me where these lines are from? "Our yaks are really large and they smell like rotting beef carcasses..." Been running through my head like a broken record all day.

I was lisening to the radio station today while I was working. The dj mentioned that while 24 percent of college girls would cheat on their boyfriends with Brad Pitt, 65 percent would rather cheat with Angelina Jolie. Those lips...GOD!

I personally prefer Drew Barrymore...nuff said!

And the winner is...

2005-09-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Ok guys, this was a toughie! The Sentence Game for the word : odoius has oficially ended. Thank you all for playing and keep your eyes open for the next word!

Suley, your skillz are, indeed mad, and I do love this sentence. It is peppery, if that makes any sense? "Although her speech with the duchess was quite melodious, her manner with the servants was decidedly odious." Suley, Super sweet!
The deal was sealed, then at the last minute, J.Star came along and gave you a run for your money!
"If I could carve out the way I really feel and put it on a pedestal for other people to see, its sheer odiousness would boggle the senses, scattering far and wide those who chanced upon it." J.Star, Just beautiful!

It was a toss up really, because while they are both so different, each caught my interest. The winner (of which I am bound by the rules to pick only one...Hey, I don't make the rules, I only enforce them!) is...J.Star!

I had sooo much fun with this, you all were so creative! I decided to make this at least a bi-weekly contest. So, J. Claim your prize...Whatever you wish!

And in other news, it has been a strange sort of weekend. M. On Saturday cajoled me into admitting that I am so unsure of us and that I would like to move out of the house. I can't tell you how devastated he was. It hurt so much to see his pain. Everytime I get the courage to end it all, I always cave because I can't stand to see him so bent up. He always tries to remain strong and promises to help me financially without a fight. He always wishes the best for me and swears that no matter what, even 5 years down the road, if for any reason I change my mind, that I always have a place with him. This would be the 3rd major time that I called it quits and every time it gets harder and harder.

I am concerned about my happiness in the future with him. He is bossy and obnoxious at times. He can seem uncaring and distant, but he never means to be malicious. I truly in my heart believe he is not the one for me, yet he is so adamant that I am the only for him. He is genuinely torn apart and it kills me. I don't wish to harm him and so I give in to him because I think to myself "how the fuck can you stand there while this man actually cries and pledges to love you forever no matter what? How can you selfishly just turn around and walk away leaving him so broken?"

It is just so much easier to scoop him in my arms and decide to suck it up and keep on keepin' on. It seems like the thing to do at the time, but as always, the regret for myself is beginning to sink in. The disappointment in myself for being weak. I am so damn torn. I get excited at the prospect of living in an apartment on my own and just proving to myself that I can take care of me. I envision that I could be happy not having to worry what he thinks all the time, the freedom to make decisions for myself. Theses are the things that attract me away from him. And the prospect of falling in love again, for the feeling of butterflies in the stomach, that high school giddiness that always accompanies a new relationship. Here I am married and settled into a life where my future is so fucking predictable when it's the last thing I want. Is that a selfish way to think?

He works so hard for "us" and I could care less. I am really a cold bitch. I think about having sex with other people, and staying out sometimes and traveling on a whim. I'll never do these things as long as I stay with him, yet I simply can not bring myself to go. It is so complicated. I had envisioned a different life for myself. I never thought I'd be tied down, and look where I am today. I am stuck and don't know what the right thing to do is.

So I am sitting here, slightly depressed, wondering what tomorrow brings. Hoping I can only feel the same way about him that he feels about me. But I know that hoping isn't going to do me any good. After 8 years you would think that you should know if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, right? Well I think I do know...But would I be making the right decision? For both me and him? Doesn't he deserve some amount of fairness? And to not have his life shattered because I have selfish needs and desires?

The Sentence Game

2005-09-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

Ok class, the word for today is : ODIOUS

odious/ OH-dee-us/ adjective: arousing or deserving hatred or repugnance : hateful

I would like for each of you to write a creative sentencece using this word. Whoever has the best sentencece according to me (since after all it is my contest), will win something wondrous. I just don't know what yet. Perhaps we shall let the winner choose their prize eh? Let the games begin!

Today I feel melancholy...

2005-09-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

Crazy Cleo...my monkey face!

2005-09-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight Cleo got a bug up her arse and began running like a crazed lunatic throughout the house, trampling poor Curtis and the cats in the process. She really makes me laugh, her tongue was lolling out the side of her mouth and she had this shit eating grin on her face. If she could talk people she'd have been saying "Here I come! Get outta my way or I'll nip at ya and trample you too!" She is such a goober...(which happens to be anacronym for booger which is so fitting for her!) I just wish i had a picture of her tearing ass for you guys to see.

Does anyone know why my profile and junk is all the way at the bottom of this page? GRRRRR...blah! *wink*...here's looking at you kid!

Well I am glad you all enjoyed my list. Yes, I can be one sadistic biatch! Watch out now! I'm a firecracker! Cant wait for XinriX and Tatuski to finish theirs. Saphenous, you are a demented genious! Cheers! Good night and Sleep tight. I am sure I wont...sleep tight, that is!

Tonight's theme song is Sleep To Dream by Fiona Apple from her 1997 debut album Tidal:

I tell you how I feel, but you don't care

I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare

You say love is a hell you cannot bear

And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care
I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream

You got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem

This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways

So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
I have never been so insulted in all my life

I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride

First you run like a fool just to be at my side

And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I can't abide
I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream

You got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem

This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways

So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
Don't make it a big deal, don't be so sensitive

We're not playing a game anymore; you don't have to be so defensive

Don't you plead me your case, don't bother to explain

Don't even show me your face, 'cuz it's a crying shame

Just go back to the rock from under which you came

Take the sorrow you gave and all the stakes you claim - And don't forget the blame
I got my feet on the ground, and I don't go to sleep to dream

You got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem

This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways

So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise

P.S. XinriX...being skinned like chicken was a great visual. It gave me the *willies* sheesh. cant wait to see that list. (chuckles)

The List:

2005-09-08T07:49:00.000-07:00

Ok kiddies, to counter act the last post, here is something a bit more light hearted....Top Ten Worst Ways To Die....Drumroll please..............................................................................................................

10. Being marooned

9. Burning while completely doused in gasoline. Effective and painful!

8. Getting ripped apart by a pack of wolverine (or is it wolverines?) Although highly unlikely, it would still be horrific!

7. Being buried alive...This is a real fear of mine...

6. Slowly being lowered into a vat of boiling oil. Yikes kiddies!

5. The Virgin of Nuremberg

4. Placing a rat in a bottomless cage upon intended victim's chest. The cage is heated and the rat is left with no place to go but down...this is the real deal boys and girls...

3. The head crusher...nuff said!

2. Hitler's gas chamber

and the number 1 worst way to die is......

1. Take a pencil thin glass rod and dip it in vaseline. Proceed to insert into erect penis. (Oh it gets worse!) Grab the penis and break the glass inside. If that wasn't enough, cauderize the anus shut, and force feed the victim, thus slowly killing your victim with fecal impaction! Nice!

Ok, now on to the fun part of this; who shall I pick next?

1) XiniriX...(cause I know how you just love these)hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) tatuski....This will be good!!!!

I really can't think of anyone who hasn't been tagged already besides these 2 that would even consider doing this.

Third post today...

2005-09-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

I have been a slave to the internet as of lately. Gawd! 3rd posting for the day...If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm kinda kooky. Hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Well it has been an interesting night, to say the least. Mike came home in a pissy mood because work is slowing down. He had to lay an employee off last week, and it's not looking so good for his 2 remaining full time guys. He was unable to take a paycheck last week so he could pay his guys and so he worries. And how does he vent his troubled brain, you may ask yourself...Ah, I shall tell you. He vents on me. Tries to make me feel as bad as he does...To make me feel his emotional pain. The thing is, that I see right through him. I know his motivation, and it just makes me wanna scream. I have NEVER taken my frustration out on him, or anyone else for that matter. *sigh* No use talking about it anyway, sometimes talking brings up all the bad things that are best left "forgotten".

I was asked a question earlier today, and did not have time to answer it. The question was whether a zebra is black with white stripes, or white with black stripes. I think it is the latter; white with black stripes. What do y'all think?

Jeanne called me today, she'll be home sometime in the first week of October. I can hardly wait. I won't be forced to sit in front of the tv every night with Mike, rotting away like the rest of America. When she is here, I go to her house and hang out till late. We mostly just bull she*t about nothing, but it sure beats the hell outta watchin tv. I don't know. I guess I'm going through a real rough patch here. Same old crap though, no need to keep babbling on about it. Does me no flippin good. I'm really hoping that my 25th year will be a better year that the last. I am a stronger person now, I should be able to make it work. The plastic smile only holds for so long before it begins to crack...CMHL knows all about plastic smiles...hell, I am sure all of you do. I'm hoping brighter days come soon. I don't want the world to see me not smiling. I don't think I would be able to handle not seeing myself smile. I constantly have this internal dialogue...a tape that plays the same thing over and over and over. "Smile. Keep your head up. Tomorrow is another day. Don't let the bad things get you down. It's not that bad. Ignore it and it will go away. Smile. Smile. Smile...." Honestly, I just wanna smash that fucking recorder till it can't play anymore...Except I can't.

I had a serious breakdown this past Saturday. I had written all about it but then something happened with my internet connection while I was saving it and all of the words were lost. Mike and I were arguing about something. He was getting on my case about everything from the way I fold the damn laundry to the way I wash the floor. This thing I don't do enough of. That thing is always bothering him...blah blah blah. He was also getting on my case about leaving my sewing machine on the kitchen table. I leave it out because if I put it away, I won't pull it out for another 2 moths or so. He knows that. So anyway,he started with me and then said that he didn't want to spend another minute with me...So he walked out of the house, leaving a huge mess in the kitchen behind him.

After he was gone, I began cleaning up. Putting dishes in the machine, when all of a sudden a huge burst of rage came from within. I began tossing dishes into the sink, not satisfied until they were all broken. Then I began smashing the dishwasher door open and closed, hoping it would fall off it's hinges. Never before had I been so angry before...EVER. It was scary and liberating all at the same time. I couldn't turn it off though. I was so mad and hurt by Mike's words, that I began hitting myself in the head with clenched fists. Why I did this, I do not know, but it certainly sobered me a bit.

These past few days I have felt subdued and shallow, like I had screamed all of my motivation right out of me. But tonight, I feel that rage, bubbling, just begging to be let out. I kinda like it, this new part of me. I am afraid though that if he pisses me off with his snide remarks and looks and all of his digs, that I just might haul off and attempt to kick his ass...And that would not be a good thing cause then we would be right back where we used to be. A place neither of us really wants to go. Only now, I have the strength emotionally to fight back.

Just staring at the blinking cursor...Wishing I had not just written that, but also chicken shit to erase it. I think it's time to just let all of it go, and if I can't do it in my own journal, then where can I release this? You don't have to read it. Just check the little box at the top corner. I can't just check out quite as easily, unfortunately. It's a lot harder than that. He's been good since last month we had that talk, the one I wrote about on my last blog, but now that he's under stress we are back to square one. Two steps forward, one step back, eh?

Ah, such is life. I am really tired and am seriously over reacting at this point, but I sincerely feel like I want to kill someone. Is this normal? Aw hell, it'll all blow over by morning. Luckily, I have gumdrops and lollipops dancing in my head and this fucking recorder..."Smile..." Yea, it'll be alright. Thanks for listening.

Might as well face it, you're addicted to Blog

2005-09-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but this song has been replaying through my brain all day. "Addicted To Love" Reminds me of an episode of Beverly Hills 90210. There was this episode where the girls (Brenda, Kelly, Donna and some other chick who was not a major character) performed this song onstage, all dressed in tight black dresses with their hair slicked back and red lipstick, just like Robert Palmer's video. Friggin good times. Did anyone else watch that show?

I am still working on that list, which is proving harder than I had first thought!

I am having serious computer issues. It just isn't working right and I can't figure out why. I feel like throwing it out and buying a new one...not that this one is old. Just bought it last year, new, but there always seems to be something wrong with it . Next time, I'm gonna buy a Dell.

I am seriously addicted to blogging. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Formal retraction

2005-09-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

I would like to formally retract the statement about IMing sucking. I finally got it to work after about an hour or so of fiddling around. When I finally got it to work, it was actually pretty cool. Am I a big dork for never having used it before? Oh well. If I'm not a dork for that then there is surely something else lurking around the corner just waiting to prove I am a dork. Anyway, I made a new friend last night and it was good.

In response to some of the comments...

Suley: I just love the word facetious. The chance to use it rarely comes up...So kudos to you!

CMHL: While I got the skills to pat the bills, a lot of customers are not open to doing something different. Since there are a lot of burrs and other prickly things, most people want a "shave down", which, by the way, I ABHOR doing. The next time I get a great customer who is cool, I'll show you some funk! Until then, I'll post some of my most dramatic before and afters!

This is Blanco the Bichon Frise. It is his first haircut! I had to shave his whole body because he was severely matted, but normally with a bichon i shorten the body and scissor the legs. Notice his beautifully rounded head. ALOT of scissoring went into making his head look like that!

Suley & Fitena: I only dream about being Edward Scissorhands. He is my idol, scars and everything!

Ok, I would really like to get in on the "worst ways to die" list, but I'm gonna have to stew a bit first. BTW, guys, funny shiznit!

Later!

instant messaging sucks...

2005-09-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

I have never tried IMing and I tried it tonight, but it seemd to be broken. maybe I don't know WTF I'm doing...*sigh*

Anyway, not much going on. It was a long ass day today, people all butt hurt cause I refuse to groom their dog like the other crappy groomer in town. I just do not want someone looking at a dog with an assinine haircut and it reflecting on me. Cause that's what will happen. I have flair and style and know how to use my scissors. Cutting dogs hair is like sculpting to me, especially a dog like a bichon or poodle. The other lady has no pride and does not care if a dog leaves looking like a freak. Well, I friggin do and I won't be bullied by anyone into going against my principals. If it was a somewhat decent haircut, I'd be happy to oblige, but not some weirdo ugly cut, no effin way homie.

Sorry to dissapoint with my choices of books...I'm in a bit of a sour mood. so I'm gonna go before this turn into a bitchy post...GRRRRRRRRRGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

My newest addiction

2005-09-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

So the FOX network has done it again! I am really liking their new show Prison Break. It is friggin awesome. A clean version of HBO's Oz (which was my fav. show when I had cable). It is my newest obsession besides the Urban Rebounder.

I am glad y'all like the new site. I picked VanGogh's Starry Night because it is my favorite impressionistic painting of all time. I had first seen a picture in a book of my grandpa's when I was a real little girl. I read his bio and even though I thought he was a weirdo personally, I loved his work. So, when I think of art, I think VanGogh. I just love him and especially this painting. I actually have those sun shades with Starry Night on them.

Okie- dokie Suley! Here is your meme...I wonder, just why might you be scared? Mwahaha!

1. Number of Books you have owned. When I was a young and lived with my mother, I had an awesome room. I had bookshelves lining the walls and also built into my headboard. I remember counting and in my itty bitty room, I had over 300 books. For a later post, I'll tell you the sad story about what happened that causes me not to value physical objects and what happened to my awesome collection...that is, of course, if you want to know.

.2. Last book I bought. Since the afore mentioned incident(s) I no longer purchase books. Again if asked I might indulge you...

3. Last book I completed. ...Been a while I must confess. I haven't been reading like I used to. I used to read 2-3 books a week. I go through phases. When the cool weather comes round again, it'll be "snuggle up in bed with a book" time. But sorry, I can not remember the last book I read.

4. Five books that mean a lot to me.

With You And Without You: by Ann Matthews Martin

This happens to be (probably) my all time favorite book ever. It is the coming of age story of Liza O'Hara and how she and her family must come to terms with her father dying. A real tear jerker. (I just read the review that some pinhead wrote about it and disagree whole heartedly!) A definite must-read!

Lord Of The Flies : by William Golding

I can guess what you are thinking; They made us read that one... yeah that's right fools! I am about to admit what nobody ever in the history of schooling would admit...That I liked the books they made us read in school. In fact, I always finished the book the night it was given to the class, so that I knew what the next chapter would hold. I just love the sociology that William Golding presents. It is fascinating to me to think of little boys going wild and getting crazy and not having any boundaries. It rings true to me. I really love this story. A definite must re-read!

Where The Sidewalk Ends; by Shel Silverstein

I just love, love, love this book. I haven't read it for a number of years, but I think I will since this is truly a great book. I never liked short stories as a girl, hell I had read Steven King's IT by the time I was 10 and finished it within a week after going to school full time, but for some reason, Shel got me interested. I think I identified with his style and wanted to write like him. All of my favorite books and writers capture an essence that I would like to capture in my own writing...Sound stupid?

Watchers; by Dean Koontz

I know that it was on my list on my other blog, but this is truly brilliant writing and deserves to be on this list. Again, Koontz is awesome for me because he brings so much depth to his characters and breathes life into them, and to top it off, he writes an amazing plot too! I implore you all to keep a copy yourself.

A Wrinkle In Time ;by Madeleine L'Engle

I was never really a sci fi lover but this story was always a great read. I have read this one time and time again. In fact all of the books on this list have been read at least 3 times and some more. I'm more inclined to pick up a good book that I have read numerous times than read a new book...is that crazy?

There are alot more than five and I really think that these books also deserve recognition; Lord Of The Rings trilogy. I would like to say that the first time I read these books was LONG before the movies. My grandpa has a gorgeous library and these were his picks for me from his collection during the 2 weeks stay with him at 9 years old. I swear I told him that these would make an awesome movie someday. I will say that the recent movies did do the great books justice. Tolkien couldn't have hoped for better. Lewis Carrol's Alice In Wonderland. Also read the summer of Tolkien. Truly a classic and a great read. There are so many others, but it is getting late and I am getting lazy.

5. What are you currently reading? Right now, sitting on the toilet tank is Dean Koontz's Hideaway. I am only 35 pages in and can't tell if it is good or not. He rarely dissapoints though...

6. Who are the bloggers you are passing this on to? Well I am not one who likes to point fingers, but those picked do not have to participate. I know that my initial feelings are always anxiety when I get tagged, so do it if you want. If not, I'll only cry in private, deal?

CMHL...I'm interested to know if you even have time for books?

XniriX...extremely curious...

Sangrocito I imagine you reading books in foreign languages...

Ok kiddies, enough fun for one night! There's only so much one can handle!

Now is as good a time as any...

2005-09-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

This new blog has been in the works for some time now. I finally decided to devote the time to finishing putting my blogroll up. Any comments on the look?

I decided to follow the ranks and go Blogger. I just like it so much better as far as user friendly goes. I also just really like the way it looks. My next challenge come in when it comes time to post pictures. I am a computer dum-dum as you may or may not know. Ok, more later! BYE!

Rediretion...

2005-08-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

So for whatever reason on some blogs that I have been leaving comments on have been giving me a hard time. I have a blogger account, but still am not ready to transition from blog. If I don't use the blogger name, my comments are coming up annonymous, for which I apologize. So here is the link to my current residence at blog.com

Jenelle

So, for those of you being redirected, I am sorry! =)

Hello!

2005-08-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

Testing...testing. Just want to see how this looks....